Little Boy Blue and The Man in The Moon
by CPDRuzekFan
Summary: A Burzek story! Completely unrelated to what's happening on the show (season 5) at the moment, but I hope at some point we get Burzek back. This will deal with some serious angst, some heartbreak, and lots of other drama along the way. Updates will be slow on this one, though the first THREE chapters are already completed. ***Fair warning, profanity will be used.****
1. Chapter 1

It was a sea of books they were everywhere. They sat stacked on the coffee table, the end table, on her nightstand and on the kitchen counter. If she didn't have a physical copy of a book she had a digital copy. She was like a sponge soaking up every bit of pregnancy knowledge she could find.

She wanted to be 'prepared'. She knew that their little bundle of joy would be predictably unpredictable and in order to stand to properly care for their baby she needed to know everything there was to know about pregnancy and caring for an infant.

He was more than willing to wing it, to trust his gut and do the best he could in regards to caring for their baby. He often pointed out that all their kid would need was their love, food, and a clean diaper. Sure it wasn't going to be easy but together they could do it.

They'd raise one kick ass kid.

He chortled when he found her out cold on the couch, a book on her baby bump. He carefully lifted it off of her and grabbed the throw off the back of the couch and covered her, he leaned down to kiss her forehead.

The simple action woke her up, "Hey hubby.." she mumbled through her daze of sleep. Sleep hadn't been easy to come by the last few weeks, they were in the home stretch, the Braxton hicks contractions had really ramped up the last few days and while her due date was still two months away she hoped their baby would make an early appearance. Patience wasn't exactly their strong suit they were both eager to meet their baby.

While they weren't completed blindsided by this pregnancy it hadn't been in their plans and it knocked them on their collective asses a bit. It took a good few months to wrap their heads around it, once they had it was full steam ahead.

Kim was absolutely giddy at thought of becoming a mother and Adam was equally stoked, sure their excitement was peppered with a bit of fear but they both knew fear was normal.

They would be responsible for another human one that was created in love and would be completely dependent upon them and that was terrifying.

Adam feared the big things, he feared that the ugliness in the world would one day rob him of his child, while Kim's fears were a bit more in the here and now.

She feared choosing the wrong diapers, she worried breast feeding wouldn't come easily to her. She worried about vaccinations and the potential for autism. Her rational mind told her she was being silly, that vaccines hadn't been determined to cause Autism. Her fear that breast feeding might not come easily for her weren't that far fetched but she was bound and determined to do it. She had heard that fed was best and she knew that was true but she wanted her baby to have the best of everything and that meant breastmilk. For the most part her concerns were minor in the grand scheme of things but it was hard to keep them at bay and she decided her best weapon was knowledge, and that was how their house came to resemble a bookstore.

Adam sat on the small sliver of couch, "Hey Wifey" he leaned down for a proper kiss, his hand resting on her bump, "how's the peanut today?"

Kim pushed herself up with her elbows, Adam slid in behind her as she did so, resting against his chest she covered his hand with hers, "Doing flips and moving around as usual, I'm surprised there is enough room to move in there…"

"Not too much longer now. I can't wait." Adam ran his hand over her stomach, "have I told you yet today how beautiful you are?"

"Think so" She turned to look up at him, "wouldn't hurt to hear it again, even if it is a bold face lie"

"Bullshit!" Adam retorted, "It's the truth. You're fucking gorgeous."

"You lie like a rug Adam Ruzek." Kim giggled as he tickled her side, "I'm as big as a house, I haven't seen my feet in well over a month, I constantly need to pee and I am always hungry. Like now, I am straving."

Adam moved out from behind her and stood up, "What do you want?" he asked on his way to the kitchen, "Chinese? Pizza? I can throw something together if you want."

Kim waddled into the kitchen, "Will you cook for me?"

"Yes. I would do anything for you, don't you know that by now?" Adam grabbed ahold of her hips, "I would do anything for you, anything at all. For you and this little one" he caressed her baby bump, "Who still needs a name I might add."

Kim looped her arms around his neck and captured his lips in a kiss, when she pulled back her eyes danced, "You know we weren't supposed to even know what we are having. We agreed to be surprised."

"I can't help that I figured it out" he grabbed the bread from the pantry, "Grilled cheese sound good?"

"Perfect." Kim took her usual spot at the island, "Its your specialty isn't is?" she teased him, the man could do a lot of things cooking wasn't one of those things. He was proficient at just a few simple things and luckily for them she seemed to crave his grilled cheese sandwiches as of late.

'No I suppose you couldn't…" Kim agreed, "but you could've kept it from our friends" she smirked. She had tried to convince him to keep it a secret but it was an impossible task and she gave up trying to keep him from spilling the beans. It may have been the cutest thing she had ever witnessed, he was bursting with joy and she couldn't help but be caught up in it. She couldn't wait until their baby was old enough to hear the story of how they learned of it's gender.

" _Adam, please sit down. You're making me nervous" Kim was nervous enough as it was, watching Adam bounce around the small exam room wasn't helping matters._

" _I can't, I'm excited. I didn't get to see the last ultrasound live." Adam was seriously bummed to have missed the last appointment and he made sure he wouldn't miss this one, "Last chance, you still want it to be a surprise? I mean I will change my mind if you want to find out now. That's cool with me, I promise."_

 _Kim laughed at him, "I bet you will. We agreed Adam, we both agreed that life doesn't offer many surprises anymore and this is the best kind of surprise."_

" _Alright. You're right, you're always right. Surprise it is." Adam kissed her as the door opened._

" _Oh, I'm sorry!" The doctor laughed, "You two ready to see your baby?"_

 _Adam took his seat beside Kim and the pair watched as the doctor began the scan, they watched intently as she identified their baby's body parts._

" _Here are little one's legs, its measuring nicely. Just as a baby at this gestational age should."_

 _Adam was in awe, "That's my baby? Our baby, fuck this is amazing."_

" _Adam!" Kim swatted his thigh, "Your mouth. I'm so sorry. My husband has a filthy mouth."_

" _Its okay. My husband is just as bad." She continued with the scan._

" _Stop!" Adam held his hand up, he leaned forward and pointed to the screen, "This is a leg, yeah?"_

 _Adam moved his finger, "This is a leg too. What's this? Is this a penis? Does my baby have penis. My baby it's a boy?" His voice rose an octave as his level of excitement rose, "We are having a little boy, aren't we?"_

 _The doctor laughed, "Well, its not a third leg, so yes you're having a boy." She told them._

 _Kim ignored the tears that welled in her eyes, she truly didn't care what they were having but she knew Adam was hoping for a boy._

" _So much for being surprised"_

He had kept it to himself for almost two weeks, he ended up telling his dad and once his dad had heard the news, there was no keeping it quiet.

Though it had helped Kim immensely she was able to decorate the nursery and had already purchased a half a closet full of clothes. Their little boy had quite the wardrobe between what she had bought and what their friends and family had purchased she wouldn't need to buy clothes for at least six months after their little guy was born.

"I don't know. Nothing really sticks out to me, I think its best we wait until he is born" Kim told Adam, "What about you?"

Adam flipped the sandwich, "I really like Knox."

Kim scrunched her face up in disgust, "Absolutely not. Knox Ruzek? Gross." She shuddered, "Its too trendy for me." She grabbed her notepad, "I have been jotting down names when I think of them" she had a decent sized list, "nothing I am absolutely in love with naming a kid is hard, especially with _Ruzek_ as the last name."

"Ouch." He teased. He placed the plate in front of her, "Eat up."

He couldn't take his eyes off of her, he still had to pinch himself just to make sure he wasn't dreaming. He didn't think he would ever be this happy and he never thought he would be given a second chance with Kim.

They busted their asses to get here, it wasn't easy but nothing worth having ever comes easily.


	2. Sounds Like A Blast

Kim was surrounded by mountains of laundry and she was loving every second of it, she had spent the majority of her morning in the laundry room it was one load after the other and it was pure bliss.

She was filling her baby's closet with all of his clothes, washing it all before she put it away.

Shopping for him was her favorite thing to do and her bank account proved that, it was impossible to stop. Baby clothes had become cuter since Zoe was baby, she loved how she could dress her sweet little boy like a tiny little man. She had purchased multiple pairs of jeans that closely resembled Adam's though not nearly as tight fitting. Fitting skinny jeans over a diaper wouldn't be an easy feat but he would look absolutely adorable in them. She often wondered how Adam stuffed his _stuff_ in those skin tight jeans, he liked them and well, he did look really good in them so it was a win win.

Their baby had dozens of plaid shirts just like his daddy, cozy little joggers and adorable hoodies, she even found the cutest little beanie for him. She never cared much for brand names but when it came to dressing her son she was a sucker for them. He would be the best dressed baby around.

Adam tossed his keys on the countertop, "Kim?"

"Back here. In the nursery" Kim peeked her head out, a little surprised to see him home before lunch, "Hey baby." She accepted his kiss, "What brings you home so early?" She stacked a pile of onesies on the shelf.

"Done for the day." Adam replied, "That's pretty cool" he pointed to the bomber jacket hanging on the doorknob, "looks just like mine."

"Solved the case already?" Kim remarked, "that was fast."

"Nope. I was sent home" Adam wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her as close to him as her belly would allow.

"Why?"

"Get dressed" He told her, it wasn't unusual to find her still in sleep shorts and a tank top, "We've got to be on the road in an hour if we wanna get a jump start on the traffic."

"Huh?" Kim eyed him suspiciously, "What are you talking about?"

"A little romantic getaway, before little man joins us. One last trip. Just us." Adam told her, "I booked us a house for a few days."

"Adam, we can't..."

"Yes, Kim. We can. We well I did. We're going. I've already packed a bag for you, its loaded up and ready to go." Adam explained, "and before you say it, Nicole was in on it and she told me what you'd want packed in your bag. Get dressed."

"Sounds life you've planned it all out." Kim grinned, "I guess I am rubbing off on you..."

"Here's hoping you rub off something else..." Adam smirked.

"You're an ass sometimes." She rolled her eyes at his crude remark, "Play your cards right and I just might." She pushed him away playfully, "I just need a quick shower."

"Michael?" Kim suggested.

Adam quickly glanced at her before turning his eyes back on the road, "No. Miles?"

"Too trendy" Kim countered, "Gregory?"

"As in Greg Yates? No thank you." Adam shivered at the memory, "You know that's why this is hard. Almost every name we can think of we can tie it to some horrific crime. Too many names are tainted. I am beginning to think Adam Junior will be our best bet."

"Nope." She scrunched her face up a bit, "Talk about a tainted name," She teased.

"Funny" Adam rolled his eyes.

"I thought so" Kim ran her hand over his thigh, "It was a nice try though." Kim closed the notebook, "How about we try not to talk about the baby all the time? It seems it is all we talk about lately, discussing names, diapers, car seats or something else baby related, let's just enjoy each other. Focus on us. Just us, me and you . Once our sweet baby is here I feel like we won't have anytime for us" She brought her hand to rest on his thigh, "I want to spend this long weekend loving you." She moved her hand higher up his thigh, "every inch of you."

"Deal." Adam nodded his head "Baby I can't wait. This weekend is going to be amazing." He pulled her hand from his leg and brought it to his lips and kissed it softly "I can't talk about our baby with your hand...where it was.." he found it hard to concentrate when her hands roamed his body, even when he was fully clothed. He wondered if she knew that he would always be at her mercy.

"Quick question though, can I still talk to him once we are in bed. I look forward to those late night talks." He would rest his head on her stomach and just start talking, he often rambled on and on about nonsensical things but both he and Kim loved it. It was clear their baby did as well, he would often kick as Adam spoke, it may have been a coincidence but they both liked to think it was their little boy letting them know he was listening to his daddy.

"You better. I love listening to you talk to our baby, I can't wait for when you can hold him in your arms. I can't wait to watch you with him, I think it will be beautiful. You're going to be an amazing daddy..." she paused for a moment before correcting herself, "You are already an amazing daddy. You've been that way from the start even when we were both scared shitless. Always looking after me. Making sure I had everything I needed. It can be a bit suffocating at times but I know it's because you love me."

"With all I have darlin', with all I have." Adam pulled off the interstate, "We are almost there. About an hour or so away, why don't you close your eyes and get some sleep."

Kim folded the pillow in half and wedged it between her seat and the car window, she closed her eyes, "Don't get lost."

"The GPS won't let me." Adam smiled, "Sleep baby, you'll need it. I've got big plans." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

He had found the perfect little lake house to rent, he had only seen pictures on the website but from what little he saw he could tell it was gorgeous. The pictures he had seen of it were amazing, he loved that the master bedroom had a balcony with a hot tub that looked down on the lake. The home had a multi-story wrap around porch and plenty of natural light but what sold him on it was that it was secluded, it was completely private and not another house within miles.

It was just what they needed, they could unwind and enjoy their final moments as a childless couple, once their son was born romantic getaways would be a thing of the past.

As promised just under an hour later they had arrived, Kim was in awe of the beauty around her. The tall and lush trees that lined the long driveway had just been the tip of the iceberg, the property was beautifully maintained and it was evident that the owners loved their home. The landscaping was meticulous and they spotted numerous gardens throughout both the front and back yards. There was even a small greenhouse and a vegetable garden at the back of the house.

"Adam, this place is gorgeous" she led him by the hand as they explored, "Look! There's even a boat."

Adam chuckled, "I think dinghy would be better way to describe that thing" he dropped Kim's hand and moved to check it out, "It's not too bad though, I bet it'd be fun to take out."

"Just think you could paddle me around in it and I could kick back and relax with a good book. Maybe even get a nice little suntan."

"Of course, I have to do all the work. Perhaps you could sunbath naked. Can't have you sporting pesky tan lines." He smirked, he dropped the oar back in the boat, "let's go check out the inside. They said they would fill the pantry and fridge for us, so we wouldn't have to drive into town."

"That was nice of them." Kim took Adam's offered hand and as they climbed back up the small set of steps and headed for the house, "This was really sweet of you, Adam. Thank you for doing this. It'll be nice to relax."

"I am a little bummed about the hot tub though" Adam shrugged, "I had no idea pregnant women shouldn't go in them. That sucks."

Kim leaned into his side, "I bet we could come up with a suitable alternative, there is that garden tub in the master bath and then the lake. You had Nicole pack a swim suit for me, right?"

"Damn" Adam snapped his fingers, "I knew I forgot something. Guess we will just have to skinny dip."

"Forgot? Bullshit. The lake is private, isn't it?"

"It is. No one around for miles, babe."

Kim pushed him away, "Well let's get naked then."

Adam rubbed her upper arms, "That was exhilarating." They had spent a few hours down at the water's edge, alternating between swimming and laying together basking in the sun's rays.

"I had no idea how much I needed this. Thank you." She turned in his arms, she buried her face in the crook of his neck and held him tightly, "I love you. I love that you did this for me, I know I've been kind of crazy..."

She could hear the rumble of his laughter rise in his chest as her head lay against him, "Crazy? You? No way" Adam teased her, his hand running through her hair.

"Funny. Adam." Kim pulled back to look up at him, "I just want our baby to have the best start possible, I know I can get a bit neurotic about it. He's this perfect little person, he's ours and it's just a little overwhelming sometimes. I love him with my entire being and I haven't even met him yet."

Adam wiped a tear that had trickled down her cheek, "I get it. I feel the same way. It's amazing, every time I look at you, I am in awe. Your strength, your beauty, everything. You amaze me every single day. Our baby is the luckiest boy, he gets to call you mommy."

Kim released a soft sob, "I'm the lucky one, Adam. I get to be his mommy."

"Sorry." Adam caressed her cheek, "I'm the luckiest son of bitch. Not only are you my wife, but you're carrying my baby. You're giving me a son."

Kim fanned her face hoping to stop the tears. "We said we weren't going to talk about the baby like this."

"Alright.." Adam could feel himself getting choked up, "That's it no more baby talk. In fact no more talking at all" he smirked as he lifted her off her feet, "We've got a lake house to christen."

It had been a weekend of pure bliss. They had disconnected from the outside world, no phones, no internet, and no television. They spent their mornings on the back porch watching the birds and squirrels fight over the feeders positioned throughout the yard. Their days spent swimming in the lake, Kim had spent a good bit of time reading, and they both took numerous naps. Their evenings were spent under the stars, that was the only time they spoke of the baby, it was when they discussed their hopes and dreams for their little boy.

Kim was saddened to see it end, she had thoroughly enjoyed their time at the lake and away from the outside world. It was nice to be alone with Adam without no outside interference, it was just them and it had been amazing.

"Adam" Kim was groggy from sleep, she had slept almost the entire car ride home and was a bit surprised to find they weren't home but rather Kevin's place. "Why are we at Kev's?"

"He texted me. Said he needed to talk to me ASAP." Adam was a little worried, "said it needed to be face to face" he wasn't sure what to think, "I didn't want to go home and then back out. If you'd rather go home I will take you."

"Don't be silly." Kim waved him off, "I just hope everything is okay."

It hadn't been easy but they had pulled it off, it had required help from numerous people and had caused her a fair bit of stress but in the end it had all come together.

The house was filled to the brim with friends and family, presents stacked high on the table and had begun to fill up the floor as well. Baby boy Ruzek was well loved, and very spoiled.

Trudy handed a glass of a wine to Nicole, "We did it, friend. We did it." She slinked their glasses together, "Kevin just heard back from Adam, they'll be here any minute now."

Nicole exhaled with relief, "I wasn't sure we would be able to pull it off, I was so afraid they'd stay another day, or they'd blow Kevin off."

"I would've gone up there and brought them home myself." Trudy announced, "All this planning wasn't going to be for nothing."

She looked around Kevin's home, they had transformed his bachelor pad into party central, blue and grey balloons were all over the place, streamers were mixed in along with the typical baby shower decorations.

Kim felt his hand come to rest on her lower back as she climbed up the steps that led to Kevin's front door, "I'm okay."

"I know that, I just want help you." Adam replied.

Kim turned to face him, "Help? Is that what they're calling it these days? I'm pretty sure you just trying to cop a feel of my ass..."

Adam smirked, "Maybe.."

"How 'bout definitely." Kim slipped her arms around his waist, her hands coming to rest on his ass, "I know the feeling.."

"They're here!" Nicole announced. She had busted her ass for weeks planning the party and it was hard to believe that it was finally happening. She was a little nervous to how Kim would react, her sister wasn't big on surprises but Trudy Platt had insisted on a surprise baby shower. Nicole wasn't about to argue with her, she had heard enough stories from Kim in regards to that woman, so Nicole went with it and was hoping for the best.

"Quiet down!" Kevin motioned with his hand to quiet the room, "Get ready."

"Fuck.." Adam mumbled as Kim kissed his neck, "Babe..you gotta stop.."

"I don't wanna" Kim whispered against his skin, "You smell so good." They had spent much of their weekend having sex, she was pretty sure they had more sex over the last few days than they had in months. It felt like the beginning of their relationship all over again, it was impossible to keep their hands to themselves.

It was pure bliss.

"I really don't want you to stop either, but you need to. I'm a bit uncomfortable" he gestured to his crotch, "Seriously uncomfortable."

"Oh..babe. I'm sorry" Kim ran her hand over his groin, "It's just so hard..." she teased about his current physical state, "..to keep my hands to myself..." she immediately moved her hand when she heard the sound of the door opening and Kevin's booming voice.

"Ah fuck you two..." Kevin grimaced, "That's just nasty." He shook his head feigning disgust, "I'm glad you could stop by. Come on in" he did his best to avoid looking Kim in the eye. He was enjoying busting Adam's balls but he couldn't look at Kim, that was just too much. "I've got to talk to you both about something, I wanted to run it by you guys first.." he lied smoothly.

"You okay?" Adam asked.

Before Kevin could answer they hit the back of the house where the crowd had huddled together, "Surprise!" Kevin wrapped an arm around Adam, "I was messing with you. Surprise, man. This is your baby shower."

Kim immediately embraced her sister, "You! You did this didn't you?" Kim kissed her cheek.

"It was a joint effort." Nicole explained, "It was all Trudy's idea, are you surprised? You're okay with this, right? I know surprise parties were never your thing."

Kim waved her hand around, "This is awesome. I love it." She was overwhelmed by all of it but she was happy to celebrate with their friends and family. "it's great."

"Wow, man. Thanks for this. This is great" Adam marveled, "Nicole rope you into this?"

"Nah. Platt did. It's pretty cool though. I didn't do anything really. I'm just the host with the most." Kevin handed his buddy a beer, "They've taken over my house for the last two days. I'm happy to do it though." They went out back to sit on the deck, escaping the craziness of the party, "How was the trip?"

Adam took a long pull of his beer, "It was perfect man, we had a great time."

"Its hard to believe the baby will be here soon, you're gonna be a dad." Kevin kicked his feet up on the railing, "We still get to have boys night, right?"

"Of course." Adam rolled the bottle between his palms, "Maybe not every week but we will get together."

"Oh my goodness!" Kim gushed as she held the tiny Cubs jersey up, "This is precious, thank you so much." She hugged Haley, "He will look so cute in it."

"I thought so too. I know it's still kinda big, but it's the real thing. I bought it at the stadium."

"Are you serious? That's too much, Haley. You shouldn't have spent all that money." Kim hated the thought of people spending so much on her son.

"Stop it! I wanted to buy it. Kim, you and Adam are family. That baby is my honorary nephew. It's my job as his aunt to spoil him. Plus we can't have him falling under Kevin's influence and end up a White Sox fan." She shuddered at the mere thought of it.

"Hey now!" Kevin piped up, "That little homie will be a Sox fan, you can count on that."

"How about we let the baby decide" Kim suggested, "Thank you all so much, I'm a bit overwhelmed to be honest." She reached out for Adam's hand, "Adam and I appreciate it, more than you know."

"I appreciate it" Adam chimed in, "My bank account appreciates it." He laughed as he pointed to the massive pile of gifts, it had taken Kim well over an hour to open everything, "I won't have to buy my boy clothes for at least a year."

Kim was lounging on the couch, when Adam finally brought in the last of the gifts, "Come sit with me." She lifted her legs up for Adam to sit and then dropped them down into his lap, "I missed you today. I didn't get to see you during the party."

Adam shrugged, "There was too much estrogen for my liking, Platt was weird as hell."

"She's excited for the baby" Kim thought it was adorable to see Trudy gush over all of the gifts, "she has offered to babysit"

"She's hired." Adam grinned, "So, what else do we need to buy before the baby is born? I mean what more could he possibly need? He's got everything."

"Everything but a crib, a changing table, a dresser" she laughed, "We need to do that next weekend. We will spend all day shopping if that's what it takes."

"Sounds like a blast" Adam groaned.

Kim sat up, "It will be." She moved to straddle him, "How about we pretend we are still on vacation?"

"Yeah?" Adam asked as kissed her way across his neck, "now that sounds like a blast."


	3. Absolutely Perfect

_**"...and she loved**_

 _ **a little boy**_

 _ **very very much,**_

 _ **even more than she loved herself"**_

 _ **-Shel Silverstein**_

"Go!" Kim laughed, "Nicole is already on her way, I'm sure Kevin is waiting for you." She kissed his cheek, "Just be safe, okay?"

"Always. You do the same. Don't spend all our money." Adam leaned in for a kiss, "I love you. Call me when you get home." He wouldn't lie, he was happy to get out of shopping, even if it was for the baby. He grew tired of it after the first few shopping trips, he could only handle looking at breast pumps, baby baths, strolllers, and cribs for so long before he lost his mind.

He didn't help himself when he played with one of the breast pumps on display, he had tried to attach to his chest and Kim looked as if she wanted to die when he rounded the aisle and showed her what he had done. Her face turned bright red and she glared at him, the only other husband in the store had found it humorous, pointing that out to Kim didn't help. She ripped into him as soon as they got into the car, she didn't appreciate being embarrassed and she was tired of his immaturity.

Within a few days she apologized to him, and he did the same. He was trying to lighten the mood a bit, he hated how tense she had been that day. She was already stressing out over breast feeding their baby, she had researched the shit out of the topic and was terrified that she wouldn't be able to nurse their baby. The last thing she wanted to give him was formula, she wanted to be in control of what went into his little tummy and she didn't trust formula to provide the nutrients he would need, breast milk was best and their baby deserved the very best.

Breast milk was the way to go, she had decided that very early in her pregnancy, that had been the easiest decision. She had gone back and forth on disposable diapers versus cloth diapers, to swaddle or not to swaddle. To co-sleep, to use a bassinet in their bedroom or have him go straight to sleeping in his crib in his room.

Nicole had bottle fed, used disposable diapers and sent the baby to day care, Kim knew there was nothing wrong with Nicole's choices and that she was a great mom, Zoe was wonderful. Those choices worked for Nicole, Kim wasn't sure they'd work for her and Adam.

Day care wasn't an option for them, they had seen some very ugly people in their line of work and the idea of strangers taking care of their children didn't sit well with them. They knew day cares screened their employees carefully, and they had toured from quality centers they felt more at ease with Kim taking a longer maternity leave and then finding a 'nanny' to watch their little boy when she finally went back to work. Kim had accumulated about six months of leave on top of the traditional maternity leave so they had some time before they really worried about child care. They already had a few solid leads, and conducted a very informal interview with two women.

Co-Sleeping had been ruled out pretty quickly, Adam was all over the place when he slept making it unsafe for their baby. Neither of them were keen on having their child in bed with them at any age and they had heard that once they started that it was hard to kick the kid out. They did decide to keep a bassinet in their room for the first year, having him in the room would make night time feeds easier, they both liked the idea of having him close by.

Diapers were still being discussed and Kim wasn't certain when they'd make that decision, though she knew it would need to be made soon her due date just a month away. She had looked into a handful of companies that delivered and picked up cloth diapers, and they were expensive but not out of their budget. Adam wasn't sold on them, he wasn't thrilled at the notion of changing diapers but he was overwhelmed by the cloth ones, he preferred the simplicity of the disposable diapers.

Adam looked back once more, laughing as he stopped and turned back towards her, "You're so damn cute. I love you being pregnant, carrying our baby" he pushed a wisp of hair from her eyes, "I can't wait to hold our boy, he's going to be perfect. Just like his mommy."

Kim looped her arms around his neck, "I can't wait either. He's going to be so handsome." She captured his lips with hers, "God..I love you..."

"Get a room you two!" Nicole teased, "Go to work Adam."

Adam glanced at her, "That was fast! Did you speed?" He glared at her, "I can't get rid of a speeding ticket for you. You know that right?" He smirked at her.

"Go to work" Kim pushed him towards the door, "I'm picking furniture out today, no more putting it off." They hadn't been able to find a set that they were in love with and it was getting a bit frustrating, "I will text you a picture of it."

"Can I veto white furniture?" Adam asked, "White is too girly"

"I'm not getting black, so you can save your breath." Kim added, "I will take your veto into consideration but I make no promises."

"You name the kid yet?" Kevin asked as they assisted with the grid search, "I still think Kevin Ruzek sounds good. It's a strong name."

"Yeah, not happening." Adam laughed, "I think we've decided to wait until he's born. Kim thinks it'll be easier to name him once we've met him. I dunno. I suggested Adam Junior but she shot that down."

"I think that's a wise move. One Adam Ruzek is enough, thank you very much." He kicked at some yard debris, "and this could be our weapon..." he crouched down and moved even more grass clippings aside, "bag it up."

Kim ran her hand over the railing of the crib, it was a weathered gray and reminded her of something you'd find in a vacation home on the coast, it was absolutely beautiful "I like it." She noted the intricate detail on the dresser and changing table, "A lot, actually I love it and I think Adam will as well, this is the set. It's a bit masculine too, dontcha think?"She grabbed a ticket out of the pouch and marked off the items she wanted, selecting the crib, changing table, dresser, and glider with a matching ottoman. "Oohh.."

"I do. I really like the set up of the changing table, this shelf will be perfect. I wish they had this style when I was pregnant with Zoe" Nicole looked up from a brochure that featured the other pieces available to purchase "What? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think so, it was nothing. Just a swift kick. Little one just reminding me he's in there." She laughed, "as if I needed a reminder."

They sought out a salesperson and Kim was pleased to have finally found the perfect crib for her little boy, they set up a delivery date and moved on to find the perfect bedding set.

Adam checked the phone and was happy to see a photo from Kim, he had to agree she had found the perfect set and told her as much in his reply. He made sure to tell her not to wait up, that he was going to be a while, much to his chagrin.

"So" Nicole chased a mouthful of salad with her drink, "As Aunt I feel like I'm privy to classified information..."

Kim cocked her head to the side and eyed her suspiciously, "Such as?"

"A name. You've got to have one picked out. I know you. You're a planner, you plan everything there's no way you haven't named him" Nicole explained. She had wanted to purchase a blanket and have the baby's name monogrammed on it, but she couldn't do it without a name.

Kim rolled her eyes, "His name isn't classified, it's just we haven't picked one yet. Adam wanted Knox but that name is a definite no go. So is naming him after Adam.I like Henry. It's traditional, it's a classic. Adam said no, because of Voight. He likes Asher..."

"Eww.." Nicole scrunched her face up, "Asher Ruzek sounds awful."

"Right? We can't agree on a name so we're waiting to meet him and then hopefully a name will come to us." Kim explained, "I promise you'll be among the first to know." She felt it again, although there was a bit more oomph this time, she then afelt a pop and within seconds she felt as if she had urinated all over herself.

"What it is? You've gone pale." Nicole stood up from the table and moved to stand at her side, "Are you okay?"

Kim bit her bottom lip, "No. Don't think so. You remember that kick earlier?" She waited for Nicole to respond with a nod of her head, "Well, I think that might have been a contraction and it's happened a bunch of times since then, and I'm pretty sure my water just broke."

"Shit!" Nicole suddenly felt lightheaded, "Are you sure?"

Kim gripped the edge of the table, "I'm sure, Nicole. We need to go."

Platt took the stairs two at a time, her heart in her throat.

Of course his desk was empty he was never where he was supposed to be, she scanned the room "Where's Ruzek?"

Antonio waved in the vicinity of the locker rooms, "Getting changed. He's filthy."

Adam shoved the dirty shirt in the bottom of his gym bag, he was over summer and the unbelievably heavy humidity that had taken hold of the city, he was surprised to see Platt walk in. "Hey Sarge, trying to sneak a peek?" He placed his hands on his hips, "Get you a good look."

"Shut up Adam." She held her hand up to silence him, "Get dressed. Your wife just called-"

"Fuck!" Adam grabbed his cellphone from bench, he had multiple missed calls from her number, "I was in the shower...what's wrong? Is she okay?" He talked over Trudy as she continued to speak.

"If you would quit interrupting me, you'd know. She's on her way to the hospital, her water broke."

"Wh-What did you just say?"

"Did I stutter Officer Ruzek? I said your wife's water broke and she's on her way to the hospital. You need to get moving." She flailed her hands about.

"Uh..um, Yeah. Okay." He mumbled as he grabbed a fresh shirt and pulled it over his head, he re-holstered his weapon and grabbed his phone and car keys, "Can you tell Voight? I gotta go."

"You will tell Voight." Trudy retorted, "While I drive. Now get your ass in gear, we've got a baby coming!" She had been invested in the baby since she first learned of its existence. Sure, she loved playing the hard ass cop role, but inside she was soft as silk. She adored children, babies especially not enough to have her own, but she sure loved other people's babies. This baby was special to her, this was Kim and Adam's baby, and she would never admit it publicly but she had always hoped they would find happiness together. She loved Kim, she saw so much of her younger self in Kim, she loved Adam but she didn't dare cop to either of those things.

"I can drive." Adam went to grab his keys from her.

"I've seen the damage you inflict upon cars. I'm thankful that your wife's driving skills have improved, you not so much." Trudy pointed to the door, "Go."

Adam followed her orders, "Fine. I will call Voight and Kim while you drive."

The ride to the hospital was short, if it took twenty minutes that was long. Platt had the foresight to take one of the department's cars and took full advantage of the blue light.

To Adam it felt like a lifetime, suddenly he was scared shitless. His gut churned and his palms had grown sweaty, his heart raced in his chest and the sound of its beat echoed in his ears.

Suddenly it all felt real, soon they'd have this precious little boy to care for. He would depend on them for everything, to keep him safe, to feed him, to clothe him, he was the definition of helpless.

It was terrifying.

Kim gripped the bed rail, she focused on her breathing, she closed her eyes and pictured herself holding her little boy. His perfect head tucked under her chin as she rocked him back to sleep, envisioning her little boy and helped to ease the pain. After a few minutes the pain abated, very early on in her pregnancy she had made the choice to deliver without pain medicine. Once she told her doctor of her decision the doctor put her in contact with a midwife who specialized in natural childbirth, Amy had been a godsend. She and Amy had discussed alternative methods to alleviate the pain and Kim had found it to be of tremendous help. It didn't lessen the pain, but it did make the pain worth it, holding her baby for the first time would make the pain worth it.

As the contraction abated she spoke, "Where's Adam?"

Nicole swept the hair from Kim's face, "I am sure he is on his way, I couldn't get a hold of him but I called the desk sergeant, Trudy. She promised me she would find him and get him here."

The door flew open, "Kim!" Adam was at her side in an instant a bit winded and his heart raced, "Are you okay? It's a little early..is he okay?" He took hold of her hand, "Has the doctor been in?"

"I'm going to grab a drink, do you want anything Adam?" Nicole asked, her hand on his back.

"I'm good thanks." Adam never took his eyes off Kim.

"The doctor came in and did an exam, everything looks good." Kim told him.

"Good. Good." Adam smiled, "It's finally happening, huh?"

"Yes! Are you excited?" Kim ran her thumb over his cheekbone, "Whew..." Kim steadied her breathing as another contraction hit.

"You're hurting?" Adam questioned her, Kim reached out for his hand and he grabbed hold of it and squeezed, "Just breathe darlin', just breathe." He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, "I wish I could trade places with you, that you didn't have to be in pain"

Kim laughed lightly. "I wish you could too" she released his hand as the contraction eased, "it will all be worth it in the end."

"What can I do to help?" Adam asked.

"Just hold my hand." Kim adjusted the back of the bed desperate to find a comfortable position, "and talk to me. Hearing your voice helps."

"Done." Adam smiled. "Why don't you try and get some sleep. You look exhausted."

Kim pulled her hair up, "I will take a nap." She paused, "if you take one as well, something tells me it's going to be a late night. So, climb up in this bed with me and close your eyes."

Adam sighed, "Kim..."

"Adam.." She leaned forward, "If you want me to sleep, you will climb in this bed with me."

"When you put it that way" Adam kicked off his shoes and did as she asked, the bed was surprisingly comfortable, "Damn..this is a comfy bed."

Kim leaned back against him and closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep in his arms.

Sleep had evaded him, once Kim was out cold he managed to wiggle out from behind her, choosing instead to watch from the couch as Kim slept peacefully. She was his everything and seeing her handle labor with such dignity and grace made his heart swell with pride. She was clearly in some serious discomfort and as the hours passed it only grew worse.

She had been at it for close to twelve hours and they seemed to have hit a bit of a wall, the last hour or so. Everything seemed to have stalled out, she was progressing at a nice clip and then nothing.

Sadly Amy had left hours ago, needing to relive her babysitter, but she promised to check in with Kim in the morning.

The doctors were monitoring both Kim and the baby closely, they both were doing okay and their stats were in good shape.

All they could do now was hurry up..and wait.

"Adam..." Kim's voice was gravelly and almost inaudible, "Adam..honey.." the room was darkened, she could just make out his sleeping form on the couch, "Adam..."

He jumped up, "I'm up..I am up." He flicked the light on, "You Okay?" He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, "What's going on.?"

"I'm thirsty." Kim replied, "Can you get me ice chips please?"

"Yeah, of course." Adam responded.

"Okay." The doctor tossed the gloves in the bin, "Here's where we stand, you're almost fully dilated and your contractions have picked up in duration and frequency. You've been in labor over twenty hours, I think we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel."

Kim braced herself as she was hit with another contraction, "Breathe baby, breathe through it." Adam reminded her, "You got this."

"Last chance for an epidural, this is it. Now or never."

"Never" Kim replied instantly.

"Alrighty then." He patted her arm, "I will be back shortly to check on you."

The doctor watched the fetal monitor as the contraction ended, "We will start pushing with the next contraction, it's time to meet that baby."

Adam supported Kim's back as she pushed, her face bright red from exertion, "That's is Kim, that's my girl" he kissed the back of her head.

"Good job Kim, now relax for a minute and take a deep breath and we will get ready to push again" the doctor instructed, he kept a watchful eye on the fetal monitor.

"I can't..." Kim whimpered, "I can't do this.." she'd been pushing for close to an hour and they had made little if any progress . "he's not coming out...why isn't he coming out?" She looked up at Adam.

"He will babe. You'll see. One more push and he will be out." Adam assured her, "He's just stubborn..." he smirked, "beside if I was inside you I wouldn't wanna get out either..."

Kim glared at him, "You're a fucking idiot" she rolled her eyes, "a fucking idiot. My idiot though" she loved him and his insane sense of humor, and his childish and often crude comments.

He always knew exactly what to say to make her smile.

Adam caught the twinkle in her eye, "Ah, it worked. You're smiling. You can do this, I know you can. You can do anything. You're my hero, Kim."

The doctor watched as the baby's heart rate started to fluctuate a bit more than he would've liked, the first sign that he could be in distress.

"Push!" The doctor ordered, "Bear down and push! C'mon little guy it's move out day."

Adam watched as the nurses gathered together and began to whisper, he watched as the doctor furrowed his brow and took another look at the monitor.

"What's wrong?" Adam asked, "Is the baby okay?"

Kim's face lost all of its color, "Is he okay?" She fell back against the bed, she was both physically and mentally exhausted.

The doctor held his hand up, "Yes for now he is okay. His heart rate isn't where I'd like to see it. At this point it's not a major concern, we need to monitor it closely, I don't know how much longer he can last like this. We will need to discuss what happens if we can't get him delivered soon, including the possibility of a caesarean."

"No! That's not what we discussed, not what we planned." Kim bit back at him, "I can do this. Let me do this."

"Kim, honey.." Adam sat on the bed beside her, "We might not get a choice.."

"No. Absolutely not. I don't want a caesarean."

The doctor nodded, "We can stay on the current path, see if we can get him moving. I will call it if I need to Kim, I know what your wishes are but I make the final call here. I will do what I feel is best for both you and the baby."

Adam felt his knees wobble just a bit, "They're okay though, right? Kim's okay?"

"Yes. They are. Right now, they're fine. We need to be proactive though, and I'm preparing you both for possibility of an emergency cesarean section. Right now I am willing to allow Kim to deliver naturally."

Another thirty minutes had passed and they hadn't made any more progress and standing pat was no longer an option, "Okay. Here's my plan, I know a c-section is something you do not want, I'm prepared to give it one last shot but I'm going to need to use the forceps. It's a bit uncomfortable, but I think it's our best option, if I can't deliver him then we will go to the OR."

The nurses prepared the forceps for the doctor, Adam watched intently, his heart in his throat as they handed over the barbaric looking instrument.

"Holy fuck.." Adam hissed, "Jesus.." He shuddered at the idea of them being used to deliever his baby boy, and that they'd be inside his wife.

They were horrific.

"I know they look rough, but they work." The doctor explained, "On the next contraction I need to you bear down and push, as you're pushing I will use the forceps to guide the baby out. Okay?"

Kim sobbed, "Okay..." devastated that it had come to this, "please just get him out, please!"

Adam kissed her temple, "Shh..please don't cry."

"It hurts!" Kim cried out. She screamed out in agony as the doctor finally delivered the baby.

The newborn was quickly handed off to the nurses to be assessed.

"Is he okay?" Kim managed to speak through her tears, she watched as Adam followed the nurse who was holding their son, "Tell me he is okay? Please!" She begged, desperate to hear his cry for the very first time.

"Yes, He looked good" The doctor finished up as the nurses tended to the newborn, "He's probably a bit angry with me. He just needs a minute or two."

Adam watched as the nurses worked on his son, they used a bulb suction to clear his mouth and nose, once they were done he heard his son for the very first time. His little squawk brought on the tears for Adam.

"That's my son?" Kim asked through tears, her son's cries ramped up in intensity, "he's crying? He's okay?"

Adam held him carefully in his arms, "He's more than okay, he is perfect." He gently placed the swaddled infant in Kim's arms, "You did good, Kim. You did it."

Kim sobbed as she held her son for the very first time, the pain of labor already a distant memory.

The pediatrician smiled at the new parents, "Congratulations" she unwrapped the baby. "I hear he was a bit reluctant to leave the womb" she examined his torso, checking his hips as she talked, "He looks good, he's a nice weight. Everything looks as it should. You're going to breastfeed him?"

"Yes" Kim replied, "He's already nursed a bit."

"Good." She smiled, "That's good. He's getting the colostrum right now, which is all he needs at the moment, it's where all the good stuff is" she handed the baby back to Kim, "He doesn't need much to fill his stomach, continue to offer the breast and let nature take its course. In the meantime enjoy your son. Sleep when he sleeps."

"Thank you." Adam stood up and shook her hand.

Kim had the baby laid out on the bed in front of her, "Adam grab his little onesie from the bag" she pointed to her bag in the corner of the room, "the one Trudy dropped off earlier."

Trudy had carried it with her everyday since she had purchased, she was adamant that it was to be the first thing he wore upon birth.

"The CPD one?" Adam questioned, "that one is my favorite" he loved it. It had the CPD star on it and read 'Officer In Training'.

The baby fussed as he was stripped of his diaper, "He's an angry little dude." Adam laughed, "Looks like you in the morning. What's that on his face?" He ran his finger over his son's head and down his cheek ending just under his eye, "these lines? What are they?"

"I imagine this is all a bit strange to him." She had him dressed and swaddled in no time, she examined the area Adam was talking about, the red lines around his face changed as he cried, becoming a deep red the angrier he became and then fading a bit as he settled "Just blemishes, that's all, I'm sure they'll disappear soon. He was in some tight quarters, I can remember when Zoe was born, she had blotches and red marks all over her face." She could remember joking about Zoe, saying she resembled a wrinkly old man. The look Nicole had shot her that day still sent chills down her spine. Clearly she didn't see what Kim saw, Zoe was beautiful but in those first few hours Zoe wasn't all that pretty. "You know most newborns are ugly immediately after birth, but not this guy. He is absolutely perfect isn't he?"

"Indeed he is. Surely you didn't expect anything less, right? I mean I'm his dad and you're his mom, how could he not be perfect." Adam reasoned, he ran his finger down the slope of his son's nose, "This has to be the cutest nose I have ever seen in my life." He bent down and kissed it softly.

"Look at his ears they're so tiny" she kissed the rim of his ear, "Don't even get me started on his mouth" she was smitten with her son, "I love him. Adam, I love him so much."

"Me too." Adam snuggled up beside her, "I knew I would love him, I mean I loved him from the start, but the second I held him...it hit me." Tears filled his eyes, "I can't describe the feeling..."

"I know. I felt it too," Kim adjusted the cap on the baby's head, "Sebastian."

"Sebastian?" Adam asked, "Huh?"

"His name." Kim looked away from her son, "I think we should name him Sebastian."

"Sebastian Ruzek" Adam said it aloud, "It's perfect."

"Sebastian James Ruzek." Kim kissed the top of his head.


	4. Ugly Cried

_**For all the things my hands have held  
The best by far is you**_

 _ **Cecilia and The Satellite**_

Life had taken on new meaning, a purposeful and beautiful new meaning. They were two months into parenthood and it was all they expected and then some. Neither had truly prepared themselves for the all consuming, unconditional, and overwhelming love they had for their son.

Sebastian was their universe, everything they did was done with him in mind, he had both their hearts in the palm of his tiny little hand.

They could no longer remember their life before Sebastian, Adam had joked that it was the sleep deprivation that had erased their memory of their life before 'Sebby'. Kim knew it was because their life before their son paled in comparison to their life now.

Things had been rough at the start, the redness and blemishes that had been on Sebastian's face just after birth weren't as harmless as Kim originally thought.

" _Where's Sebastian?" Kim asked Adam when he appeared before without their day old son, Adam had gone home for a good night's sleep. He promised to pick Sebastian up from the nursery on his way to Kim's room, saving his wife a trip or a call to the nurse._

" _They were busy. Shift change. The nurse said she'd bring him to us once their debriefing was through." Adam explained, he was pretty bummed when he was denied entry into the room. He was surprised by how much he had missed his son, he was desperate to get his hands on him, "but silver lining..." he smirked, his eyes playful._

" _Oh yeah? What's the silver lining?" Kim had a fair idea of what it was, she saw the gleam in his eyes and his wandering hands were a dead giveaway._

" _I can do this" he leaned it for a kiss, it started off slow and sweet, he pulled back "I love you."_

 _Kim wrapped her hands around his neck pulling him closer to her, she deepened the kiss feeling butterflies dance in her stomach, "I love you too" she breathlessly replied._

" _How'd he do last night?" Adam sat on the bed, his hand resting on her hip._

" _He was good. He nursed like a champ. He hung out with me for a while, he slept about an hour right here.." she gestured to her chest, "it was amazing Adam, just holding him and watching him. His was making the cutest little expressions as he slept. It was beautiful"_

" _Ah, I'm sorry I missed it."_

" _I know you are" She reached up to palm his cheek, "but you needed the rest. You were exhausted."_

" _So were you." Adam pointed out._

" _I was. It's why I had him taken to the nursery so I could get some sleep. I hated it though, being away from him." She had cried when the nurse had left with him, "I cried. Ugly cried, Adam."_

" _Ugh, Babe. I hate that." Adam grabbed her hand and kissed it, "I'm glad you did though, you needed sleep. More than I did. I can run on fumes, it's my specialty. It's not yours. You tend to get a little grumpy, it's not pretty."_

" _Shut up, Adam" Kim playfully shoved him._

" _Good morning" the nurse pushed the door open, not quite crossing the threshold._

" _Where's our son?" Adam jumped up, "you said you'd bring him." He was anxious to see him, he hated in when he was turned away at the nursery, it sucked._

 _The nurse stepped all the way into the room, "He is here" she stepped aside as the doctor joined her in the room._

" _Hi folks." The doctor greeted them, "I felt it was best that I spoke with you."_

" _Why?" Adam cocked his head in suspicion, "Is something wrong?"_

 _Kim felt a bubble of panic lodge in her throat, "I want my son. Please give him to me."_

 _The doctor held his hands up, "I will." He carefully lifted Sebastian from the bassinet, "I wanted to talk to you both, as you know delivery isn't easy. It's wrought with potential complications._

 _Your labor hit a wall, stalled out if you will. It required intervention..."_

" _Doc?" Adam was puzzled, "What the hell is going on? My wife wants our son. Please give him to her."_

" _I am. I will." He replied, "The use of forceps during delivery can lead to injuries for both mom and baby. I know you're dealing with some discomfort from them, it seems Sebastian has suffered some superficial injuries." He finally handed Sebastian over to Kim._

 _The gasp was loud, "His face!" Kim was shattered to see bruising on her son's tiny face, it was a deep purple, it stretched from his right temple, along his hairline and down to his right eye, resulting in half his face being covered by the bruise._

" _What the fuck?" Adam was livid, "What the fuck did you do?"_

" _Adam.." the doctor hated these conversations, "I know you're upset, I get it. We warned you that this could happen, we've already sent him to radiology for scans, He's absolutely fine. No fractures at all. Just bruising."_

" _Easy for you to say. It's not your baby now is it?" Adam scoffed. He was taken aback by the sudden rage he felt, "it's my little boy! My boy. He's barely two days old and he looks as if he's been beaten" the crack in his voice was audible._

" _We..." the doctor stammered, "I apologize, Adam. I hate this. For you and your wife and most of all I hate this for your son. It is what it is though, and may I remind you that I told you that this could happen. That the use of forceps wasn't without risks, and you both acknowledged that and decided the benefits outweighed the risks."_

 _Kim reached out for Adam's hand, "Adam, honey, Please calm down." She begged him, she knew that he was absolutely heartbroken, she knew because she felt it too, "It's okay. It'll be okay."_

 _Adam looked at her, "Okay?" He was flabbergasted, how the hell was she so calm? "How is this okay?"_

" _It wasn't the doctor's fault." Kim looked down at her son, "Its just one of those things. It sucks, and I hate it. You need to calm down. It's okay."_

 _Adam took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, his shoulders sagged and his head bowed in defeat, "I'm sorry Doc. It's just..." he paused to look at his son, "it's my son. My baby boy, I'm new at this, being a dad. Seeing him hurt, I don't like it."_

" _I understand." The doctor placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, "I've got kids, grandkids. I think I may have had the very same reaction had I been in your shoes." He shook Adam's offered hand, "You've got this dad thing down already, Sebastian is a lucky boy. Enjoy him, they grow way too fast."_

 _Both Adam and Kim thanked the doctor and promptly turned their attention on their baby boy._

Two weeks later the bruises had faded and were a distant memory.

She was now fully engrossed in a world of spit up, sleepless nights and random crying fits.

Her's, not Sebastian's.

She was a bit taken aback by it at first, but now she had just come to expect it. Nicole was quick to remind her that she had gone trough something similar after Zoe was born. Her triggers had been those god awful dog commercials, the ones with a sad song playing as photos of abused dogs flashed across the screen. Nicole also reminded her of the fact that she had teased her about for the longest time.

Needless to say Nicole had a laugh or two at Kim's expense. There was no trigger for Kim, there seemed to be no rhyme or reason as to why she would end up in tears.

Kim brought it up with her midwife and was assured that it was nothing to be concerned about, her hormones were all over the place and ugly crying was to be expected.

So she trudged on, she was exhausted most days. Sebastian wasn't the issue, he was sleeping as he should, it was Kim who wasn't. She had been hit with a wicked case of insomnia, sleeping at night was almost impossible. Adam had offered to handle the 'night shift' but there was no way Kim would do that, he needed his sleep. Plus, it didn't matter it wasn't like she'd actually fall asleep, she had come to terms with her new normal.

He'd been back at work for a few days now and unfortunately for Kim, he had hit the ground running and was balls deep in a case at the moment. If he did happen to make it home at night, he'd pass out within a hour of being home. He would pass out Sebastian cuddled against his chest, it was absolutely adorable.

She envied Adam a bit, he was able to escape it all for a bit. Kim was feeling some serious cabin fever, she longed for adult conversation.

Needless to say she was thrilled that Nicole and Zoe were headed over, a visit from her sister and niece would allow her to take a real shower, and if she was really lucky a nap as well.

She expected to be exhausted all the time, having a newborn was exhausting what she didn't expect was the insomnia that had hit her the in the last few weeks. Everyone and their mother had told her to sleep whenever Sebastian was sleeping and she had tried, but it was pointless. She spent most nights tossing and turning, unable to quiet her mind. She spent those sleepless nights worrying, she couldn't shake the feeling that she wasn't doing all she could for Sebastian.

Her biggest fear was Sebastian's breast milk intake, was he getting enough? He seemed to want to nurse all the time, and while he was gaining weight it was just enough to keep his head above water so to speak. The pediatrician wasn't concerned, but she had suggested Kim talk with her lactation consultant about her concerns, her consultant suggested some changes to her diet.

Kim had stressed out over it, she was constantly on the internet researching it seven ways from Sunday.

She and Adam had butted heads a bit over it.

" _Babe, don't stress out. Sebby's fine." Adam declared, "Even his doctor said so." He set the infant in the swing and turned it on, "look at him. He's perfect. You worry too much."_

 _Kim sighed heavily, "I wish I had your nonchalance." He was infuriating sometimes, he was always so carefree and everything just rolled off his back, "someone needs to worry, not all of us are built like you, Adam. We can't all be so lucky, it must be nice to be so carefree."_

" _What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He cocked his head at her, "You don't think I worry?" Was she serious right now?_

 _Kim grabbed a stack of onesies from the laundry basket at her feet, "Nothing. It means nothing. Forget I said it." She pulled the inside of her cheek between her teeth a little, a fruitless attempt to keep the tears away, "Just go" she waved her hand, "you're going to be late."_

 _He stopped in his tracks, there was no way in hell he wasn't going to address that comment "I worry, Kim. I worry every fucking day" Adam slapped his hand against his chest, "every day I step out that door I worry about you. About Sebastian. I worry about what happens if I don't come home...so don't fucking tell me I don't worry. I can worry all fucking day and guess what? Whatever the fuck happens..it's gonna happen regardless...worrying won't stop it." He tapped his finger against his temple, "all worrying does is fuck with your head..."_

 _Kim folded her arms across her chest, "Understood." She snarked, "have a good day. We love you."_

 _Her declaration of love didn't leave him feeling all warm and fuzzy, "Love you both" he replied, the tension was palpable, he dropped a quick kiss on her cheek and was out the door in a flash._

Kim hated that morning, she had burst into tears the second he walked out, she wanted to chase him down and throw her arms around his neck and never let go. She didn't though, she watched as his truck sped off.

He grated on her nerves constantly, it didn't take much for him to piss her off. He was notorious for leaving dirty diapers on the changing table, he left his own clothes scattered all over their bedroom floor and left sopping wet towels all over their bathroom. All traits that she knew he possessed, and it had always annoyed her, but this was next level.

She spent the next twenty minutes cleaning up his messes, he was like a tornado leaving a path of destruction wherever he went. She started in their bathroom, picking up his towels and dirty clothes, tossing them directly in the hamper, the hamper that sat right next to where he dropped his towels.

She didn't dare go back in the nursery, not when Sebastian had just fallen back to sleep, but she was certain there'd be at least one dirty diaper sitting on the changing table. She was thankful that Adam had no issue changing diapers she just wished he wouldn't do it halfway, he'd leave the dirty diaper, wipes, and whatever else he used sitting on the table, he never threw anything out. When she'd call him on it, he'd smile and say ' _Sorry, I forgot.'_ Adam often did the morning routine, especially if he had been working, today was the first morning home in a good bit.

Kim cringed when she heard the doorbell, she held her breath hoping it wouldn't wake Sebastian. She was desperate for adult interaction, and in order for that to happen Sebastian would need to be sleeping.

Just once she didn't want Sebastian to be the topic of discussion, even if it was just for ten minutes.

"Aunt Kim!" Zoe bounded in the front door, "Where's Sebastian?" She noticed the empty swing in the corner of the room, "he's two months old today! Exactly eight weeks old." She adored her baby cousin, she had given up the dream of having a little brother or sister of her own, and was quite happy to fill that void with her cousin.

"That's right, he is" Kim hugged her, "he's sleeping right now, don't worry though he will be up soon." She ushered them into the living room.

Nicole pushed aside a pile of clothes as she moved to sit down, "Wow I never thought I'd see the day..you're behind on laundry"

Kim rolled her eyes at her sister's comment, "Yeah, well, try having an infant and a husband who is constantly working." She snapped at her.

Nicole patted her knee, "I was joking. Relax. I know what it's like, I was just messing with you."

"Sorry." Kim sighed, "I'm sorry." She grabbed the monitor off the coffee table, "and there's your nephew..."

Nicole pushed her back towards the couch, "I will get him. Auntie Nicole needs some Sebastian snuggles."

Kim leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes, she was feeling it from all sides lately. She felt the couch sat beneath the added weight of another body, "Hey sweet girl" Kim wrapped her arm around Zoe, "I'm surprised you're not with your mom. She went to get Sebastian. He's awake."

"I missed you." Zoe replied as she burrowed further into Kim's side, "I love Sebastian. He's super cute and everything..." she paused briefly, "but I miss it being just me and you. When we would go to dinner or get our nails done."

Kim sighed, "I'm sorry." She had spent a lot of time with Zoe just after Nicole's attack and soon became their thing, Zoe would spend the night and they'd have spa days and the like, "What about the next time Uncle Adam is off we will do just that. A girls day. Just like we used to." Kim hated that Zoe was feeling a bit left out.

"Really?" Zoe's face lit up, "that'd be so much fun. Can we go shopping too? I saved my allowance to buy something for Sebastian, I've got forty dollars saved. That'll be enough, right?"

"I think that would be more than enough." Kim hugged her, "I love you."

"I love you too!"

"Mommy..." Nicole sang as she entered the room, "This little man is hungry."

"Of course he is. When isn't he hungry?" Kim settled in to feed him in, he instantly latched on and started sucking with ferocity.

Nicole laughed, "He's starving. Have you've been starving my nephew?" Nicole grabbed the book from her purse, "So, here's the next selection for our book club. I bought you one when I grabbed mine, I figured you hadn't ventured out into the book store yet. This meeting we are just going to talk about the author and her previous works. Maybe even read the first chapter, it's all kind of up in the air. It's a new format, we shall see how it goes."

Kim screwed her face up, "I dunno if I will go. Adam is working crazy hours."

"You can bring Sebastian, I know everyone is dying to meet him." Nicole suggested, "you could use a night out."

"I don't know...he's so young." Kim countered, "it's not like I've got time to read anyway,"

"Think about it, okay?"

"I will." Kim replied, "I promise."

"Mom wanted me to ask you about his newborn photos. She wants copies. Have you gotten them back yet?"

Kim handed Sebastian off to Zoe, "I did." She had gotten them but hadn't yet looked at them, "here" she handed the envelope over to her.

"It's still sealed?"

"We've been busy."

"Zoe, honey. Come sit with your cousin" Nicole buckled him into the seat and moved to sit at the table, "I was so excited to see Zoe's first photos. I can't believe you haven't looked at them."

Nicole flipped through them, "They're gorgeous, but damn..that bruise. He looked awful, I know it looked far worse than it was but it still hurts to look at. That sweet baby face, I still can't believe you were so calm."

"Kim!" Nicole called out, "Kim! What did I do?" She watched as her younger sister retreated down the long hallway.

"What's wrong?" Zoe asked.

Nicole was dumbfounded, "I don't know."


	5. Daddy's The Baby Whisperer

_**I think I've already lost you**_

 _ **I think you're already gone**_

 _ **I think I'm finally scared now**_

 _ **If You're Gone by Matchbox 20**_

Geraldine Sullivan walked through the doors of Edison Elementary for the last time, the unimaginable had finally happened, she retired.

She had been a first grade teacher for close to thirty years, she had hundreds of children walk into her classroom and eventually into her heart, where they would stay forever. No one had believed her when she announced her retirement at the beginning of the year. She was one of the most requested teachers in the district.

She was stern but loving, she had a voice that could calm a classroom of six and seven year olds, she wiped countless tears off the cheeks of children. She advocated for every single child in her class, she occasionally went to bat for the parents of those in her class, she celebrated every accomplishment and held their hands during disappointment.

Geraldine was special, she had the ability to see the good in even the most trying child, parent, or colleague. She was an amazing teacher, friend, and mother, she had raised her three boys on her own. Her husband Michael had been killed in a horrific automobile accident when her youngest son was ten years old.

Her boys, Andrew, Trevor, and Garrett were her reason for living after she lost Michael, they needed her and she was bound and determined to make sure her boys were okay. That they grew into men their daddy would've been proud of, and they had. In fact they had done even better than she ever imagined, though it was not without a bit of drama along the way.

Andrew, her oldest had given her more than a few gray hairs. He had carried a heavy burden on his shoulders. He had assumed guilt over his father's accident, Michael had been on his way to pick Andrew up from lacrosse practice on the day of the accident. Andrew was devastated and blamed himself for a long time, it lead to some serious rebellion. He was an angry young man and filled with rage, it was a rough go of it for a long time.

About a year after Michael's death Andrew had been arrested for shoplifting, he had gone completely off the rails. He was sentenced to probation and community service and it was what had saved him. Through his community service he met a police officer who had taken him under his wing and Andrew did a 180, Geraldine would be forever indebted to that officer.

Andrew and the man had formed quite the bond and had become life long friends. Over the years he attended all of Andrew's lacrosse games and played an active role in his life and that of his younger brothers.

Thomas McQuaid had taken on a bit of a fatherly role in the boys lives, and through Thomas she had met Bob Ruzek.

Geraldine had always had a 'soft spot' for those who were troubled, the difficult people. Any child with behavioral issues was placed in her class, she had a knack for connecting with them. They all knew it was because she saw her boys in those children and she would do her damndest to make sure they succeeded.

It was why she and Bob worked, she had seen the good in him.

Bob was a playboy, a man who was always looking for his next conquest. He was a love them and leave them type, he was always up for a little fun but took off before he was in too deep.

Except for her.

Bob had met her at one of Tommy's parties and he was instantly attracted, over the course a few months he knew she was different, he fell hard and fast.

It had a bit of a fairytale vibe to it, Bob's heart attack a year ago had solidified their relationship. Bob's heart attack had been a minor one but had scared them both. Geraldine never left his side and had put him on the path towards a healthier lifestyle, a feat that many would've deemed impossible.

As much as she was going to miss teaching she was ready for the next phase of her life, which would include lots of snuggle time with sweet Sebastian. She had jumped at the chance to keep him once Kim went back to work. It had been serendipitous that the district had offered a sweet retirement package when they did, Kim and Adam were struggling to come up with a plan when her maternity leave was over.

"Ugh, fuck..." Adam griped as his son spit up all over him, "Kim..." he called out, "He did it again." He gagged as he felt the warmth of it against his chest, "Is this normal?"

Kim grabbed one of the hundreds of burp cloths that littered their living room, "Babies spit up" she cleaned Sebastian's face, "Maybe you shouldn't jostle him around so much"

"I didn't jostle him around, Kim. I fucking sat down with him and he puked. Projectile puked" Adam peeled his shirt off and tossed it on the floor, "I'm gonna need another shower before we go to my Pop's place. I smell like puke."

"Welcome to my world." Kim followed Adam into their bedroom, stripping Sebastian, "here, take him you can kill two birds with one stone. You can wash the puke off and yourself and then you can take him to your dad's with you"

"Seriously?"

"Yes." She shoved the baby into Adam's arms, "I'm staying home tonight."

Adam did his best to wash his son, "What? Why? You have to come, I don't want to go alone."

Kim grabbed a fresh outfit for the baby and set it on the countertop, "You'll be fine. You won't be alone, you'll have your son to keep you company."

Adam sulked, "We can stay home. I can cancel, Pop'll understand."

"He might but Geraldine won't, she hasn't seen the baby in a few weeks. You'll be fine, she will see to it. She'll wait on you hand and foot. I just need a night to myself. A nice long bath and a good book."

"Fine." Adam relented, "You promise to relax?"

"Relax?"

"Yeah. Relax. You seem stressed."

Kim rolled her eyes, "Whatever Adam, just make sure you take the breast milk from the freezer and check the dates this time." She could've killed him last week and he used the most recent baggies instead of checking dates on the bags. Heaven forbid he move things around and take notice of the dates written on each bag.

Geraldine was chomping at the bit for Adam and Kim to arrive, she had been looking forward to this visit for weeks. She had a lot going on with her retirement and numerous events to attend s the year wound down and that meant she had little time left to spend with family. Her boys no longer lived in Chicago, both Andrew and Trevor had joined the military and were both stationed overseas at the moment and Garrett was knee deep in medical school in California. She didn't get to see her boys nearly enough and missed them deeply, she was head over heels in love with sweet little Sebastian and she was beyond thankful to have him in her life.

"Settle down, Gerri" Bob grabbed her hand, he didn't miss the look she shot him as he used that dreadful nickname, "They'll be here soon, your pacing won't make it happen any faster. Don't give me that look.."

"Don't call me Gerri, and I won't give you that look." She quipped, "I just miss my baby, it's been two weeks!"

"That's not a long time, you've gone longer without seeing me." Bob was quick to point out.

"Well, I don't love you nearly as much as I love sweet Sebastian." She could give as good as she got, she loved how he brought out her playful side.

"I'm beginning to think you only keep me around to have access to my grandson. I'm on to you woman." He loved this woman with all he had, with her he felt whole. Everything made sense with her at his side.

"Darn it." She snapped her fingers, "you figured it out." She wrapped her arms around him, burying her head in his chest, "well, Sebastian along with your warm hugs, and that fast car of yours."

"Oh, that's too bad." Geraldine was disappointed Kim had stayed home, "I wanted to ask her about a book I just finished." They often read the same books, Kim would read them with her book club and then pass it on and they spend an hour or two discussing it while the guys watched a game.

"She's been super tired lately, I think she just needed a break." Adam explained, he caught a look on his Pops that didn't sit quite right with him, "You good Pops?"

"Yes. Why?"

"I dunno. You had a weird look just now." Adam set the car seat on the floor and unbuckled his boy, Sebastian's arms flailing out. "hey, man. Daddy's got you."

"GG wants her baby" Geraldine reached for him, "I've missed you so much! Oh Bob isn't he the cutest thing ever?" She nuzzled his cheek, Sebastian smiling at the sound of her voice his entire face lit up as she continued talking to him, occasionally she would receive a soft gurgle in response.

"Come on, Son. Let's have a beer and talk shop." Bob motioned towards the back patio, "I've already fired up the grill."

She was drowning and there wasn't a life preserver in sight, she was overwhelmed with guilt. Her stomach was knotted to the point it ached, her mind was constantly racing making sleep impossible. Her skin crawled and she felt anxious, she felt trapped.

It wasn't supposed to be this way, she was supposed to be happy. She had a sweet little baby that she loved with all of her heart but yet she couldn't stand to be in the same room as him some days. He was demanding, he was never satisfied when it came to nursing. She could no longer stand to nurse him, choosing instead to pump and offer a bottle instead of her breast. It wasn't easy, and Sebastian clearly preferred the boob over the bottle and she hated it. She didn't want to feel this way, she didn't want to be disgusted by her baby but she was. She couldn't remember the last time she let his name fall from her lips, it was always the baby or him, never Sebastian.

It wasn't only Sebastian who made her feel sick to her stomach, Adam did as well. She bucked all of his advances despite being cleared to resume having sex, she had no desire to do so wither, just the thought of Adam's dick inside her made her want to vomit.

She stood beneath the shower head, letting the scalding hot water rain down on her. Her skin turning red as the beads of water pelted her. She felt her knees give way as a burst of emotion tore through her.

She sobbed uncontrollably.

Adam watched from the kitchen window as his father and Geraldine spoke in hushed tones, he had no idea what was being said but he had a hunch it was serious. They'd been like this since he stepped foot in the house. He checked on Sebastian, the little guy was out cold in his pack and play.

He couldn't take it anymore, "What's going on? Don't tell me nothing, I know something is up. Talk to me."

Geraldine grabbed Bob's hand, "Bob..don't..." she pleaded with him, "Now is not the time." They had both noticed it, they had seen the red flags pop up all over the place, her absence tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back but this wasn't the way to handle it. She had no idea how to proceed but she knew this wasn't the way.

"Sweetheart I can't stay quiet. I have to say something." Bob gave her hand a squeeze, he couldn't allow this to remain unsaid. "I've seen enough, I'm afraid Kim has a problem Adam, I think she is dealing with some postpartum.."

Adam scoffed, "No she isn't. She's fine."

"Son, I don't think she is." Bob placed his hand on Adam's shoulder, "She's pulling away from everyone. She's canceling plans she's made with Geraldine. She didn't come to dinner tonight, she's struggling..."

"No shit." Adam shrugged off his father's hand, "She's dealing with a two month old who isn't the easiest baby. He's constantly spitting up, he wants to nurse all the time. He's demanding. I'm working a lot lately, she's exhausted but she's fine."

"No." Bob had started the conversation and he knew he needed to see it through to the end, "Adam, I've been down this path before. Your mother suffered from postpartum..."

"Don't you fucking dare!" Adam's was irate, "don't you fucking dare compare my wife to her! She was fucking crazy, Kim's not crazy. She's fucking tired!"

"It's more than that Adam! She's depressed, she's changed. You've got to notice it." Bob practically begged his son, "Don't leave..." he called out to Adam as he stormed inside, "Son, let's talk about this."

Adam was already buckling Sebastian into his car seat, "No. I won't sit here and listen to you trash my wife"

"That's not what he's doing Adam." Geraldine spoke, "He's worried. I am too."

"Don't be." Adam snarled, "There's nothing wrong with my wife, nothing at all."

She had her hair up in a messy bun, after her shower she had tried to fall asleep but her mind raced, her thoughts were all over the place and made little sense. She gave up sleeping and decided to clean up around the house, before she knew it she was on her hands and knees cleaning the kitchen floor.

Adam could smell the bleach the second he opened the door, it nearly knocked him on his ass and his eyes burned.

"Jesus, Kim." He used his forearm to cover his nose, "Did you use the whole fucking bottle?" He quickly moved across the room and opened the window, "Holy shit..."

"The floor was disgusting. I had to clean it." She washed her hands, "you're home early." Kim checked the clock, "it's only been two hours."

"I wasn't feeling it tonight." He replied, "I thought you were going to try to get some sleep?" He was pretty sure the kitchen floor was clean enough to eat off.

"The floor was nasty. You never wipe off your shoes. You drag all sorts of disgusting shit in the house, it's annoying as hell. I ask you all the time to wipe off your feet before you come inside. It won't be long before the baby starts crawling."

"Whatever." He snapped, his mood had taken a serious hit, he sucked his teeth, "Sorry." He had hoped the drive over would've calmed him a bit but clearly that hadn't happened.

"You're pleasant company, I see." Kim continued to scrub the floor.

"I'm assuming you didn't sleep?"

"Nope." Kim replied.

"Did you try?"

"Yes."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." Kim tossed the sponge in the bucket and moved to take it outside.

"I will do that. Give it to me." Adam tried to take it from her.

"I can do it."

"I know you can, just let me help."

"Fine." Kim handed it over. She stole a glance at her sleeping son, she adored him. She loved how his mouth formed the cutest little pout as he slept, every so often his lips would move as he sucked instinctively in his sleep. She loved his chocolates brown eyes, she loved how they shined with pure love when he heard his daddy's voice. She loved how Sebastian loved to hold onto the silky trim of his baby blanket, his little hand would curl into a fist and held it tightly.

She loved everything about her son, but yet she couldn't stand to be in the same room as him most days. She didn't understand what was wrong with her, why she could feel such overwhelming love for her child and then be so disgusted by him at the same time.

Adam joined her on the couch when he returned, "I wish you would've waited until tomorrow to clean. I would've helped you."

"I can do it myself." Kim leaned away from him, "I'm not helpless you know."

"Didn't say you were. Just that I would've helped, that's all." Adam countered, "Why don't we snuggle up with some cheesy movie. I've missed you."

"I don't feel like it." Kim replied, "it's getting late."

"Kim, it's not even nine yet..come sit with me. Sebastian's sleeping.." he grabbed her hand, "I miss you. I miss being with you" He was desperate. He needed a sign from her, he needed to know she was okay. There was this tiny part of him that thought maybe just maybe his father was on to something. He needed proof she was okay, he needed to silence that little voice in his head.

"You don't miss me, you miss sex." Kim retorted.

"No...well..." Adam stammered a bit, "Yes, I miss sex, but that'd not what this is. That's not what I'm after now, I just want to sit with my wife and watch some corny ass movie, is that so bad?"

"I just wanna go to bed." Kim told him, "I just want to go to sleep..."

"Fine. Go to bed." Adam huffed, "do whatever you want, I don't give a fuck. I'm going to the gym"

"You're going to the gym? Now?" Kim felt the panic build in her gut, "What about the baby?"

"Yeah. Now." Adam grabbed his gym bag from the laundry room. "He's asleep, I won't be long." He beat a hasty exit.

Kim cursed him under her breath, she peaked in on the baby and relief flooded her to find him sleeping soundly. She tossed up a silent prayer that he stayed asleep.

Adam was many things, a gym rat wasn't one of those things. He did the bare minimum to keep himself fit. He'd hit the free weights for a bit, hop on a treadmill, and then hit the circuit of machines in the center of the gym. When all was said and done he'd get in close to two hours of a workout, not tonight.

Tonight he was angry.

He needed a sparring partner, he needed to hit someone.

It was serendipitous that Kevin walked through the doors.

"Has hell frozen over?" Kevin shook his hand, "What's poppin'?"

"Funny." Adam taped his hands up, "I had some energy to burn. You game?"

"Abso-fucking-lutley" Kevin never passed up an opportunity to toss hands.

It was ear piercing and it was unrelenting, his little hands had curled in tight fists, his legs were kicking furiously, his face a bright red.

Sebastian had woken just minutes after Adam had left, Kim was certain he knew he had been left with her and now he was protesting. She had fed him, he refused to take from the bottle despite her numerous attempts. She finally gave up and offered him her breast, he immediately latched on, she winced in pain as he attacked her nipple with fervor. It was as if he hadn't eaten in days, he was insatiable.

It did little to settle him, his little body writhed around, his limbs flailing wildly. He was inconsolable, he vomited shortly after nursing and was miserable. Kim tried to settle him, she swayed him from side to side, only for him to arch away from her, screaming as he did so.

She gave up.

She put him in the crib and walked out of the room.

Adam could hear his son screaming as soon as he opened the door, it was like a knife in his heart.

He felt his jaw drop when he saw Kim sitting on the couch a magazine in her hand, their son crying on the floor.

"Fuck Kim!" Adam tossed his things on the floor and raced to lift his son off the floor, his chest heaving with each sob, "What the hell?"

"He's pissed." Kim told him, "I fed him. He spit up. I cleaned him. I tried to soothe him, he's impossible."

Sebastian continued to cry, Adam shushed him as he rubbed his back, he hated the feeling of his son trembling in his arms, "How long has he been crying?"

"I don't know, long enough." Kim went into the kitchen and grabbed a baggie of frozen breast milk, "He probably wants to eat again. I can't do it."

He finally began to calm down, "Its Alright man, daddy's got you." Adam whispered in his ear. He was still bouncing on the balls of his feet, "I think he'd rather the boob."

"He's already had the boob. He needs the bottle. I can't tonight. I just can't." Kim dismissed them both with a wave of her hand.

"Kim..he needs to eat. He does better when you nurse him." He dropped the baby in her arms, Sebastian rooted against her breast, he started to cry when he wasn't getting what he needed. His body going rigid in her arms, "He doesn't want me..."

"You're tense, he can feel it. You need to relax." Adam took his son back from her, "It's okay buddy...daddy'll feed you."

"That's right, cause daddy is the fucking baby whisperer!" Kim snapped.

"He can sense when you're frustrated. You can't get so worked up." Adam could feel it, the frustration was rolling off her in waves, "Just calm down, Sebastian will calm down as well...see? It's easy."

Kim felt her face grow hot, her lip curl in anger, "Fuck you, Adam! Fuck you!"

 _ **I apologize for the delay in posting this chapter, this is one of the hardest I've ever written, I'm trying to do this topic justice and it's been difficult making it all work. I hope you'll stick with me, I promise to see this through to the end, hopefully you'll stick around to read it.**_


	6. She Lied

Adam leaned on the door frame, he remained unnoticed as he watched his wife sit at the table, her body language was as negative as it could get. Her shoulders sagged and her head bowed over a cup of something hot. His best guess would be that it was herbal tea, she had researched the shit out of what she could and couldn't have when breastfeeding and had been relieved to find a handful herbal of teas she could drink.

It was part of what baffled him, she had been happier than a pig in shit during her pregnancy. Sure, some days she was a bit testy maybe even a little grumpy but there was always a glimmer of excitement in her eyes, she had loved their baby from the second she learned of his existence.

He had to figure this out.

Geraldine nudged him, "Honey..wake up." She felt like a kid at a Christmas, "Honey, get up."

Bob groaned, "Early..."

"Yes, I know it's early, but I'm excited." She waited until he was sitting upright in bed, "Kim called. She's coming over in a few hours. Her and Sebastian."

Suddenly Bob was wide awake, "Adam? Is he coming as well?" He knew he had pissed his son off the other night and he was hoping to make it right. While he may have gone about addressing Kim's issues the wrong way, he wasn't wrong to have brought them up.

"No. Adam is working. It'll just be Kim and the baby." Geraldine picked up on his disappointment, "Maybe we were wrong after all, maybe everything is fine with Kim. If Adam was upset or mad at us, I don't think Kim would be coming over. Perhaps it was all a big misunderstanding."

"I doubt it."

"Don't be such a pessimist. You'll see everything will be fine. I just know it. Now get up and get dressed, our grandson is coming over."

Bob loved how much Geraldine loved Sebastian, she loved him as if he was her own flesh and blood. "I'm not trying to me a pessimist, Sweetheart. I'm just worried, I've been down this path before. I didn't do a damn thing then and my son suffered because of it, I'll be damned if I allow it to happen again to my son and his son."

Geraldine shook her head, "Please don't bring it up with Kim today." She wanted to get a feel for Kim's mood, while she did agree with Bob that something was up with her, she wasn't so sure it was as bad as Bob was making it out to be, "Let's just enjoy the day with Kim and Sebastian."

"Fine. I won't." Bob relented, "Not today but soon. We can't ignore it forever." He loved Kim and he hated what was going on with her, he hated it for Sebastian. More than anything he hated that Kim was struggling, he missed his happy go lucky daughter in law, he missed hearing her giggle at something Adam had said or done. He just missed her.

"Thank you" she kissed his cheek as he walked past her towards their bathroom, "I know you're worried, we will figure this out. I promise. If Kim needs help, we will make sure she gets it. Her and Adam both."

"Good morning" Adam sat on the countertop.

"Don't sit on that, Adam." He knew she hated when he sat on the kitchen counters, she was certain that's why he did it.

"You didn't come to bed last night." Adam hopped down and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, "I'm sorry. I was in a shit mood."

"Yep." Kim dumped the remains of her tea down the sink, "I'm taking the baby to see your dad and Geraldine today."

"Really?"

"Yes. You didn't stay long, and I haven't seen them in ages. It'll be good to get out of the house."

"Fantastic. I will try and get away around lunch." He told her.

"You don't need to do that, you're needed at work." Kim placed her hand on his chest, "I love you. You know that right? I love you so much."

Adam smiled, "I do. I love you too, darlin'. So very much." He leaned in for a kiss, he was pleasantly surprised when she not only welcomed his kiss but slipped her tongue in his mouth, she held his face in her hands, stroking his cheeks as they kissed.

He begrudgingly pulled back, "Wow..."

"I love you." Kim repeated.

The baby monitor on the counter sprang to life as Sebastian's cries broke them from their embrace, Adam groaned at his son's timing, "I will get him. Has he eaten yet this morning?"

"No."

"I'll feed him, bathe him and dress him for you." Adam smiled, "Go put your feet up, watch some of that reality tv shit you like. I got this."

"Thank you, Adam." She stole a quick kiss, "You're a wonderful daddy, our son is so lucky."

"Why the hell are you so chipper?" Atwater asked, their day had been pretty shit from the get go, no one ever enjoyed 'professional development' and they'd spent the last three hours being talked at.

"Who? Me?" Adam held his hands out.

"Yeah you."

"I dunno. Today's just a good day. Don't question it Kev, just roll with it." Adam felt lighter than he had in a long time, once his father had opened the can of worms that was Kim's mood lately he started questioning everything. The relief that flooded him when Kim reached out to him this morning was like a tsunami and he knew it that instant his Pops was wrong, Kim was fine. He hated that he doubted her, pregnancy wasn't easy nor was caring for an infant. While Sebastian was a good baby for the most part, his reflux and the constant spitting up was rough.

He constantly wanted to nurse and it was taking a toll on Kim. Toss in her insomnia and it could get ugly. Needless to say the shift in Kim's demeanor this morning had him walking on air.

As they entered the 21st, Adam was a bit surprised to see Nicole leaning on the desk, "Nicole?"

Nicole's head snapped up, "Adam. I need to talk to you. It's important."

"I'll be up soon" Adam called out to Kevin, "Here..let's go in here." He found them a vacant office, he closed the door and waited for Nicole to sit down. "What's up?"

Nicole sat down briefly, her nerves were on overdrive and she needed to move, she began to pace around the small office. This wasn't easy and she knew her sister would be furious with her but she couldn't worry about any of that. She hadn't spoken to her sister in days, her calls and text messages had been ignored and Nicole knew she needed to speak up.

"I'm worried..."

"Seriously? You too?"

"Excuse me?" She was taken aback by his reply.

"My father. He's worried about Kim. No need to be. You shouldn't be worried either, Kim is fine. She's just dealing with a lot right now, Sebastian is demanding a lot from her but she's good." He patted her arm, "So no need to worry. You should call her, I'm sure she'd love to see you and Zoe."

Nicole glared at him, "We saw her last week. She was off, Adam. Really off."

"When?" Adam questioned her, "Kim never mentioned it."

"Of course she didn't it." Nicole scoffed, "I told you she's off. I brought up Sebastian's newborn photos, my mother wanted copies..."

"They didn't come in." Adam interjected, "Some kind of mix up.." he waved his hand around dismissively, "I don't remember exactly what it was, we are still waiting for the replacement prints."

Nicole pulled a large envelope from her purse, "She lied to you." She handed it to him, and watched as he pulled the photos out, she heard him groan as he was hit with the photos of his son's bruised face, "She practically threw them at me and then stormed out of the room. I tired to get her to come out of the bedroom but she refused. I waited around for a bit but left. I took the photos with me. I doubt she even realized they were gone."

Adam was dumbfounded, "Why would she lie to me?"

"I made an off the cuff remark about the bruises. That I couldn't believe she had been so calm about it, that he looked awful."

"Fuck Nicole! What the hell?" Adam moved to sit down, "How could you?"

"I regretted it instantly, I wasn't thinking. Obviously." Nicole sat next to him, "She hadn't even opened the envelope, she never looked at them." She grabbed a tissue, she wasn't surprised that she had started to cry, "I'm really worried about her. Adam."

"Don't be, okay?" Adam wrapped an arm around her shoulder, "I will talk to her. I think she is stressed out and exhausted but she's okay. She and I had a really good morning and she was going to visit my dad and his girlfriend. She's good, Kim's good."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Bob.." Geraldine was on edge, "Where is she?"

"Give her some time, you know how easy it is to lose track of time. Add in Chicago traffic and you know how that goes. Just give it some time."

She checked her watch, "It's been hours She said she'd be here hours ago. I think we should call Adam."

"No. Don't do that. He's working, the last thing he needs to be is distracted." He grabbed the phone from her hands, "We will give her another hour then we will call Adam. Just try and relax."

She had done it.

Her hands still trembled and her heart raced. She was sweating profusely and her cheeks were tear stained, she had no right to cry though. She wanted this, she did this. It was a swirl of conflicting emotions, but for the first time since in weeks she felt relief.

She was no longer at his beck and call, she no longer had to provide for him.

He was gone.

She carted the overstuffed trash bag to the dumpster, her hands were raw from the relentless scrubbing.

His cries no longer reverberated in her head, she had silenced them.

"What do you mean?" Adam was suddenly breathless, "Okay...ok...I'm on my way." He was up in a flash, he could feel Kevin's eyes on him as he stalked across the bullpen to Voight's office, "Boss, I gotta go. Now."

"Excuse me?" Voight didn't care for his tone, "We are working a case." What had started off as a 'professional development' day turned into an abduction case just after lunch and it had been balls to the wall since.

"Yeah...well, Kim is missing." Adam felt his knees knock a bit, "I don't know what the hell is going on...I need to go."

"Go." Hank went to him, "Call us if you need backup. We will farm out the case to Special Victims if needed. Just say the word."

Kevin grabbed him, "Adam..what the hell is going on?"

"I don't know" Adam was halfway down the flight of stairs, "I don't fucking know."

She had thought up a thousand different scenarios.

It was a bit surprising, the ease of which they came to her. Her years on the force had clearly played a role in that. She had seen a lot, she had learned a lot. He was defenseless, it wouldn't take much on her end.

A pillow, a tainted bottle of breast milk, fuck it was summer she could leave him in the car.

She vomited violently as she replayed the events of the day over and over in her head, she was a monster.

Adam took the steps that led to his father's front door three at a time, his father meeting him at the door, "Son..."

"Where is she?" Adam charged in, "What the hell is going on?"

Kim sat cross legged on the floor, her back against the wall. She had scrubbed every surface in the bathroom, her hands felt as if they were on fire. She had scrubbed them until they bled, the bleach she used for the floor had burned her hands as she worked, she welcomed the pain though.

It was the least of what she deserved.

She was a monster.

 ** _If it is born in flames then we should let it burn_**

 ** _Burn as brightly as we can_**

 ** _if it's gotta end then let it end in flames_**

 ** _Let it burn, let it burn_**

 ** _If its gotta end let it burn_**

 ** _If its gotta end let it burn_**

 ** _It ends where it began, so hot with love, it burns our hands._**

 ** _Currents_**

 ** _Dashboard Confessional_**


	7. I'm Begging You

_**But do not ask the price I pay**_

 _ **I must live with my quiet rage**_

 _ **Tame the ghosts in my head**_

 _ **That run wild and wish me dead**_

 _ **Should you shake my ash to the wind**_

 _ **Lord forget all of my sins**_

 _ **And let me die where I lie**_

 _ **Beneath the curse of my lovers eyes**_

 _ **Lovers Eyes**_

 _ **Mumford and Sons**_

Bob led Adam to the couch, "Sit down. You're scaring me." He didn't like the look on his son's face, his face was flushed and his eyes seemed unable to focus, "Just take a deep breath, you need to breathe"

Adam jumped up when Geraldine entered the living room, "Give him to me." He roughly grabbed Sebastian, causing the infant to flail his arms, "Shit...I'm sorry Sebby. Daddy's sorry." He cradled him carefully in his arms, "Tell me everything, Pops. Tell me everything that happened today."

Geraldine joined them on the couch, she had been a bit surprised by Kim's demeanor. She was expecting Kim to stay and visit for a few hours, not for her to drop the baby off and immediately leave.

"I had planned on Kim joining us for breakfast, I made her favorites. I know it's not been easy for her, I wanted to pamper her a bit. You know let her kick her feet up.."

"How long did she stay?" Adam absentmindedly stroked his son's head.

Bob clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, "I dunno fifteen minutes or so. She dropped Sebastian's diaper bag by the door, took him out of his seat and handed him to Gerri." Bob explained.

"She was distant, didn't say much." Geraldine had finally seen what Bob had been concerned about, "To us and Sebastian. I tried to get her to stay for a bit. To eat something, but she said she had errands to run, that she'd be back in a few hours. I never thought she'd be gone all day, Adam. She didn't even kiss the baby goodbye...she just walked out."

She had to do this, it was the least she could do. She couldn't be the mother her son deserved nor could she be the wife her husband deserved not now. Not when her every thought centered around killing her son, she had to leave.

Kim had cleaned every square inch of their house and stocked the fridge full of food. She had organized all of the breast milk she had on hand and purchased a few cans of formula with explicit directions on how to make the transition as easy as possible.

Just another way she had let her baby down.

Dropping the baby off had been hard, she knew the conversation she needed to have with Adam was going to be the hardest thing she had ever done.

She would never forgive herself if she had hurt her baby, if she had acted out her fantasies. She shuddered at the word, typically a fantasy of her's revolved around Adam and the things she'd do to him. Never in a million years did she think she'd dream of killing their infant son.

The first time she dreamed she had killed him had her in tears and feeling sick to her stomach, and then it happened again and again and again. It soon became a daily occurrence, it was happening all the time. It didn't matter if it was night or day, if she was sleeping or wide awake, she was unable to think of anything else.

It consumed her.

She grabbed her phone of the counter, her hands shaking as she typed.

Adam grabbed his phone, relief washed over him, "It's Kim."

"Is she okay? Where is she?" Bob questioned him.

"She's home." Adam sighed, "I need to go."

"Are you kidding? She's home? What the hell, does she realize what she put Gerri and I through?"

Adam gathered Sebastian's things, "I don't know dad..." he roughly filled his son's diaper bag, "I need to get home." Any positive thoughts he had about Kim's well being had vanished, after Nicole's visit earlier and now this, something was wrong. He wasn't sure what had happened with them this morning but it now had him scared.

"Bob, calm down. Adam knows as much as we know." She hugged Adam, "Please drive safely and let us know what's going on as soon as you can. We love you and Kim both." Her maternal instincts were firing on all cylinders, she sensed that this was just the beginning of an ugly situation.

"I will. Thanks for keeping Sebastian."

She heard the slam of the door, Adam was home.

She pulled in a deep breath and slowly released it, she was falling apart and she didn't know how to stop it. Everything she loved felt as if it was slipping between her fingers like a handful of sand.

"Kim?" Adam called out, "Kim?"

He was surprised to see the state of the house, when he had left this morning is was a bit cluttered. He'd never classify it as messy but it certainly wasn't in its usual state, Kim was very much a neat freak, in the immediate days after Sebastian's birth Kim had let the house go a bit.

Kim jumped up, "We need to talk." Her voice was devoid of emotion, "I'm leaving."

Adam was taken aback, "What?" He placed Sebastian in the swing, "What the hell is going on?"

Kim looked down at her son, he was beautiful. She loved him with every ounce of her soul, yet she wanted nothing to do with him. Her guilt had been building since his birth, it had been so hard on her, it was exhausting. She refused to budge on anything other than a natural vaginal delivery and she had done it.

At Sebastian's expense.

She had put her own desires above what was best for her son, she refused a c-section and accepted a forceps delivery which resulted in facial bruising for her son. She had been so calm about it, when Adam was livid.

Adam. The man who was bothered by nothing, everything rolled off his back. He was furious, she had been the one to talk him down.

Even Nicole was pissed off.

What kind of mother was she? How was she not irate with the doctors? How was she able to remain rational about it?

She absolutely hated breast feeding, it hurt like hell not to mention it felt as if that was all she was doing.

She was a monster.

Her baby needed her and she wanted to tell him to fuck off, she stopped nursing him. She never cuddled him, only holding him when nothing else worked. Kim was certain Sebastian knew how she felt, it was why he was constantly crying when he was with her. He was miserable in her care, it was to the point where he was constantly throwing up.

What she thought was going to be an amazing time, she couldn't wait to be a mommy and now that she was, she wanted to be anything but a mommy.

So she made the decision that was best for all parties, she was walking away from her husband and infant son.

Yep, she was a monster.

She had come to the decision a few days ago but lacked the courage to do it, until she almost did the unthinkable.

" _Stop it, please just stop it!" She begged Sebastian, he'd been crying for over an hour, nothing she did helped to soothe him, "Just shut up!" She screamed, "Shut up!" She lifted him up under his arms and held him so his eyes were level with hers, "Shut up, Sebastian! Just shut up!"_

 _His face was beet red as he screamed, as the tears rolled down his cheeks Kim felt the bile fill her throat, "Oh my god..." she was stunned, she had been in a fog of sorts but her son's tears had snapped her out of it._

 _Kim placed him gently on the floor, she stumbled backwards and fell to her knees sobbing. She almost shook him, she had been seconds away from shaking her ten week old son. She stood up and towered over him, "I'm so sorry...baby...I'm so sorry_..."

That moment had been her rock bottom. She spent that night awake, she decided that night she was leaving. She had to, she was terrified she would end up killing her son and herself. She told Adam she loved him in the morning, she kissed him for the last time. She actually held her son that morning and not because she had to, but because she wanted to. She wanted to feel the weight of him in her arms one last time, she wanted to feel the beat of his heart as she held him close to hers. She needed him to know how very sorry she was, sorry that she wasn't the mother he deserved.

 _Carefully she lifted him from his crib, she slipped the binky in his mouth and sat down in the glider, "Oh..baby..." she buried her nose in his soft silky hair, "I'm so sorry...I love you so very much. I know it doesn't feel like it but I do, so so much. I need to leave you and your daddy. You didn't do anything wrong, it's me. It's all me. I don't know what's wrong with me, but you're not safe with me. You are with daddy. You've got the best daddy, I know he will keep you safe and love you the way you deserve to be loved. Mommy loves you Sebastian." She placed a soft tender kiss on his cheek, before returning him to his crib._

She had left him with Adam's father just two hours later. She couldn't understand how she could love him so much and then feel the way she did.

"I can't do this." Kim remained steadfast, "This isn't working for me. I need to leave." It was a shit explanation and she knew it, she couldn't bring herself to actually say the words. She couldn't tell him why she was really leaving, he would hate her.

Adam closed the gap between he grabbed ahold of her hands, "You're not making any sense right now, darlin'. Let's sit down and talk this out, I need to understand what happened today. You really scared us, Geraldine was beside herself with worry."

Kim pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, "Adam.." she mumbled, "I'm leaving. I've already decided. You can't change my mind. I have to do this. I can't be the mother the baby..."

"Sebastian! His name is Sebastian!" Adam's outburst startled her, "Our son's name is Sebastian! Say his name, Kim! Say it!"

"I can't!" Kim cried, "I can't. I need to go. Please don't make this harder than it needs to be..."

"They were right. Weren't they?" Adam felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to his chest, "I'm an idiot, I told them they were wrong..."

Kim had a fair idea of who he was talking about, she knew Nicole had her suspicions. The day she stormed out had tipped off Nicole who had called and texted numerous times since then and Kim had iced her out.

She moved to grab her bag, "I'm sorry..."

He grabbed her wrist, "Don't leave. Don't leave us, we can figure it out."

Kim could see the tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry..."

Adam slammed his hand against the wall, "Fuck! Stop saying that...just stay. Stay with us, we will be okay, I need you. Sebastian needs you..."

"No. He doesn't need me" she choked out, "just let me go. I've got to go."

"Just like that, huh? You're going to walk out that door..walk out on me, on our son?" He was struggling to keep it together, he was teetering on the edge.

"It's what's best..."

"Fuck! You keep saying that...it's not for the best. Our son needs his mother..."

"He's not safe with me!" She screamed, "Don't you understand? He's not safe! I've dream of killing him every night...it's all I think about.."

"What?" Adam felt his blood run cold at her admission, "What..."

"You heard me! I'm a monster. That baby is better off without me. So are you." She grabbed her keys, she refused to look at her son, "take care of him, Adam, take care of our son."

Adam wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, "I know you Kim. I know your heart, you'd never hurt our son, I don't know what the hell is going on with you..but I know you. You'd never hurt him."

"I'm leaving because I almost did. I wanted to shake him, he wouldn't stop crying. No matter what I did he cried, I lifted him up in my arms. I yelled him. Begged him to stop crying..." she was hysterical, gasping for air as she spoke, "I wanted to shake him, Adam. I wanted to shake the life out of him. I wanted him dead."

"No..." Adam shook his head, "You love him.." He retrieved Sebastian from the swing, "Look at him! Look at our son, your son. You love him. Hold him, hold your son." The tears fell from his eyes and

Kim stepped back from him, "No."

"Don't go."

"I'm sorry.."

Adam kissed Sebastian's head, the infant crying, "Please...I'm begging you...don't do this." He was desperate for her to stay, he couldn't lose her. "Please, stay. I need you. I love you and I need you, I don't work without you, I can't do this alone, Kim. I need you with me. Please..."

Kim turned and left with barely a backwards glance.


	8. Baby Blues

" _ **And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off,**_

 _ **And if your glass heart should crack, and for a second**_

 _ **You turn back, oh no, be strong"**_

 _ **Walk On by U2**_

He ran his hands over his face wearily, he had been knocked on his ass and was still trying to get up. He wasn't even sure he could get up.

He had lost it shortly after he put Sebastian down for the night, he looked at his hand and winced softly as he flexed his fingers. He was confident his hand wasn't broken, his knuckles cut up and he could see the faint marks of the bruises still to come. While he was confident his hand wasn't broken, the living room wall wasn't as lucky he had put his fist through it.

He then spent the rest of the night in his son's room watching as he slept, he had woken up hungry just before dawn, he wanted no part of the bottle Adam had offered. He wanted Kim, and it was a knife to Adam's heart.

Just after sunrise Adam bathed Sebastian, fed him, and packed a bag for him to spend the day at Geraldine's.

He was lost, he needed some semblance of normalcy. Work would give him that, he needed to work.

Geraldine was on pins and needles since Adam had called her just after sunrise, he was going in to work and he had asked her if she'd keep the baby. He made no mention of Kim and she didn't dare ask, when he wanted them to know what was going on; he'd tell them.

"Come in, come in." Geraldine held the door open for Adam who was struggling with Sebastian's car seat and diaper bag, "Let me help."

Adam let the bag slip off his shoulder into Geraldine's waiting hands, "I think I packed everything he will need. Kim..." he paused, "she usually packs his bag. You've got diapers? I forgot them on the kitchen table."

"I've got a few, but don't worry about it. I can run to the store if I need to. It will give me a chance to show him off" Geraldine smiled sweetly, "Is everything okay?" Adam had left so abruptly the previous night and things had been tense between him and Bob.

"Yeah." Adam lied, "There was some kind of emergency with Kim's family. She had to go out of town."

"Without the baby?"

"Yeah. He'd just be in the way. Things are kind of chaotic, I guess." Adam lifted him from the car seat, "He wasn't all that interested in his six am bottle, so he might be ready to eat earlier than what his schedule says. It's in the bag, his paci is in there as well." He kissed his son's head before handing him over, "I will call in a few hours to check on him. I'll be out of pocket most of the morning but you can call the desk sergeant on duty and they'll get a hold of me."

He felt sick to his stomach as he covered for Kim, he made up some shit excuse instead of telling the truth. He should've thrown her ass under the bus, told the world how she walked out on him but more importantly their son.

"Be good Sebby." He leaned over and kissed him once more, smiling when Sebastian grabbed a hold of his finger, his tiny little hand curling into a fist as he held on tightly to his finger. He didn't understand how Kim could walk out on their son. Walking out on him? That was rough but it wasn't the first time she'd walked away from him, walking away from their son? He would never understand that, he'd never walk away from Sebastian.

Geraldine followed him to the door, "Adam..honey..are you okay?"

Adam forced himself to smile, "Yeah. All good." He hugged her, "Thank you."

He was late. He knew that would go over like a lead balloon, he needed to clear his head before heading in to work so he drove around for a bit and completely lost track of time.

He took to the stairs three at a time and was winded when he finally made it to his desk, the team already huddled around the whiteboard discussing the particulars of their current case.

Voight glared at him, "Ruzek, so nice of you to join us."

Adam nodded his head, "Sorry Boss. Won't happen again." He didn't even bother coming up with an excuse, he knew Voight didn't give two shits as to why he was late.

"Atwater go over the case with Ruzek. Everyone else get to it." Voight dismissed the group.

Geraldine already had a laundry basket full of Sebastian's soiled clothes, he'd vomited more times than she could count and had already been bathed twice. In all of her experience with babies she had never come across an infant who vomited like Sebastian did.

Not only was he vomiting after every bottle but he was fussy and seemed to be in some discomfort.

He was miserable.

She didn't miss this part of caring for an infant, she felt helpless.

"Oh sweetheart I'm not sure what you need," she took to the rocking chair in the corner of their guest room, "maybe a nap will help" she was certain that she needed a nap just as badly as he did.

She was anxious for Bob to come home, she wasn't buying Adam's explanation of Kim's whereabouts.

It didn't sit right with her, she suspected there was more to the story, a lot more.

Kevin handed Adam the file, "Here's the last of it." They were searching the database of known nicknames of gangbangers, right now all they had to go was a nickname and a very generic physical description of a white male in his early twenties.

Adam took it from him without a word, he kept his head down and got to it. He was trying to keep his head on straight and not worry about Kim's whereabouts. It was a task that was near on impossible, he hadn't heard from her since she walked out. Her phone was off, he turned on the notifications for all of their bank accounts, he hadn't yet receive one.

Kim was smart though, she knew how to stay under the radar. She wouldn't use her credit cards, she didn't want to be found.

Adam quickly crossed two more names off the list.

"Ruzek, you with me? You're kinda quiet." Kevin perched himself on the corner of Adam's desk.

"I am, just trying to find our guy," he mumbled as he chewed on the cap of his pen, "We need something to go on."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Kevin, I'm sure." Adam closed file, "I need a change of scenery, my fucking eyes are crossing." He pushed up from his chair, "I'll be back in ten."

Kevin nodded, "I'll be here."

"What did he say?" Bob asked as he swayed from side to side with Sebastian in his arms.

"A family emergency." Gerri told him, "I don't think he slept a wink last night. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked weary. Sebastian is off as well, something happened. What went down yesterday, how Kim dropped Sebby off and never came back."

Bob hated this, "I think.." he paused, "No" He corrected himself, "I know I was right. Kim has postpartum depression, there's not a doubt in my mind, she's sick and she needs help."

"I think she left Adam." Geraldine sighed.

"Shit.." Bob sat down heavily, "This can't be happening."

"I'm afraid it is. We need to help them. We have to help our boys." She'd been fighting against her tears most of the day, "Adam and Sebastian need us."

He kicked at the curb in frustration, his call had gone directly to voicemail once again. He was furious, initially he had a glimmer of hope that she'd answer his call. He had lost that three voicemails messages ago "It's me. I need to know where you are. If you're safe. I'm not like you..I just can't turn my back on my family." He seethed, "Don't do this Kim. Come home." His voice cracked, "Please..." his rage was gone and he was near tears, "Just come home..."

He took a deep breath before calling to check on Sebastian.

"Hold on, Bobby. It's Adam." Geraldine showed him his cellphone.

Their conversation was short, Gerri didn't have the heart to mention how miserable Sebastian was, Adam had enough to worry about.

Adam slipped his phone back in his pocket before going back inside, he hoped that they'd call it a day soon, he was anxious to get home to his boy.

.

Typically he hated when they had another unit take over the case they'd been busting their asses on but this time Adam welcomed it.

Though he wasn't looking forward to seeing his father, not after the accusations he had made against Kim, turned out to be right on the mark. He wasn't quite ready to talk about it, he knew they'd have questions and he didn't have any answers, he was still trying to wrap his head around it. He never saw this coming, it was so far out of the left field and it had him questioning everything that he knew to be true. Kim was over the moon about becoming a mother, it just didn't make sense to him. How did he not know that something was wrong with her?

He made it clear that he wasn't interested in talking, he told them he was exhausted and just wanted to get his baby and go home.

He could see in their eyes that they knew he was blowing smoke up their asses and he appreciated the fact that they didn't push him on it. He wasn't sure how long they'd give him though, he knew it was just a matter of time before they confronted him about it.

Kevin grabbed a six pack and a couple of pizzas, he didn't like the vibe he got off Adam earlier. It had been a while since he had seen Kim and the baby, he decided to head over.

Adam hadn't been home more than thirty minutes when the doorbell rang, it was the last thing he fucking needed. He just wanted to take care of his boy and find an action movie to watch and shut the world out.

He was uneasy as he made his way to the door, he couldn't help but think of all the times he had made a death notification, he picked up his pace a bit. He had no idea where Kim was, if she was okay, hell he didn't even know if she was alive, there was a part of him that didn't give a shit either way. Kim was unrecognizable to him.

"Ah..Kev..." Adam exhaled, "What's up?"

Kevin shrugged, "I dunno..you tell me." He crossed the threshold had followed Adam into the living room, "It's been awhile since I had dinner with the Ruzeks so I decided to invite myself." He glanced around the room, it was a bit disheveled, "Where's Burgess and little homie?"

"She's out and he's in the nursery. He's sleeping." Adam provided a very vague reply, "You didn't need to bring dinner."

"Maybe not but I'm hungry." Kevin set pizza on the small coffee table opposite the couch, "When's Kim coming back?"

"Few days. She's got some family drama." Adam informed him, he grabbed a slice, "I didn't think I was hungry..." the aroma of the pizza reminded him that he hadn't eaten much if at all throughout the day. He managed to grab a bite or two of a breakfast sandwich but that was it, he felt sick to his stomach all day.

"So it's just you and little homie. Well, fuck I'm glad I stopped over. Little Homie is gonna need me if he's stuck with your sorry ass" he smirked.

Adam rolled his eyes and ignored the comment.

Kevin instantly picked up Adam's aggravation, "Yo, Adam. You know I'm just playing. Busting your balls. That's all."

Adam downed a mouthful of beer, "I do." He groaned when he heard Sebastian's cries over ring out over the monitor. "I'll be right back."

"Honey, please sit down." Bob pleaded with her, "You're making me dizzy." He still wasn't used to how she burned off her nervous energy. If she was worried or worked up over something she cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned.

It was a bit impressive to see how quickly she worked, she was unstoppable. She'd have the house cleaned from top to bottom and everywhere in between in just under a few hours.

Today it had him on edge.

Her behavior hinted at how serious all of this had become.

"I'm just so worried. Adam is a mess. He's trying to hide it, but he's hurting, I just hate it." Her voice cracked a bit, "He's such a good boy. He's our boy, Bobby. He's hurting. I can't help him." She loved Adam as if he was her own flesh and blood and she was devastated for him, she hated that he was hurting, and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was hurting.

Bob was head over heels in love with her already, but hearing how she spoke of his son? Well he fell even more in love with her.

"I hate it too." Bob scooted over so she could sit beside him, she burrowed into his side, "I love you so much, you've got no idea. I love how you love my son." He kissed the top of her head, "My boy had it rough growing up. I wasn't the father I should have been. The father he deserved."

Gerri tilted her head to look up at him, "I don't believe that."

He was ashamed of how he behaved back then, but he had to tell her. He needed to explain why he was so worried, "Believe it. I'm not proud of it. Back then things were different, you didn't talk about things."

"A different world." Geraldine agreed, "A lot of things have changed."

"Adam's mother was a troubled woman. She grew up poor, her parents struggled to make ends meet. She was the youngest of seven children, she was lost in the shuffle. She was searching for something..." he paused, he was lost in a landslide of memories. "She and I hit it off in high school, we were inseparable for a long time. She was two years younger then me and we kind of drifted apart for a bit. I graduated high school and went to college before getting into the academy. She did her thing, I did mine. We ran into each other just after I started on the job. It was intense and before I knew she was pregnant with Adam. We had a shotgun wedding and in the blink of an eye Adam was born."

Gerri was enthralled, Bob was captivating when he spoke. He always had a story to tell and he had the listener hanging on his every word; she was no different. She ran her fingers over his arm.

"Adam was a horrible baby, he had colic. He was fussy all the time. A real pleasure." He smirked a bit, "I was working the beat then, pounding the pavement twelve hours a day. I never turned OT down, never. I hated being home. I hated hearing Adam scream all day, it drove me nuts. Nothing you did calmed him, it was hell. Knowing your baby was upset but you couldn't fix it? It hurt" he placed his hand over his heart, "Here. It killed me. So I avoided him. Stayed at work or hit up the bar."

"Oh, Bob..,"

"She didn't get that escape. I know now she had postpartum depression but back then? It was the ' _baby blues',_ no one thought it was a big deal. A new mom was just a bit down in the dumps, but nothing to be concerned about, except it was. She never bonded with Adam, she didn't cuddle him. She wasn't proud of him, he was just something she needed to keep alive."

Geraldine was surprised when Bob's voice cracked and the tears welled in his eyes, "My Adam. My boy. He was this helpless little baby who needed someone to love him, someone to care for him had no one. His mother rejected him, and I hid from him. When he was about four years old she walked out, she told me she couldn't do it anymore. I was a shit father up until that day, I did the bare minimum but Adam? He still loved me, he worshipped me. He was desperate for attention, he just wanted to be loved...to feel loved." He choked back a sob, he took a minute and cleared his throat, "I knew I had to be better, Adam needed me to be better."

"You were honey, Adam loves you." Geraldine assured him, she wiped the tears from his cheeks.

"I tried, I promise I did. It just wasn't enough. His mother would flit in and out of his life and I let her. There's nothing worse than watching your eight year old son sit on the steps waiting for his mother to show up and take him for the weekend. She let him down more times than I'd like to admit. He would cry his eyes out, and then she would call and have some lame ass excuse as to why she never showed up, she'd show up the next time and Adam was in seventh heaven. His face would light up and his eyes would dance with joy and for awhile it'd be okay but she'd disappoint him again and again, only thing worse than that was that I allowed her to do it. Time and time again, I would let her do it. All because I was a selfish bastard who wanted a break from my kid. He was about thirteen years old when he finally had enough and stopped going to see her. She was pissed at me, she thought I had turned him against her."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I've made peace with it, and with Adam as well. I didn't do the right thing when Adam was a baby. I can't help but think if I had reached out to her then, that maybe it wouldn't have gotten so bad."

"Don't do that. Don't play the what if game, Bob. It won't change anything." She held his face in her hands, "Adam loves you, Bob. Don't ever doubt that."

"I know it won't, I can do something now though, I can make sure Kim gets the help she needs. I couldn't do that for Adam, but I can do that for Sebastian."

Sebastian was sleeping soundly on Adam's chest, Kevin had just left and Adam couldn't bring himself to get up. He was drained both physically and mentally, he had told one lie after another and he was pretty sure Kevin wasn't buying a single word of it. It was just like his father, both his Pops and Kevin were giving him some time, he appreciated it immensely. He wasn't ready to clue them in on how his marriage was falling apart nor how Kim felt about Sebastian.

The way she felt about him broke his heart.

He knew what it was like to grow up with a mother who didn't give two shits about you and he never wanted that for his kid.

Adam had no idea how things had gone so wrong for them.

Sebastian's arms jerked a bit as he slept, Adam tightened his hold on his son a bit. "It's okay buds, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. It's you and me kid. We will figure this out, I promise. Don't you worry little man."

.

Sebastian's screams pulled him from sleep, it had scared the shit out of him and he was at a loss as to what to do.

Adam tried to rock him, only for Sebastian to arch his back become stiff as a board. His screams grew louder and more intense, his face was a crimson red and tears streamed down his cheeks. He was crying so hard he was struggling to breathe, Adam felt his own heart accelerate.

He was absolutely terrified, Sebastian was inconsolable and nothing he did seem to help.

 **My apologies on taking forty forevers to update this story, it's been beyond difficult to write for numerous reasons. Just know that I intend to finish it and hopefully you'll stick with me. I have the next chapter nearly finished so keep an eye out for it in the next few days. Again, I'm sorry it's been so long!**


	9. Not Worth Saving

_**When the silence isn't quiet**_

 _ **And it feels like it's getting hard to breathe**_

 _ **And I know you feel like dying**_

 _ **But I promise we'll take the world to its feet**_

 _ **And move mountains**_

 _ **We'll take it to its feet**_

 _ **And move mountains**_

 _ **Rise Up by Andra Day**_

Tears poured from her eyes, as she stood beneath the shower, the water was no longer scalding her skin, it had shifted from hot to ice cold.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be, she was supposed to be living the best days of her life. She had it all, so why was she so unhappy? She had a great career, an amazing husband who loved and adored her, they shared a beautiful baby boy.

She knew so many would give everything up to have what she had, what she was so willing to give up.

It was a swirl of conflicting emotions and it was eating her alive.

She had woken up confused, and needed a minute or two to gain her bearings. She felt the all to familiar ache in her gut, and it brought on a fresh round of tears. She felt as if the walls were closing in on her, her skin was crawling.

She hadn't brought much with her, just a few outfits, her laptop, and a photo. She clutched the photo close to her chest, it was a few weeks after Sebastian was born, the bruises had faded for the most part and he was in Adam's arms, she stood behind Adam and was looking down at the baby. She adored that photo, the love she saw in Adam's eyes was indescribable, how she longed to feel that way.

No matter what she did for Sebastian it was never enough, he was constantly crying. Nothing settled him, he'd arch his back away from her, his limbs would flail wildly as she attempted to console him. He wanted to nurse all the time, he was never satisfied and he would suck with ferocity only to throw up whatever he had eaten within minutes of nursing. He'd then want more, it was exhausting.

Sebastian seemed to adore Adam, his tiny face would light up at the sound of Adam's voice. Sebastian never looked at her that way, he hated her.

It didn't help matters when Adam claimed she was ' _tense_ ' and that Sebastian could feel how frustrated and stressed out she was, that he picked up on her body language.

It just wasn't fair. She couldn't wrap her head around it, how could she feel so conflicted? How could her heart love and hate so very deeply? What had she done to deserve this, she just wanted to love her son and be the mother he deserved.

She had come to the realization that something was very wrong with her, how she was feeling wasn't normal, wanting to harm your infant wasn't normal. She had googled postpartum depression and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was suffering PPD. She had forced herself to close the laptop when she discovered postpartum psychosis, that had rocked her to her core.

She had fallen down a rabbit hole of horrific stories of women who had harmed their children because of it, she instantly knew she made the right move when she left Adam. It hurt beyond words but it would've been catastrophic if she had stayed and had given into her desire to harm the baby.

She knew she needed to tell someone of her whereabouts, but she wasn't sure who. She wasn't going to call Nicole, she knew Nicole wouldn't leave her alone. Nope, Nicole would show up at and demand she go home. She couldn't go home, not yet. Not when she was still feeling as she did.

Her mother wasn't an option either, she didn't have much of relationship with her, and she was the last person she'd reach out to.

Platt had briefly crossed her mind, but she would react the same way Nicole would.

Kevin wasn't an option, nor was Jay. They were both loyal to Adam and she didn't want to drop them both in the middle of the mess that was her life.

She had yet to activate the prepaid cell phone she had purchased when she stopped to get gas, she knew she needed to reach out someone, but it couldn't be from her phone. It was a burner phone, she had sunk to a new low.

She decided she'd send a text. A simple straight to the point text, she'd keep her whereabouts a secret.

They would need to be able to reach her if Adam was hurt in the line of duty. Yet something else she had nightmares over, and what left her feeling like shit was that when she dreamed of Adam being killed in the line of duty she wasn't sad that he was gone in her dreams, but rather angry at him for leaving her with the baby.

She was wife and mother of the fucking year.

Kim felt her stomach rumble a bit, she had noticed a small cafe across the street and she popped in for a muffin and coffee. She had found a small table in the back hidden away from most of the other customers. It was away from the hustle and bustle of the front counter, there's was one other table and it had been unoccupied when she sat down but within minutes a woman and her baby sat down.

It was a knife to her heart, the woman's baby appeared to be just a bit older than Sebastian, the baby had a head full of adorable blonde ringlets, she was dressed in a cute little dress covered in different colored dinosaurs, she was furiously chewing on a plastic giraffe. Kim couldn't take her eyes off the little girl.

"Hi" the woman smiled, "trying to hide?"

Kim shook her head, "No." what a fucking joke that was, it was exactly what she was tying to do. "It's pretty busy up front, I just wanted somewhere a little calmer."

"Oops" She smiled, "I guess Ruby and I have ruined that. My girl isn't all that quiet, she just recently found her voice. She's got a lot to say. Not that any of it makes sense. It's just the cutest thing." She was beaming with pride, "I'm Ashley."

"It's okay." Kim dismissed her with a wave of her hand, "I'm Kim. She's cute."

"I think so too" Ashley smiled, "Ruby is my heart. Do you have children?" She was always looking to meet other mom's none of her friends had children yet and she was certain they had grown tired of hearing about Ruby.

Kim felt her face grow hot, tears started to build in her eyes, she pulled the corner of her bottom lip into her mouth and bit down on it lightly. "No. I don't." She tucked her napkin inside her empty coffee cup and stood up, "I need to go."

Ashley was a bit puzzled, "Okay" She was perplexed by her sudden departure.

"I just need to go." Kim responded.

She had been anxiety riddled for months, she had grown accustomed to feeling anxious, it was the shame that had her running now. The shame had hit her just after she started fantasizing about hurting Sebastian. She knew so many women would give anything to have a baby, and she wanted nothing to do with him.

She was ashamed of how she felt about Adam, how the mere sight of him was enough to have her skin crawling. He had done this to her, he had impregnated her and she hated him for it. It was because of him she was feeling the way she did.

None of it made sense to her, she had wanted a baby more than anything, and she had thrown it all way.

She had lied about the existence of her beautiful baby boy.

Kim was still trying to catch her breath after seeing the woman and her daughter in the cafe, it had been hours since and she still was rattled. She envied that woman, that woman was everything she had wanted to be.

She felt as if the walls were closing in on her, the oxygen was being ripped from her lungs, her skin crawled.

She carefully typed out the text and reread it a dozen times before hitting the send button. It was a risk, she knew that the person receiving the text could defy her wishes. That they could do the exact opposite of what she asked, but it was a risk she was willing to take.

 _I am okay._

 _I am safe._

 _Please don't tell Adam_

 _I will call him soon, I'm just not ready_

 _Phone will be off most of the time._

 _Only contact me in case of an emergency._

 _I will check for messages every night._

 _I'm trusting you._

It was vague, but it was something. She was already planning what to do if Adam managed to get his hands on the phone number, she needed a contingency plan.

Kim pulled back the covers and climbed in bed, as soon as her head hit the pillow the dam holding her tears back broke and she sobbed uncontrollably.

She wasn't sure how much longer she could go on like this, she was feeling desolate and she felt as if there was no end in sight.

Kim knew she needed help, she just couldn't bring herself to reach out.

Sitting on the nightstand sat the phone number for a support group at a local hospital, she just couldn't do it.

She didn't know if she wanted to.

She didn't think she was worth it.

Kim had learned over the years that not everyone was worth saving, perhaps she was one of the ones who didn't deserve to be saved.

She wasn't worth saving.

Perhaps Adam and Sebastian were better off without her.

Every part of her body ached but her knee was the worst, an early release from work had opened up the door on an extra round of kickboxing. A choice she was regretting her knee was swollen and any attempt she made to walk would have it buckling.

She adjusted the ice pack, making it a bit tighter around her knee. She tilted her head backwards to rest on the back of the couch.

Haley groaned when her cellphone sprang to life, she grabbed it and was blown away by the message.


	10. Rock Bottom

_**So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light**_

' _ **Cause oh that gave me such a fright**_

 _ **But I will hold as long as you like**_

 _ **Just promise me we'll be alright**_

 _ **Ghosts That We Knew by Mumford and Sons**_

Adam dreaded what he was about to do it, in all of his years on the job he had never called out of work. He had always pushed through an illness or an injury, it was what was expected of the members of the intelligence unit, each member of the team played a vital role in solving each case. For Adam it was more than that, he was the lone member of the unit who hadn't paid his dues on patrol. He had been plucked from the academy and dropped in intelligence and because of that, he felt like he was held to a different standard.

He couldn't afford to take a 'sick day', he needed to show he belonged in intelligence, and one way to do that was busting his ass day in and day, regardless of how he felt.

This wasn't about him though, this was about his kid.

Sebastian had been struggling a bit since before Kim left, it had been all downhill since then. Adam wasn't sure if it was because Kim was gone or if he was actually sick. Adam was at a loss he had tried to check to see if he had a fever, he'd seen Kim do it before but he was scared shitless to use the rectal thermometer. He opted to feel his forehead but it didn't feel feverish to him.

He wasn't eating and he seemed to want to sleep all the time and if he wasn't sleeping he was agitated and fussier than he had ever been.

Adam hoped it would go straight to voicemail.

"Voight."

Adam sighed when heard the gravely voice, "Hey Boss. It's Ruzek."

Voight turned away from the computer, "What's up?"

"I need to take a personal day."

"We've got a case, Adam." Voight grumbled, "I can't be a man down."

"I know and I hate it, Boss. It's Sebby he's sick or something. I need to take him to the doctor." his voice was loft as he leaned on the railing of the crib, thankful that for now Sebastian was sleeping peacefully. He knew he needed to tell his boss everything but he just couldn't do it, at least it wasn't a complete lie, "Listen Kim's out of town, I'm sorry I really am but my baby comes first."

Voight sighed, "Adam. It's fine. Take the day, let me know how the kid is feeling. Let us know if you need anything."

"Will do. Thanks boss."

He carefully closed the door as he exited Sebastian's room, he grabbed the monitor from the living room and headed for the guest bathroom for a quick shower. He avoided the master bathroom and his bedroom like the plague, seeing Kim's hair products or her clothes made his stomach turn.

The drive to the hospital wasn't long but it was complicated and unfamiliar , Kim had gone over the map at least a dozen times. She had finally found the courage to attend a meeting, she knew Med had a support group but she couldn't go to Med.

They knew her at Med.

She wanted anonymity, this hospital would give her that. She was staying about three hours west of Chicago, and the hospital was another forty five minutes away. She had called ahead to make sure she had the right information and to confirm that there was in fact a meeting today. As soon as she had confirmation that a meeting was happening she felt her nerves settle just a bit, she didn't know what she would've done if there wasn't a meeting. She feared her courage would be fleeting, thankfully she didn't have to find out.

She was taking the first step in getting help.

He was frustrated, Sebastian's doctor didn't have an appointment available for a few days and Adam wasn't thrilled with waiting. They suggested an urgent care center or the emergency room.

The emergency room felt like overkill, it wasn't an emergency and Adam had no desire to sit for hours on end and surrounded by god knows what, the last thing he needed was Sebastian being exposed to something worse than what was currently going on with him.

So he was off to urgent care.

Kim found a spot towards the back of the room, she was relieved to have gotten there early, she was among the first to arrive. There were only two other women in the room, they were busy setting up a table of pastries and a coffee maker.

She pegged them as the facilitators of the group which had her a bit uneasy, she was a new face and feared they'd approach her. She wasn't quite ready for that, she had hoped to just pop in and listen.

She was desperate to know she wasn't alone. Her rational mind knew she wasn't alone, she'd read the statistics none of that mattered though, she had never felt so alone in her life.

Adam watched as the doctor examined Sebastian, "Is he okay?" Adam asked, he felt as if his heart had stopped, that it would only beat again when the doctor gave Sebastian the all clear.

The doctor ran her hand softly over Sebastian's head, "He's alright daddy, you can breathe." She smiled, "I think little man is just a bit under the weather, there are a few bugs going around at the moment, he's probably picked one up."

"Can you give him something?"

"It's viral. You can give him some infant Tylenol if you feel he's in some discomfort. Keep offering the bottle and he will eat when he's up to it. If you don't see an improvement in the next day or two bring him back and we will have another look. Right now I think it's something that just needs to run its course."

"Whew.." Adam finally exhaled, "Thank you. Thank you so much." He scooped him up off the examination table and held him close, "How long until he is feeling better?" He hated seeing him so miserable.

"These things usually last about forty eight hours or so, but he's a little guy so it could take him a bit longer to recover." She patted Adam's shoulder, "I know it's hard seeing your baby so uncomfortable, unfortunately it doesn't get any easier dad." She offered a smile and was out the door in the blink of an eye.

Kim kept her head down hoping those around her would stay away, she heard the rumblings of several conversations begin to build as more women entered the room. She was a bit surprised by how many women were in attendance, she was starting to wonder if there would be enough space. The women keep filing in, it was an assortment of women.

Women from all walks of life.

Before she knew it she had women sitting beside her, including one of the women who had been setting up when she first arrived, she offered a meek smile.

"Hello" Her voice was soft and comforting, "I saw you come in while we were preparing the room, you're a fist timer aren't you?"

"That obvious huh?" Kim shrugged.

"I know faces, your face is a new one." She reached over to pat her leg, "Welcome. I know this is probably the last place you want to be and I'm sure you never envisioned yourself needing such a group."

Kim laughed nervously, "Understatement of the century."

"We've all been where you are. Every woman in the room has, myself included. I would love for you to introduce yourself to the group but I know that's always the hardest part of all of this, aside from showing up. I'm so glad you're here. You're not alone, my name is Cheryl. I started this group about fifteen years ago, once I recovered from my own bout of postpartum. It's a great group of women."

"I'm Kim." She liked Cheryl already, "I'm not sure I'm ready to talk, I think I'd just like to listen for a bit. If that's okay."

"Of course. There's no pressure. You can just listen. No one will think different of you if you're not up to sharing yet. Just know this is a safe place, that you can feel whatever you're feeling, you can say whatever you need to say without judgment. No one in this room will judge you."

"Thank you." Kim choked back a sob, "you've got no idea how much that means to me." Her eyes glistened and she struggled to hold it together.

"You're welcome. I need to get things started but I just wanted to say hi first. Grab something to eat and relax, we've just got a few notes to go over and then we will get to it. I'm really glad you're here Kim."

"Me too." Kim couldn't bring herself to get something to eat, her stomach was already a mess the last thing it needed was sugary foods.

Bob handed bottle of water, "So my grandson is okay?" He had been relieved when Adam stopped by after Sebastian's visit with the doctor.

"Yeah. I guess. They said it's just a virus, it should clear out in few days" Adam explained as he picked at the label on the bottle.

"What about my son, is he okay?" Bob already knew the answer but he wanted to hear it right from the horse's mouth.

"I'm fine."

"Adam. Son, talk to me. What's going on?"

Adam looked skyward before answering, "A lot. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this, Pops. I don't even know what's going on. Not really."

Bob threw his arm around Adam, "Kim left didn't she?"

"She did." Adam's shoulders sagged, "I don't know where she is. I don't know if she's okay. She's not herself dad, I don't know her anymore."

Bob gripped his shoulder, "She needs help, Adam." He set his bottle of water on the railing, "I know I upset you when I mentioned your mother and I'm sorry for that but I can't help but think of her when I think of Kim."

"Pops..."

"Hear me out son. Your mother suffered from postpartum depression. I think Kim has it as well, you're right Kim isn't herself, she's lost. She needs help."

"I can't help her if she's not here. I'm pissed off. She walked out on our son, she left him. I begged her not to go, I was in tears begging her to stay and she just left..." he began to raise his voice

Bob sighed heavily, "She is hurting just like you."

"I don't give a shit if she's hurting, Pops. She left me, she left her son." Adam bit back, "I would never leave." He stood up and retreated back inside the house.

Kim had hung on every word as each women stood up and spoke of their battle with depression, they held nothing back.

It was brutal to listen to but it gave Kim something she had been lacking, it gave her hope. She could finally see the first hint of light at the end of a very long and very dark tunnel. She waited as the crowd dispersed, she watched as Cheryl embraced each and everyone of them as they walked out.

Her story had been remarkable.

Cheryl fought tooth and nail to find her way out of the fog of postpartum depression, she had turned to alcohol to numb the pain. Her husband had left her, taking their baby with him. That had been the final straw, that was Cheryl's rock bottom.

Kim approached her once the last woman had left, "This..." she paused searching for the words to appropriately describe what she was feeling, "It's hard to explain. I've felt so alone for so long, I was so ashamed by what I was feeling. I still am, but it's different."

"You're not alone anymore." Cheryl grabbed a business card from her purse, "You've taken the first step in getting help, it doesn't end here though. You need to speak with a doctor" she handed it to Kim, "This is my doctor. She's amazing, I always recommend her to new members."

"I'm from Chicago. I left my husband and son and just drove."

"Ah, rock bottom huh? How old is your little boy?"

"Almost three months. I've got a picture..would you like to see it?" It was the first time in Sebastian's young life that she was eager to show his picture to someone. She knew it was because of who Cheryl was and what she been through.

"Does a fat baby sweat? Of course I'd like to see it." Cheryl giggled a bit.

She dug around in her purse before pulling the photo out, "This is Sebastian."

"He's gorgeous. I love his name, it's different." Cheryl tapped her finger on the photo, "This your husband? He's handsome."

"That's Adam. He's wonderful." Kim grew misty eyed, "I dreamed of hurting Sebastian. That's why I left, I had to leave. Every night I dreamed of hurting him..killing him" it killed her to say it out loud but she knew she had to, if she had any hopes of getting better she needed to confront it head on.

No more running.

"Sebastian wouldn't stop crying, all he wanted to do was nurse. I just couldn't do it anymore, but he wouldn't take a bottle, so I had to nurse him. I hated it, I hated him. He would always end up vomiting afterwards, he would just started screaming, he wanted to nurse again, I couldn't do it. I held him under his arms..." she felt her hands begin to tremble as she looked back on that day, "I wanted to shake the life out of him, I nearly did it but I didn't, I put him down and I ran from the room. I knew I had to leave, I couldn't hurt my baby."

Cheryl grabbed her hand, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Postpartum is an ugly beast, it changes you in ways you've never thought possible. It makes you want to do things that you'd never do, the real you would never do. This disease it changes you."

"I don't want to kill my baby!" Kim yelled out before falling apart, "I am so sorry...I'm so sorry..." she sobbed uncontrollably, each sob more heartbreaking than the one before it.

Cheryl hugged her, "You're going to be okay. You're going to get the help you need, I will see to it." She rocked with Kim in her arms,"Let it out honey, let it out."

Upton was relieved to hear Adam had banged out for the day, she dreaded having to look him in the eye knowing what she knew, her text messages and voicemails to Kim had gone unanswered.

She decided she would do as Kim asked but she had given Kim a deadline, she would need to talk to Adam by the end of the week, if she didn't she'd go to Adam without what she knew. Needless to say Adam being out had settled her nerves.

"Stay for dinner." Geraldine told him, "I've got a roast in the oven, you know me I'm constantly over cooking. We will never eat it all, so stay."

Adam shrugged, "I don't know Sebastian isn't in the best of moods. I'm not all that hungry."

"Please, Adam. Just stay. I can cuddle with my best friend and you can keep your dad company. I know you haven't been eating much, just humor me okay?"

"Alright. I'll stay."

She clapped her hands together, "Good! It'll get better Adam, I know it will. This too shall pass..."

"Hope so." He had to admit he felt lighter, the conversation with his dad had helped. It lessened his burden just a bit.

Kim held the phone in her hands, willing herself to call him. To reach out to him but her fear kept her from doing so, instead she returned the phone to drawer, without turning it on. She pulled the covers down and climbed into bed, she was exhausted. It had been an emotional day, she had taken the first step in what was going to be a long and hard battle.

For the first time in weeks, she was hopeful.

"He's not interested, Adam" Geraldine placed the bottle on the table, "he keeps turning away from it." She had offered to feed Sebastian so Adam could eat, "The doctor said he was okay?"

"Yeah." Adam spoke through a mouthful of food, "She said he'd eat when he was hungry."

Geraldine wasn't so sure she agreed with the doctor, "Did you take him to his pediatrician?" Her mother's intuition was screaming at her that it was something bigger than just a virus.

"Urgent care. His doctor was slammed." Adam replied.

"You told her about the vomiting, yes?"

"I did. She said its normal for what's going around."

"You told her that is projectile? That it happens more than it should?" Gerri pressed him, "That he can vomit like that multiple times a day?"

Adam thought for a minute, "Yeah. I think so. She was in and out in less than ten minutes, it's all a bit of blur to be honest."

Geraldine nodded her head, "Okay. I just hate seeing him so miserable." She kissed Sebastian one last time before handing him over to his daddy.

"Me too." Adam replied, he wished his wife felt that way. "You sure you don't mind keeping him tomorrow, I really don't wanna take another day."

"Don't be silly Adam, of course I don't mind." Geraldine reassured him.

"Thank you."

Kim had finally slept through the night, she was still up before the sun but for the first time in weeks she slept for more than an hour or two, she felt refreshed in more ways than one and was excited to meet up with Cheryl, she had found her life preserver in the older woman.

Upton fired off another text, she had yet to hear back from Kim, she knew she couldn't avoid Adam forever, but the longer Kim remained silent the more she felt as if she needed to tell Adam.

She was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

"Thanks again." Adam dropped the diaper bag on the table, "I think I packed everything, it's been a crazy morning. I slept through my alarm, I didn't even change him yet, just snatched him out of the crib." He explained.

It had been a rough night, Adam just couldn't turn his mind off, it raced with thoughts of Kim and why she left them. Talking to his Pop and Gerri had brought him a bit of peace for a few hours yesterday, that had been shot to shit over night.

"Are you okay Adam?" Gerri asked.

"Yes, I'm fine." He hugged her, "Don't worry about me, I'm fine." He lied through his teeth. He wasn't fine, he furious and he was heartbroken at once.

"Really?"

Adam's shoulders slumped, "No, not really. Nothing I can do about it though, right? I don't know where she is, she won't return my calls. Nothing." He felt his anger begin to rise to the surface, pushing aside the sadness he had felt on the drive over.

Geraldine saw the tears in his eyes and she felt as if she was going to burst into tears at any moment, she hated that she had brought it up. It was the last thing he needed before going in to work, "I'm sorry. Kim loves you Adam, she's not thinking straight."

"No. She's not." Adam replied, "Why didn't she talk to me? Why didn't she come to me with this..why did she leave us?" His voice cracking as he spoke.

"Honey.." Geraldine wrapped her free arm around Adam and hugged him as best she could with Sebastian in her arms, "I don't know, I wish I did." She pulled back, "I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry I upset you."

"It's fine." Adam sighed.

"Maybe you should take another day. Perhaps that would be best."

Adam couldn't do that, he knew if he missed another day they'd start to ask questions, questions that he didn't have the answer to.

"I'll be fine, I will call in a little while to check on little man." Adam kissed her cheek and then Sebastian's.

"Be safe, sweetie." Geraldine watched him until he drove off.

Halstead dropped a coffee on the corner of Upton's desk, she had become his everyday partner and while it was a bit tense at first they'd found their groove and they worked well together. They could read each other pretty well and Jay didn't like the vibe she was giving off.

"You ok?"

"What?" Upton shook her head from side to side, "Sorry. I was daydreaming. I'm good." She pointed to the coffee, "thanks for that, I'm gonna need it."

"Daydreaming?"

"Yeah." Upton shrugged, "You ready to roll out?" She asked him, they were tasked with interviewing the owner of the

Jay followed her downstairs, "This daydream? Is it about that dude you're seeing?"

Haley rolled her eyes, "Possibly" She was quite content with allowing him to think her daydream was about a guy. She tossed him the keys, "You're driving."

Jay caught the keys, "Sweet!"

Kim and Cheryl had secured a corner booth, "That was delicious." Cheryl tossed her napkin on the table, "I'm glad you could meet me this morning." She had done a fair bit of research last night and secured a few numbers for her newfound friend.

"Me too." Kim pushed her plate aside, "When's the next meeting?"

"At the hospital? Not until next week, but I am hosting one tomorrow at a church just a few minutes from here." Cheryl was heavily involved in the cause and spearheaded multiple support groups and was equally active at the state level. She had given up her career years ago to put all she had into helping those who battled postpartum depression, it had become her passion. She had learned that talking to someone who had experienced postpartum depression themselves helped immensely, knowing someone had fought the same beast and come out the other side was a valuable asset for a woman who was struggling.

"Do you think I could tag along?" Kim asked.

"Of course. I'd love it." Cheryl smiled, "I hope you don't mind but I went ahead and reached out to a few of my contacts. I know you're based in Chicago and that my doctor is a bit of a drive for you, I found a few highly recommended doctors." She said the paper across the table, "They are wonderful, I know this one personally. She is a sweetheart." She had starred one of the names in red pen, "Kim, it's imperative that you see a doctor."

She nodded her head, "I know. I do." She glanced at her hands, "I spoke to my doctor when Sebastian was about six weeks old. I told him how I was feeling..." she paused, "he blew me off. Told me it was normal to feel that way. He said I needed to just push through it. That I had a healthy baby and that I should be happy."

It had been deflating to hear that, it embarrassed her and made her feel even worse.

"I'm sorry." Cheryl hated it when she heard stories like that, "it's unfortunate that happened. Sadly many doctors feel that way, it infuriates me to no end."

"I was embarrassed, so I tried to do as he said. I tried to be happy but I just couldn't do it." Kim explained, "I never brought it up again."

"That's over now. You can't look backwards. You're on the path to recovery now, and we need to focus on that. Once this is all said and done, you and I will have a chat with that doctor."

Kim smiled, "I like you. I like your style."

Cheryl laughed, "I've chewed out at least a half dozen doctors, it's seems it always the old guy who feels that way."

"Old school I guess."

"I suppose so, but its no excuse." Cheryl waved her hand around, "Well, moving on. I don't want to get all worked up, it won't change the past."

"Can I ask a personal question?"

"Of course." Cheryl replied, "I'm an open book ask away."

Kim took a deep breath, "Your husband. How did you get him to forgive you?"

Things had hit a wall and the unit was left to chase down leads from the bullpen, it had become a tedious task of checking paper trails and gathering account numbers and searching for deeds. There wasn't much to be done out in the field and they found themselves relegated to their desks.

Which made for a miserable time, none of them enjoyed desk duty they all preferred to be busting down doors and running after suspects.

Haley had laid low for the most part, she had been able to avoid Adam with relative ease. Though she didn't think avoiding him was really all that necessary, Adam had kept to himself. His usual jovial personality was nowhere to be found, he was quiet and focused on the task at hand.

She still kept her distance from him, he'd enter the break room she'd leave, if he was somewhere she needed to be she'd wait for him to leave. The last thing she wanted was to be alone with him, she wasn't sure she'd be able to keep her mouth shut. With each passing hour her frustration with Kim grew, she still had yet to receive a response to one of the dozen texts and voicemails she had left for her.

Adam was busting his ass to stay focused on the case in front of him, it was hard to not let his mind drift from the task at hand. Their case was pretty run of the mill as far as white collar crime went. They were dealing with embezzlement and money laundering, and right now it required them to try and follow the paper trail.

It was a lot of connecting the dots and following account numbers linked to off shore accounts, they'd found a few accounts but were struggling to find a definitive link between the account and their suspect.

Once that connection was found they'd be able to proceed.

Adam looked up from the file in his hands, the framed photo on his desk caught his eye. He stared at it briefly before placing it face down on his desk. He couldn't look at her, not now.

Unbeknownst to him, Atwater was watching his every move.

Kevin was growing increasingly concerned, he didn't like the vibes radiating off of his buddy, he had reached out to Kim to no was up, Kevin needed to find out what the hell was going on, and he knew who he needed to talk to.

Voight poked his head out into the bullpen, "Upton. I need you to follow up on an anonymous tip. Take Ruzek with you."

"What?" Upton had already headed for the stairs only to stop on a dime when Voight told her to pair up with Ruzek, "Ruzek?"

Hank nodded, "Yes."

Adam was already holstering his weapon.

She couldn't take him, she couldn't be in a car with him, "Boss...I can't." She stammered a bit, "I waiting on an important email."

"Good thing the department supplied you with that fancy ass phone, you know the one that can receive emails."

Voight's tone of voice had caught everyone's attention and Upton felt everyone's eyes on her, well everyone but Adam. He was oblivious to the mounting tension in the bullpen, he was halfway down the stairs when Upton found her voice.

She thanked her lucky stars that she was quick on her feet, "Sure. I'd get the email but the file I need to reference it against is on that desktop." She pointed to her desk, "Boss if I'm out in the field when the email comes in..."

Hank waved his hand around, "Forget it. Halstead you go with Ruzek. Upton you're on the desk." He was a bit miffed at her refusal to comply with his orders, "Get used to it. You're sitting for awhile." Voight didn't like her attitude and he wanted her to know it.

"Understood."

Adam was waiting in the lot, a bit confused as to why Upton hadn't shown up yet. He was growing impatient, he wasn't in the mood for this shit. Perhaps he should've banged out, it was too fucking late now.

"Ready to roll?" Halstead clapped him on the back.

"Where's Upton?" Ruzek asked.

"On the desk. She's waiting on an email. Can I drive?"

Adam tossed him the keys, "I don't give a fuck."

Jay watched Adam as he climbed in the passenger seat, his body language was all off. He was quiet and still, and very un-Adam like. He had picked up on Haley's mood when she learned she'd be partnered up with Adam, she quickly talked her way out of it. She may have been able to disguise her discomfort with Voight, but not him. He saw right through her excuse, she was avoiding Ruzek and had been doing so all day.

"Oh Kim..." Cheryl sighed, "that's a discussion for another day. It took a lot of work on my part but in the end we got there. Right now, you need to focus on yourself. Once you've got a handle on things then you can work on repairing your marriage."

"You did it though, right? I need to know that it's possible. That I haven't ruined everything."

Cheryl reached across the table and grabbed her hand, "You didn't ruin anything. Do you understand?l

"It feels like I did."

"No. Not you. Postpartum Depression did, not you." Cheryl insisted, "Once the fog clears, you will see."

Kim forced a smile, "I hope so."

Platt was over PTO requests, it seemed at least a half dozen crossed her desk on a daily basis. It had led to her having to pull officers from their usual shift and pencil them wherever the coverage was lacking, then she'd have to deal with someone whining because they didn't care for their shift.

If only they knew how close she was to putting a freeze on PTO, while doing such a thing was above her pay grade and it was unlikely to happen but that didn't mean she couldn't threaten them.

Kevin was hoping she would have some insight, Platt seemed to know everything.

"Hey Sarge..."

Platt smiled at him, "What's poppin' big homie?"

Kevin shook his head, his face contorted into look of confusion or disgust he wasn't quite sure how he felt, "Don't." He shuddered, "Don't say that, Sarge."

"What? I'm down with the lingo. I'm hip..."

Kevin nodded his head, "Sure." His response dripping with sarcasm, he didn't bother to respond to her comment, "Have you spoken to Kim lately?"

"I have not." Trudy moved out from behind the desk, "Why?" She glanced over her shoulder at him as she pulled the expired memos off the bulletin board.

"It's just been quiet on her end." Kevin knew Sebastian was keeping Kim busy, "Ruzek isn't right either."

"As if Ruzek was ever right, Atwater. They've got an infant keeping them busy." She crumpled the papers up and tossed them in the garbage can, "Are you jealous Atwater?"

"HaHa." Kevin grumbled, "Forget it."

Platt rolled her eyes, "I was just busting your balls. I'm sure everything is fine."

"I hope so."

Gerri had just lifted Sebastian from the bath, "You're so handsome." She cooed as she used the towel to dry him off, she noticed his eczema was flaring up a bit "let's lather you up, handsome" she tapped her finger against the tip of his nose, she worked the lotion into his skin, covering him from head to toe.

She hoped now that he had been bathed, he would be a bit more interested in his bottle. He had refused it the last two times she had offered it.

Halstead followed Upton into the locker room, he couldn't take it any longer. She was acting strange as hell and it set him on edge.

Once inside he turned and locked the door, "What the hell is going on, Haley?"

She glared at him, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. What the hell is going on? Any time Ruzek is around you clam up, you do all you can to avoid him. You bailed on that interview. You're ' _daydreaming_ '" he scoffed, "which is absolute bullshit, you don't daydream, when you're at work, you're all here. Not today though. What's up?"

Upton took a deep breath, "Nothing" she opened her locker, "It's nothing."

"Bullshit."

She looked him in the eye, "Just leave it alone, Jay."

Jay folded his arms across his chest, "Like all those times you left me alone? Come on Haley, you're my partner. You can talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

She slammed the locker shut, if he only knew how badly she wanted to tell him, "I can't."

"Are you in trouble?" Jay inched closer to her, "Come on..."

"Jay please." She tried to move past him, "Let me go."

Jay stood firm, "No. Not until you tell me what's going on." He told her. "We are partners. I need to know you're okay. I can't have you distracted, I need to know you've got my back. I've got yours, unconditionally. Just tell me what it is."

Upton massaged her temples, she knew he meant every word he said. He wasn't going to budge, she knew she had to tell him. "Kim left Ruzek."

Jay was floored, he was certain even the slightest gust of wind would knock him on his ass, "What?"

"She left him. She reached out to me. She's got a burner phone, Jay. She's gone off the grid. I'm only supposed to contact her in an emergency."

Jay sat down on the bench, "Why'd she leave? She didn't take the baby?"

"I've no fucking clue. She didn't give me the details, she asked me not to tell Adam."

Jay jumped up, "You need to tell him." He had his hands on his hips, his jaw locked. He couldn't believe she hadn't told Ruzek yet. Had he been the one Kim reached out to the first thing he would've have done was tell Ruzek.

"No!" She went toe to toe with him, "You can't tell him either. Promise me Jay. I will kick your ass if you tell him. Kim is trusting me. I can't break that trust."

"What the fuck?" Jay was flabbergasted, "So I'm supposed to look at Adam and not say a word? I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut? This isn't right Haley. This is messed up."

"Welcome to my world." Upton glared, "I will tell him. I've given Kim an ultimatum if she doesn't call him soon, I will tell him everything. Until then I need you to keep your mouth shut."

Geraldine woke with a start, she wasn't sure what had woken her up but her heart raced. She peeked in on Sebastian as he slept soundly in his swing. She ran her hand over the back of neck, passing out on the couch had put a serious kink in it.

She gasped when she realized the time, she and Sebastian both had slept for nearly three hours. She had a restless night, and she knew Sebastian hadn't had the best night either, she decided to let the baby sleep as she straightened up a bit.

As time crept on and Sebastian continued to sleep her concern started to mount, it was nearly time for his next bottle. She grabbed a fresh diaper and gathered the supplies needed to change him. Kim was very particular about Sebastian's diapering routine, she was adamant that he be changed frequently and that diaper cream was applied with each diaper change. She would do all she could to keep diaper rashes at bay.

In hindsight it was obvious what was going on, Kim was desperate to gain control of something, she had no control over anything else in her life she'd do her damndest to control the little things.

"Come on little man, you've slept long enough" Gerri spoke to him as she undressed him, "Sebastian honey...let me see those beautiful eyes of yours." She unfastened his diaper and was shocked to find it dry as a bone once again.

"Sebastian...sweetie, wake up." she had gone to change him three times since Adam had left and only once he had urinated and it wasn't much at all, had his diaper not had that silly line on the front of it that changed colors when it was wet she wouldn't have known.

His eyes fluttered open, "Ah, yes." She breathed a sigh of relief, "That's GG's Boy." She cradled him in her arms as she went to retrieve his bottle, "Let's try this again buddy, I need you to eat."

When she brought the bottle to his mouth he refused it, turning away from it. His eyes were closed again, though she could see the whites of his eyes as his lids parted a bit. He wasn't right, her relief had been short lived.

She had enough, something was seriously wrong with Sebastian.

Geraldine quickly packed the diaper bag, "We need to get you checked out." She talked to try and keep herself from panicking, she needed to get him to the hospital.

She'd call Adam once she had made it to the hospital.


	11. We Breathe Son

_**A word in your ear, from father to son**_

 _ **Hear the word that I say**_

 _ **I fought with you, fought on your side**_

 _ **Long before you were born**_

 _ **Father To Son by Phil Collins**_

Sebastian barely flinched as the nurse started the IV, Gerri watched as the bag of fluids was hung beside his crib, "That'll help him?"

The nurse nodded her head, "It will. He's pretty dehydrated so yes, this will help. We need to get him hydrated so we can figure out what's going on with him."

"The urgent care center said it was a virus."

"Could be. It's too early to tell. Try and relax, your grandson is in good hands." The nurse cleaned her work space up, "we will have answers soon."

Geraldine smiled politely at the nurse as she left the room, leaving Gerri alone with Sebastian, she pulled the chair closer to him, slipping her hand in between the bars of the crib, "Oh sweet boy..." she stroked his arm.

She knew just how serious this was when they started working on Sebastian without Adam having arrived to give consent.

Kim was nervous, but she needed to do this. Going to the support group meeting had helped immensely but it was akin to putting a band aid on a bullet hole, it had helped some but it was temporary.

She needed to see a doctor.

Cheryl had somehow managed to get her in with one of the doctors that served on the board of her foundation.

She had flipped through a handful of magazines while she waited to be called back she was filled with nervous energy and she found it hard to sit still. The last few days had been a whirlwind, she had found a beacon of light in what had become a very dark time for her, she could finally feel the fog begin to lift.

She was missing Adam and Sebastian, she even dreamt of them the previous night, it had been perfect, they were together and they were happy.

She had wanted to hold on to that as tightly as she could, it motivated her to get the help she needed. Once she was in a good head space she could work on getting her family back.

Kim nearly jumped out of her skin when the receptionist called her name.

There was no turning back now.

Adam sat down heavily, his body ached from his fall. What had been a relatively quiet morning had morphed into an insane afternoon, one filled with foot pursuits and car chases. Once again he had drawn the short straw and had been tasked with following their suspect on foot. He had proven time and time again that he was the fastest runner and he had been the one to grab their guy.

He had chased him into a long ago abandoned building, they had gone up a flight of stairs and into a loft of some sort, only for the floor to drop out from beneath them. Thankfully they weren't that high up and both escaped serious injury. Adam enjoyed slapping the bracelets on the piece of shit, and he may have used a bit more force than what was required but he didn't give two shits.

He had a lot of pent up anger to release and their suspect was the unfortunate recipient. Once the adrenaline wore off he started to feel the results of his fall. He had landed on his right shoulder and it hurt like hell.

"Yo! Ruzek!" Atwater called out, "Here." He tossed him an ice pack, "you good?"

Adam winced a bit as he moved his arm, "Yeah. It's fine." He pulled his phone from the desk drawer, he had been out of pocket all morning and had yet to check in on Sebastian.

As if on cue his phone rang, "Ruzek"

Bob had excused himself to make the phone call and was now on his way back to Geraldine and Sebastian.

He stood in the doorway a minute and listened as Gerri sang a soft lullaby to Sebastian she had slipped her hand between the bars of his crib and had a hold of his hand in hers. Bob hated the sight of his grandson in the crib, an IV in his arm and nasal prongs in his nose, he had leads placed on his chest to monitor his heart. Seeing Sebastian looking so frail and tiny was a like getting kicked in the gut.

He stood behind Gerri and placed his hands on her shoulders, "Adam is on his way."

"Good" Geraldine leaned back against Bob, "I'm scared."

"Me too." Bob kissed the top of her head, "Our boy is in good hands here, this is a great hospital. They'll him feeling better in no time."

Kim wiped her eyes for what felt like the millionth time, she had recounted every moment of her pregnancy, labor and delivery and bringing Sebastian home. She explained how disconnected she felt, the way Adam made her skin crawl and how she wanted nothing to do with Sebastian.

Once she had started talking she couldn't stop, everything she had felt over the last few months came tumbling from her mouth.

It had been cathartic, and it had been long overdue.

She left the appointment feeling hopeful, she had the beginnings of a treatment plan in place and already had an appointment with a doctor closer to home.

Home.

She was headed home soon.

She was meeting up with Cheryl before they headed for next support group meeting, Kim wanted to take advantage of every resource that was available to her. She wouldn't miss an opportunity that presented itself, including going to multiple support group meetings.

The meetings were just one piece of the puzzle, she couldn't rely solely on the meetings. Today was an important step in her recovery, speaking with a therapist was the most important piece.

Pulling the skeletons from her closet had been difficult but she felt as if some of the weight she had been carrying on her shoulders slip off.

There still was a lot of work still to be done, but she knew beyond a shadow of doubt that she'd get it done.

Adam's heart was in his throat, he felt like he'd never get to the hospital. No one was moving fast enough, despite going lights and sirens people weren't getting the fuck out of his way. Kevin had insisted that he went with him, he also made it clear he'd be driving. Adam didn't have it in him to argue with him, he didn't want to waste even a second over it.

Adam had jumped out of the car before it had even come to a complete stop and raced inside, he was waving his badge around at any hospital official who tried to slow him down.

He was at his son's side in mere minutes, "Oh, my man..." he pushed the side of the crib down and bent down to kiss Sebastian, he felt his eyes fill with tears when he looked at his boy. He'd rather get kicked in the nuts than see his boy like this.

"What'd they say?" Adam asked, he briefly glanced over his shoulder to look at Geraldine and his dad, "What happened? He was fine this morning.."

"He went downhill fast, Adam." Gerri wrapped her arms around herself, "He was lethargic, I couldn't rouse him. He wouldn't take a bottle, I was scared. He just couldn't stay awake..." her hands were still shaky.

Bob spoke up, "They don't know much yet. Right now they're pumping him full of fluids, he's severely dehydrated, they want to handle that first. They're hoping once he's had some fluids and rest he will start to improve. They're going to do blood-work as well" he pointed to the IV in his grandson's tiny arm, "they have already taken his blood, they're just waiting on the results."

"Okay." Adam nodded his head, "What's after that? What do we do?"

"We breathe, Son." Bob could see Adam spinning out, his usually steady voice quivered as he spoke, he could see the tears in Adam's eyes. This was the hardest thing Bob had ever been through and it had only just begun, seeing Sebastian sick was horrific, seeing Adam so distraught and scared was almost as bad.

Adam searched for a chair and pulled it beside the crib, "Sebby baby, you're scaring your old man. This is not cool, Son. Not cool at all." He was struggling to catch his breath.

Geraldine nudged Bob with her elbow and jerked her head towards Adam, she nodded gently when she and Bob made eye contact.

"Adam, I know things are strained between you and Kim but I think Kim needs to be called. She needs to know Sebastian is sick."

Adam shook his head, "No."

"Honey..." Gerri touched his back, "She's his mother."

Adam jumped up, "I don't get give a shit."

"Adam!" Bob retorted, "Like it or not Kim is the mother of your child, she needs to know. God forbid there are tough decisions to make, she needs to help make them. You need to call her. You need her here with you, so does Sebastian."

Adam clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, "No I don't. Even if I wanted to let her know I couldn't, I have no fucking clue where she is."

"That's a shit excuse, Adam. You're a police officer. You can find her." Bob pointed out.

"Kim would want to know. You've got to find her, Adam." Gerri wholeheartedly agreed with Bob, "I think you need her just as much as Sebastian needs her."

In the week since Kim had left he hadn't told a single soul of the real reason why Kim had walked out on them. He had protected her even as she broke his heart but he was done protecting her, it was time to protect Sebastian.

He returned to his son's side, slipped his arm inside his crib and gently stroked his cheek, "When Kim left that night she told me something. Something so horrific that I've kept it to myself, but it's time you know."

"Adam, none of that matters..." Bob wasn't budging on the issue, Kim needed to be here.

"Yes it does." Adam turned to face his father, "She left because she dreamed of killing my baby" his voice cracked, "Your grandson. Kim wanted to kill Sebastian, so no she doesn't need to be here."

Adam's words made a chill run down Geraldine's spine.


	12. Living The DreamLiving In A Nightmare

_**Now they'd come so far and they'd waited so long**_

 _ **Just to end up caught in a dream where everything goes wrong**_

 _ **Where the dark of night holds back the light of the day**_

 _ **And you've gotta stand and fight for the price you pay**_

 _ **The Price You Pay by Bruce Springsteen**_

Kevin balanced the pizza box in his free hand as he pushed the door open, he sucked his teeth lightly when he spotted Adam out cold in the recliner beside Sebastian's crib. He moved stealthily to place the pizza on the small table in the corner of the room. He scribbled a quick note on the whiteboard and turned to leave.

As the palm of his hand hovered over the door, he heard a squawk and a soft gurgle, he glanced over his shoulder at Adam who didn't even flinch at the sound of his son waking up.

Kevin beat feet to the crib, "Hey little homie..." he placed his hand lightly on Sebastian's chest, "you doing okay?" He couldn't help but smile as Sebastian's arms flailed a bit, and he pulled his legs towards his chest.

Carefully Kevin lifted him from the crib, ever mindful of the IV and other monitors attached to him, "Your Pops is sleeping, keep it down." He kissed his head softly, Sebastian looked and felt ridiculously tiny in his arms. This kid had such a hold on him, he had loved him from the minute he was born, the son of his best friends.

Sebastian's eyelids were heavy and the little guy snuggled even deeper into Kevin's arms and was asleep again in the blink of an eye. Kevin felt a bit overwhelmed by it all, seeing the little guy in such a state wasn't easy, seeing Adam struggling to hold it together was hard as well, but not seeing Kim?

That was fucking baffling.

Whatever was going on between her and Adam was insignificant at the moment and he couldn't wrap his head around Kim's absence.

"I don't know what's going on buddy, why your mom isn't here. It doesn't make sense, she loves you. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. She loves you so much." Kevin whispered, "you're going to be okay. The doctors are going to figure out what's wrong and they'll fix you up in no time. You'll see buddy."

Adam rubbed his eyes, "Kev?"

"Oh...hey, man. I didn't mean to wake you. I stopped by with some grub and little man woke up. I figured you needed to sleep. I hope that's okay?"

Adam stood up, "Of course. Can I have him?"

"He went right back to sleep. Is he going to be okay?"

Adam cradled his son in his arms, subconsciously swaying from side to side, "The doctors are optimistic, we will know more after his scans tomorrow. Blood work came back clean, right now the plan is to keep him hydrated and hope we get answers soon. Not sure what'll happen if the scans don't show us anything.." he paused, "It sucks Kev. Not knowing what's wrong or what he needs. I feel so fucking helpless."

Kevin jerked his head in the direction of the table, "Let me get you a slice. I thought you might want something other than hospital cafeteria food, and I use the term food loosely."

"Thanks." Adam hadn't had much to eat, "I don't think I've eaten since I got here. I don't really want to leave him alone."

"I can understand that." Kevin replied, he watched as Adam returned the baby to the crib, "Where's Kim? I thought she'd be here."

Adam groaned inwardly, he was over people asking about Kim. His father had been relentless and he knew Kevin wouldn't be much better about it. He hated that he told his father what Kim had confessed to, he knew she'd hate it. He was in a weird place emotionally he wanted to hate her, he was angry and scared, but despite the overwhelming desire to hate her, he just couldn't do it.

He certainly was angry with her, why hadn't she come to him?

For all the questions he had for her, he had a few for himself.

How the fuck did he not notice that she was struggling? Why did he let her go? Why didn't he make her stay, make her talk to him.

"Don't you start.." Adam turned his back on Kevin, deciding to focus on his sleeping son it was a desperate attempt to keep it together, and he wasn't sure how much more he could take.

"This is weird as hell, man. Kim should be here."

"Her family needed her."

"You're her family. You and Sebastian." Kevin replied, "This is where she should be."

"You don't think I know that?" Adam snapped. He could feel a headache coming on, he was a fucking mess. He was caught in this internal battle of loving and hating Kim, he had no idea it was possible to love someone with your entire being and yet hate them just as much.

"Call her." Kevin grabbed Adam's cellphone off the window sill, "Just call her. She'll come home."

"It's not that simple."

Kevin leaned back in his chair, "Fuck Ruzek. You're frustrating. Something has been up with you all week. What the hell is going on, tell me why Kim isn't here."

Adam rested his elbows on his knees, he buried his face in his hands, "Kevin..." his response was muffled by his hands.

Kevin reached across and grabbed ahold of Adam's shoulder, "Talk to me brother. I'm here for you."

He knew he needed to spill his guts, but he felt as if he was betraying Kim by doing so, it was bad enough he had told his father and Gerri about what Kim had said, she'd be mortified to learn that Bob and Gerri knew how she felt.

"Kim's sick."

"Okay." Kevin nodded his head, now they were getting somewhere, "What's wrong? Flu or some shit?" It made sense now, "He contagious or something?" He thumbed over his shoulder towards Sebastian, "Did Kim catch what he has?"

"No. It's not that kinda sick" how he wished it was, "she's sick..here." He tapped his finger against his head, "I wish she was sick like Sebby, that'd be a helluva lot easier to handle. What she's dealing with? Not so much." His wedding ring caught his eye, and he began to twist it, "I don't know what she needs. I love her so much, but I hate her at the same time" he laughed nervously, "We were the living the dream..." he paused, "well, I was living the dream. Kim was living a nightmare. We've got this beautiful baby boy, he's perfect Kev. He is everything I didn't know I needed."

It was the god's honest truth, Adam adored his son, he loved every aspect of being a dad. He loved when he got to feed him, he loved bath time, he loved it all. He hated when he worked 18 hour days, he couldn't wait to get home after a long day's work and get his hands on his son.

"I missed all the red flags, man." Adam admitted, "I was so far up my own ass that I had no idea what was going on with Kim. I was so enamored with Sebastian, that I failed to see that Kim was struggling."

"Have you guys been fighting?" Kevin asked him.

"Yeah..I guess..."Adam shrugged, "I'm not really sure you could call it fighting though. Sebastian hasn't been the easiest baby, between the reflux, all the puking, and him not sleeping, Kim was pretty tired. I wasn't home a lot, she was left to do it all. She was frustrated with him, she said he always cried with her, she went on and on about it, that he never cried when I was around. I made the mistake one night of saying he felt her frustration and that it upset him, she wasn't pleased. She called be the baby whisperer..correction the _fucking_ baby whisperer. I swear to you that I didn't mean to upset her. I swear to you Kevin, I didn't mean it like that."

"I believe you." Kevin assured him "This is crazy. Sebastian loves Kim."

"I know that. Kim doesn't, she thinks he hates her." Adam sighed, "she'd kill me if she knew I told you this, please don't repeat it. Only my pops and his girlfriend know."

"That goes without saying Adam. You and Kim are family."

"Just before she left she started fantasizing about hurting Sebastian," the tiny hairs on his arms stood up as he spoke, "killing him. One morning he was inconsolable, nothing she did could get him to calm down. She was frustrated, exhausted she was done, she picked him up and nearly shook him. That was when she decided she needed to leave. A few days later she walked out the front door and never looked back. I've called her a dozen times but her phone is off. She hasn't used her credit cards, nothing. It's like she fell off the face of the earth."

Kevin was in such a state of shock that you could've knocked him over with a feather, "I don't know what say..."

"Me either. I feel like the biggest prick in the world. I don't know what I did wrong, why she didn't come to me. Kev, I hate her with all I have for leaving us, but I love her just as much. I can't do this without her, but I gotta protect my kid..you know?"

"She wouldn't hurt Sebastian. No way. Impossible." He had known Kim for a long time, even longer than she had known Adam. She had a heart of gold and was without question one of the best people he had ever met.

"I don't know." Adam countered, "We see it all the time. People are always talking about how you'd never suspect it, that it's a complete surprise to hear. I can't risk it Kevin. I won't put Sebastian's life in danger."

"Don't you think that's a bit much?" Kevin questioned him.

"No." Adam retorted, "I don't. I hate it, you've got no idea how much I fucking hate this, I need to do it though. I need to keep Sebastian safe, it breaks my heart to do so. Never did I imagine this would happen to us. Kim was so excited to be a mom, she loved Sebastian from the start, she wanted this more than anything. She did everything she was supposed to do and then some. For this to happen to her..." his voice cracked and his vision grew blurry, he was about to lose it and he didn't care, he hated all of this. He hated that his son was sick, that his wife was sick, he hated that there wasn't a damn thing he could do for either one of them, "I love her with all of my heart and I can't help her. I can't get her to come home, I can't do this..."

Kevin felt awful, "C'mon man. Please don't cry" He was struggling to keep it together himself, "I can't imagine how hard this is for you. I'm here man. Whatever you need I'm here. I got you. You need to do what you think is right for Sebastian, I get it."

Adam ran his hands over his face, "Thanks man." He took a few deep breaths, "I failed her. I'm her husband..how did I not know she was feeling like this? Fuck..my pops did and I flipped out on him. I told him he was wrong."

"I don't know." Kevin shrugged, "Your Pops knew?"

Adam grabbed a slice of pizza, clearly pouring one's heart out made you ravenous, "I guess my mother had postpartum depression among other issues. Pops noticed some red flags, his girlfriend did as well. They mentioned it to me and I shut them down pretty quick. Wasn't long after that night that it all came to a head and Kim left."

Kevin sighed, "I'm sorry..."

"Yeah. Me too."

Kim kicked her shoes off and massaged her feet, she'd been on them all day and they ached. It had been an emotionally taxing day and as cathartic as it had been she was glad it was over. She stood before a roomful of strangers and introduced herself, she held back the guts of her story, she wasn't quite ready for that. Telling the therapist was hard, she couldn't imagine telling a room full of women what she had been feeling. She knew they were all fighting the same beast and she knew no one would judge her it was more that she had hit a a bit of a wall and just needed to breathe for a bit.

She knew at some point she needed to tell them her entire story, she needed to face it head on. As terrified as she was she knew she would do just that, she'd fight tooth and nail to get her life back.

Kim grabbed the cell phone from the nightstand and turned it on. She hadn't checked it since she had reached out to Upton, she kept an eye on the news coming out of Chicago and she knew things had been calm in the week or since she had left. It felt a helluva lot longer than that, it seemed like a lifetime ago. So much had changed for her, she had put her self on the path to recovery and for that she was thankful, and exhausted. It had been mentally and emotionally exhausted, speaking to the therapist had been hard.

Knowing Haley as she did, she was confident she wouldn't tell Adam anything but it didn't mean she wouldn't blow up her phone and she just wasn't ready to deal with what all that entailed. Kim was sure there'd be more than a few texts and possibly a voicemail or two, it had been a few days since she had sent off that text and she'd put it off long enough.

As the phone sprung to life, she was inundated with alerts.

 _Hey...call me._

 _Please, just let me know you're okay._

 _A simple text will work._

 _What the hell Kim?_

 _Kim..come on._

None of those really surprised her they had been sent over the course of a few days. As she scrolled through them they continued to come in at an alarming rate. She paid attention to the date and time stamp, she had received eight messages over the course of two hours. The last message made her blood run cold.

 _I hate leaving this in a text but I've called numerous times and it was sent straight to voicemail, Sebastian is sick. Really sick.. He's been admitted to Med, you need to get here. NOW. I mean it Kim, you need to come home._

Her hands shook, her eyes instantly filled with tears. Her heart dropped into her stomach and she felt as if the room was spinning.

She struggled to get her wits about her, she stumbled a bit as she tried to slip her feet back into her shoes.

As soon as the adrenaline kicked in she was out the door in a flash.

Geraldine set the plate of food in front of Bob, "Eat." She ordered him, "I know once we get to the hospital you want eat. I'm not hungry either but we need to eat." She sat opposite a plate of eggs and bacon in front of her.

"The real stuff?" Bob picked up a strip of bacon, "Not that nasty turkey bacon you make me eat." He teased, the laugh was obviously forced and a clear attempt at trying to bring some levity to a very stressful time.

"Just eat..." Gerri rolled her eyes at his comment, she began to push the eggs around on her plate, Adam's words had stuck with her, "What Adam said yesterday. You don't think she'd do it, do you?"

"No. Absolutely not." Bob was confident in his reply. "Never. Kim wouldn't hurt Sebastian. She is suffering from postpartum depression there's no doubt in my mind about that and yes, it's a bit worse than I had initially thought but not for a second do I think Kim would hurt that baby."

"It happens though. People always say that they never saw it coming, that the mother was a good person..." she didn't want to believe that Kim could hurt the baby but she didn't want to bury her head in the sand either.

"Yes it does happen. I've seen it in my years on the job. The thing is those people? They just do it. They don't dream about doing it, they do it. Kim isn't like them. Kim left. She left to protect her son, that's why I know she'd never do it."

"I hope you're right. We need to get her home, Bobby. We need to get her home and get her help." She was near tears once again, she spent so much of the night in tears. She hated seeing Sebastian sick, none of the doctors could give them a definite answer, it was taking a toll on everyone.

Bob and Adam had gotten into it over Kim and wether or not she deserved to know about Sebastian, though it was a moot point since no one knew how to get a hold of her.

Bob reached across the table to grab her hand, "She's gonna come home, honey. Kim will come home."

The drive was agonizing, she had no idea what was wrong and her imagination had run wild, when she finally pulled into the hospital's parking lot she lost it. The tears she had managed to keep at bay finally broke free and her vision became cloudy. She didn't even bother looking for a parking space choosing instead to park in the fire zone.

As she charged through the doors she found Geraldine and Bob huddled together in the corner, "Bob...Gerri..." Kim called out.

Their heads snapped up in unison, "Kim!" Bob raced towards her and grabbed her hands, "You're here.."

"Where's my baby?" Kim asked, "what's wrong?"

Gerri blotted her eyes with a crumpled tissue, "We don't know. They're still trying to figure it out, we know he was severely dehydrated when I brought him in. They think he had a virus, he just kept getting worse." She explained, "Adam has been with him every step of the way. It's been a rough few days"

Kim nodded her head, "Okay. I need to go. I need to see Sebastian, I need my baby." Her voice cracked and she was powerless to stop the sob that tore through her throat, her knees buckled, she stumbled forward causing Bob to race to catch her before she hit the floor.

"Oh honey..." Bob wrapped her in his arms, his heart breaking for her. "It's okay..." he could feel her body convulse as she sobbed.

Adam hated this, he was fucking helpless. He could do nothing to help his boy, his sweet little boy who wasn't even six months old yet was seemingly in the struggle of his life. The doctors were at a loss as to what was wrong with him, they had called in one of the top pediatricians employed by the hospital and he had yet to arrive but he had already ordered a few diagnostic tests.

"I can stay with him, right?" Adam asked, as the nurse adjusted the IV bag on the pole. He ran his hand over the back of his neck desperate to work out the kink in, attempting to sleep in the recliner had been fruitless and left him with a stiff neck. He had dozed off a few times only to be woken when the nurses would check on Sebastian. They were in and out of the room all night and they weren't quiet about it at all, Adam was running on fumes and his patience was waning. He needed answers as to why Sebastian wasn't getting any better and no one had them, they kept telling him what he didn't have and what they had ruled out but none of that brought him comfort. It was fucking frustrating and he was doing his damndest not lose his temper over it.

"For the ultrasound? Yes. The CT scan, no. I'm sorry." She saw Adam's shoulders slump, "I promise we will take good care of him."

"Can I stay with him for as long as possible? Please." He begged. He was feeling pretty shitty himself at the moment, he had missed some serious red flags regarding Sebastian's health. It never clicked with him that his son's health was in a rapid decline. That he didn't know something was wrong with his son. He didn't know that Sebastian should have been urinating more than he was, he didn't realize that Sebastian suddenly sleeping for hours on end was a red flag. There was so much he didn't know about having a kid, and it was terrifying.

"You can walk with us but once we hit radiology you won't be allowed any further. You can wait in the radiology waiting room or you can come back here, maybe get some sleep. Wherever you are we will find you as soon as Sebastian's in recovery." She explained, she sympathized with him, she couldn't imagine handing her infant off for such a procedure.

"Okay." Adam nodded his head, "that's better than nothing I suppose." He wasn't thrilled with the idea of Sebastian being sedated for the procedure but they needed clear pictures of what was going on and if he moved in the slightest it could blur the image. They needed clear pictures of Sebastian's anatomy, they needed to know what they were dealing with, he needed this to be over.

He needed Sebastian to be alright.

Adam watched as the nurse wheeled Sebastian's crib down the long corridor, he had been surprised when he felt the first tear roll down his cheek. He had never felt such pain before, he felt like he had handed over his heart.

Geraldine looked on as Bob comforted Kim, she was so overcome with emotion that she could barely breathe, he held her as she cried.

Gerri finally spoke up, "Kim, I know you want to see Sebastian but I think we need to talk first." She had grabbed the box of tissues of the table and handed them to her, "It's important."

Kim grabbed a tissue, "I'm sorry." She worked it over in her hands, "I love my son, I love him more than life itself, I want you to know that. You have to believe me." She was begging them to believe her, she needed them to believe her.

"We do" Gerri reassured her, "I'm the one who brought Sebastian in, he's been battling a virus for a few days now. Adam had taken him to urgent care and they weren't concerned. They said it hit him hard because he's so young and such a little guy." Gerri grabbed a fresh tissue for herself, "Instead of getting better, he was getting worse. Lethargic, he wouldn't eat. He wasn't urinating as he should and on the off chance he did pee, it was rancid and discolored and it was just a tiny bit. He could barely keep his eyes open, he was just off" she explained, "When I couldn't get him to wake up..." she paused, "well I knew it wasn't a virus."

"Oh my god..." Kim had a death grip on the arm of chair, a grip so tight her knuckles were white, "What's wrong?"

Bob took over, "They don't know. They've been monitoring him closely and they've called in specialists. They've got the best doctors working on him. He's in good hands, the best hands actually." He'd heard a lot the last eighteen hours but it brought him no comfort, it was scary as hell not knowing what was causing Sebastian to be so unwell.

Kim stood up, "I need to see him. I need to get to my baby."

"Soon." Bob told her, he didn't know how to tell her that Adam didn't want her to know Sebastian was sick, he wasn't going to be happy that she had shown up, "Adam sent some pictures to us last night." He pulled one of the photos up on his phone, it was just one of many pictures Adam had sent, one seemed to come in every hour or so.

Kim took the phone from his hands, "My sweet baby.." she cried, "He's so tiny. He's lost weight." She brought her hand to her mouth in hopes of muffling her sobbing.

"He looks rough, but he's stable. He was severely dehydrated when I brought him in. They've been pumping him full of fluids and they've ruled out the scary things." Geraldine told her, she had focused on that bit of information, she couldn't bare to think of Sebastian's being seriously ill.

"I'm his mother. I need to see him, he needs me." Kim found a bit of courage and stood up, "What's his room number?"

"No." Adam suddenly appeared before them, and as quickly as he had appeared he vanished.

Kim attempted to chase after him, "Adam! Adam! Please..." she cried out.

Adam furiously jammed his finger on the elevator button, he refused to look at her he didn't want to breathe the same air as her. He wanted to be as far away as possible, he knew if he turned around to look at her he'd fall apart. He could hear the fear in her voice and it was killing him, he hated how scared she sounded.

She was vulnerable and broken and it was a dagger to his heart, he was a fucking mess. As much as he wanted to hold her, he wanted to scream at her.

Bob ran after her, "Kim, sweetie let Adam go. Give him some space." He tugged lightly on her arm, "C'mon, let him go." He led her towards the cafeteria, "Come on. Let me buy something to eat."

"I'm not hungry" Kim watched as Adam stepped into the elevator, he was angry and she didn't blame him. He had every right to be angry with her, it didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell. He had never been quite so cold to her, he had never spoken to her in such a frosty tone not even during their darkest days.

"I am." Bob lied, "I could use a bite to eat. Please." He pleaded, "Sebastian isn't in his room. He was scheduled for a CT scan, come on. Let's go talk."

Reluctantly Kim agreed.


	13. It's A Sinkhole

_**I'm gonna keep on living**_

 _ **Even though I sometimes do**_

 _ **Fantasize about disappearing**_

 _ **Down in the ocean blue**_

 _ **Just to get some peace and quiet**_

 _ **From the warfare inside my heart**_

 _ **Well I've been under ear-spitting fire**_

 _ **Ever since we've been apart**_

 _ **Divorce Separation Blues by The Avett Brothers**_

Jay was bouncing on the balls of his feet, the mood in the bullpen was tense. Atwater had updated them on what was going on with Ruzek and the baby and while no news was essentially good news at this point for the baby, Jay knew that wasn't the case where Kim was concerned.

He knew Upton had reached out to Kim, letting her know that Sebastian was in the hospital. Jay knew it was the right thing to do, that Kim needed to know her son was sick but he wasn't so sure Adam would see it that way. The fallout from this had the potential to be ugly, really ugly and he feared Upton would be on the receiving end of Ruzek's anger.

He needed to intercept Upton before she made it upstairs, both Atwater and Olinsky had already made it in and they were busting their asses trying to make sense of Adam's case notes, that way he could focus on the baby. With them upstairs Jay couldn't risk talking to Haley about Kim, shit could go sideways real fast.

"It's about time!" Jay met her halfway, "Have you heard from Kim?"

"I haven't. I don't know if I will either."

"You told her everything, right? She knows Sebastian is in the hospital?" Jay opened the door for her, "Atwater said they were running some tests early this morning. Ruzek is supposed to call him after he talks to the doctor."

"How is Ruzek?"

"A mess. Atwater was pretty tight lipped about his visit with him last night. He just said Ruzek was pretty emotional. I get the feeling that he knows more than he's letting on, he and Ruz are tight."

"If they want us to know they'll tell us."

"No shit." Jay replied, "I think you should tell him."

"Him? Him who?" Haley fished a dollar from her purse and headed for the vending machine, "Tell him what?"

"Adam." Jay clenched his jaw, "Tell him you have been in contact with Kim. He needs to know Haley, and he needs to hear it from you."

"No." She was in dire need of caffeine, the energy drink would provide her with solid kick in the ass, "I think we need to just let it play out. Let them work it out, there's no need for us to be in the middle of their drama."

"Pretty sure it's too late for that, you jumped head first into the deep end of their drama. You dragged me in with you. Thanks for that by the way. It's much appreciated." He detested drama, drama of any kind but to be immersed in someone else's drama? That was just too much for him, it was why he and Erin would never have worked long term. Erin was constantly immersed in drama of some kind.

"What was I supposed to do, huh? Ignore Kim?" She chugged the drink and tossed the empty can in the bin, "I did the right thing. It's out of my hands now."

Jay wasn't sure if that was their best option, "I don't know..maybe we should get out in front of it. Let Adam know you've been in contact with her."

"No. We need to let it play out on its own."

Kim picked at the styrofoam cup, "I am not proud of how I handled all of this, I hope you both know that. I'm getting help, when I left Adam it was because I was terrified, I imagine he's told you all of the gory details." Her skin was crawling, "I didn't trust myself around Sebastian."

"Honey, it's okay." Bob reached across the table to pat her hand, "I feel like we've let you down."

"No!" Kim was quick to correct him, "I have postpartum depression." It felt strange to say it out loud, "I'm in the process of being officially diagnosed but I know I have it. I'm getting, I've found a support group." She paused, "In some odd fashion, me leaving was what saved me. I found a great support group and went to a meeting, the founder of the group has been amazing. She's helped get in with a doctor where I'm staying and she's found a doctor here in Chicago."

"Adam's mother suffered from postpartum depression among other things." Bob informed her, "Though that was just the tip of the iceberg where she's concerned. Our marriage was a mistake, and Adam suffered because of it."

"I had no idea." Kim knew very little about Adam's mother and she had learned early on not to ask about her either.

"I'm not surprised." Bob shrugged his shoulders, "She had broken his heart when he was a little boy, time after time and I allowed it to happen."

"I guess I'm not much better.."

"Stop right there." Bob grabbed both of her hands, "You are better than her, you've got no idea. You recognized the problem and took action. Was it the right action? Well, that's up for debate but you're doing the work. You're getting help. She never did that, it was never her fault, it was always someone else's fault. She never took responsibility for her actions. Kim, she had a multitude of mental health issues. Please understand that you aren't like her, I didn't tell you to upset you, I just wanted you know, to give you some perspective on where Adam is coming from. He's angry. He's hurt and he's protecting himself and Sebastian."

"From me?" Kim gasped.

Gerri got up from her seat and wrapped an arm around Kim, "Honey..." Geraldine felt for her, "Adam has been struggling to keep his head above water, you've got to give him some time. I don't mean to upset you, but you really hurt him. He's heartbroken, I'm sure you know that. You need to understand that it's going to take time."

Kim silently nodded her head in agreement.

Adam plopped down in the recliner, he couldn't get away from Kim fast enough. The second he saw her he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wanted to throw himself at her, he wanted her to wrap her arms around his waist, he wanted to feel her heart beating against his chest.

He was weak.

He didn't want to need her, not after she walked out on them, but he did.

He knew what it was like to have a mother who wasn't around, a mother who viewed him as a burden. He didn't want that for Sebastian, he wasn't going to allow Kim to flit in and out of Sebastian's life like his Pops had allowed his mother to do.

He couldn't do that to Sebastian, he wouldn't do that to him.

If Kim thought she could just come and go as she pleased, she was going to be sorely disappointed.

For every fiber that was angry with her there was a part of him that just wanted her back. He so desperately wanted his Kim back, he wanted this nightmare to be over.

He wanted to scream out in frustration, his life had become a complicated mess. He knew beyond a shadow of doubt that he would do what was in a Sebastian's best interest, even if it meant keeping Kim away. It would break his heart to cut Kim from his and Sebastian's life but he didn't care all that mattered was Sebastian, and making sure that Sebastian was okay. His only priority was his son's well being.

He was pulled from his thoughts by a nurse he hadn't met and who was far too chipper for his liking, " , Sebastian is in PACU. His doctor would like to speak with you."

"Is he okay?"

"He's fine. Once he's been moved to recovery you'll be allowed back to see him." She motioned for Adam to leave the room, "The conference room is just down the hall, the doctor will be there shortly. Do you need to call anyone? Sometimes it's best to have another person in the room, just in case you miss something, it can be a bit overwhelming. Is Sebastian's mother here?"

"No..." Adam told her, fuck he was a prick. This wasn't who he was, who he wanted to be. "I am sorry, things are strained between us right now, but she's here. Somewhere." He had made a hasty exit and had no idea where she was, for all he knew she had left as soon as the elevator doors closed behind him.

Gerri grabbed her phone from her purse and answered, stepping away from the table briefly.

"Kim, I love you. I hope you know that." Bob meant every word he said, Kim was the daughter he never had. She made Adam a better person and for that he was grateful, "Adam is my boy.." his voice wobbled a bit, "..this has been so hard on him...I have to support him."

Kim wasn't surprised, "I know. I do. I love you too, and Gerri. I love Adam and Sebastian with my entire being, it's why I left. I'm getting help, I'm in counseling. I'm going to support group meetings. That won't stop, I will get my family back. I will get Adam back, I won't give up. I will fight tooth and nail for my husband and son." She reiterated all the things she was doing to get help, she needed them to know how hard she was fighting to get her family back.

"Good. I'm counting on it." Bob smiled, "I want you to know that my supporting Adam doesn't mean I'm not supporting you as well, because I am. I will be your biggest cheerleader, I know you can do this."

"Bobby...that was Adam on the phone." Gerri placed her hand on Bob's shoulder, "The doctor wants to speak with us."

"Okay.." Bob nodded.

"Is Sebastian okay?" Kim panicked.

"All Adam said was that the scan was completed, Sebastian was fine but the doctor wanted to talk to him, to us." Gerri grabbed Kim's hand, "All of us. Adam asked that you come as well." She had been given a tiny glimmer of hope, she was also relieved because that meant she wouldn't have to ask Adam about allowing Kim to join them.

Adam was pacing outside the conference room waiting for everyone else to arrive, he felt his breath catch in his throat as his father and Gerri rounded the corner, his dad's arm draped loosely around Kim's shoulder.

He was frozen in place, Kim's eyes were trained on the floor as she walked and Adam swore he could smell her perfume and it made him weak at the knees. It was frustrating as hell. To still feel so much love for her, to still want her.

Kim could feel his eyes on her, a feeling she normally loved. She loved knowing that just the sight of her could get his motor running. Not today. She felt his icy glare, the old adage 'if _looks could kill'_ came to mind.

Not that she blamed him.

Bob and Gerri picked up on the awkward tension, "We will give you two a minute." Bob ushered Gerri into the conference room.

Bob let the door close behind him, leaving Adam and Kim alone in the hallway.

Kim and Adam stood motionless in the hallway, neither one willing to make the first move the silence was deafening.

Kim nearly jumped out of her skin when a doctor approached them.

"Sorry folks. A nurse stopped me on my way down. You know how it goes. Shall we?" The doctor smiled, "I'm sure you're both anxious to get back upstairs." He grabbed at his back pocket, "Ugh..Let me take care of this and then I'll be inside. I'm so sorry."

"Of course." Adam forced a smile, he pulled the door open and motioned for Kim to go ahead.

Kim smiled briefly as she crossed the threshold into the conference room, their bodies touched all too briefly as she entered the room.

Adam closed his eyes as she walked by, almost willing her to stand still, desperate to make time stand still for just a minute or two. When he finally opened his eyes she was already sitting at the table, she had taken a seat beside his dad and Gerri. Adam was left to sit at the other end of the table, but it placed him directly in Kim's line of vision.

There was no escaping her, and if he was being honest with himself he didn't want to escape her, not really.

She looked exhausted, she had lost weight and she looked unbelievably sad.

It broke his heart.

"Sorry about that." The doctor apologized, "I've silenced this." He held up his phone for them to see, "First off Sebastian is resting comfortably. The CT scan went according to plan."

Adam's knees bounced nervously, "Did you find out what's going on with him?"

"Mr. Ruzek..."The doctor chose his words carefully, "Unfortunately the scan was unremarkable, Sebastian doesn't appear to have any significant structural abnormalities. His organs all appear within the normal range.."

"What the hell?" Adam was over this shit, "You're telling me you still don't know what is wrong with my son?"

"It's frustrating, I know. I assure you we are doing everything we can, I'm reaching out to a specialist who happens to be a friend of mine. He's going to come in first thing tomorrow morning and examine Sebastian. As frustrating as all of this is, today's results are a good thing."

Adam really couldn't argue with him on that front, but it sucked to not have answers, "Okay, so what happens tomorrow? Does he just examine Sebastian?"

"He and I will discuss the results of the CT. We go over all of Sebastian's symptoms. I've faxed over the results of Sebastian's blood work and my case notes. There's another procedure we'd like to do, it'll give us a clearer picture."

"That's what you said yesterday, if this guy doesn't know what the hell is going on then what?" Adam was awfully close to completely losing his shit, he felt as if he was teetering on the edge and it wouldn't take much to send him falling.

"We go at it even harder, I'm confident the specialist will get to the bottom of this, he's one of the best in his field. I understand your frustration, I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Me too." Adam slammed the door as he left, causing Kim to flinch.

"Mrs,Ruzek, I'm sorry." The doctor turned to her, "I should have called in a pediatric consult sooner, that's on me. I know it does little to help, but I am sorry." He was certain the CT scan would've provided him with answers, and he understood their frustration with him.

Kim wasn't sure what to say, "I understand. How is Sebastian? I've been out of town."

"He is stable, I know the nurse was going to offer him a few ounces of formula once he was in recovery to see how he tolerated it. We are taking it slow in regards to feeding him, our goal is to keep hydrated and comfortable until we have a better understanding of what he is dealing with."

"Do you have any ideas?"

"My colleague has mentioned a few possibilities, as I said we've discussed another procedure." He explained, "We would like to do it first thing tomorrow morning. Have it done by the time the doctor arrives here. It's a noninvasive test and you or your husband can stay with the baby the entire time. Its quick and painless."

"I'm sure my husband would like to be with Sebastian." Kim wanted nothing more than to be the one at Sebastian's side but she knew that Adam would be there.

"Perfect. We can do it as soon as the radiologist is in, he's usually in around sunrise. Sebastian will have what we call a barium swallow test. He'll have to ingest contrast and they'll take X-rays as the contrast works it's way to his stomach."

"It won't hurt?"

"Not at all. The contrast isn't the most pleasant thing to drink but they can add a little chocolate syrup to help with the taste. He's so young that the taste won't really bother him but we usually add the syrup in start to finish it's about twenty minutes and we will discuss the findings within an hour or so. I'm optimistic that we will finally have an answer."

Adam was pacing outside the fresh air was helping to calm him down a bit, he knew it was a dick move to storm out of the room but he was devastated. He had been knocked for a loop to find out they still didn't know what was wrong with Sebastian.

Things had quieted down for intelligence and Al wasn't about to let some downtime go to waste, he had yet to check in with Adam. Sure they had exchanged a few text messages but he wanted to see him, maybe even get him to leave the hospital for a bit.

He had watched Adam like a hawk over the last week or so, he knew something wasn't quite right with him, but he knew that when Adam was ready to talk about it he would seek him out. Al knew asking him what was wrong would be a waste of time, he needed to let Adam come to him.

He was growing a bit impatient, he hoped a visit would help to get the ball rolling.

"Adam!" Al called out, he was surprised to find Adam outside. Adam was mindlessly kicking at the loose gravel that bordered the small garden, "Adam.."

Adam shoved his hands in his pockets and met Al halfway, "Hey..." he embraced him, "Voight cut you loose?"

"Yeah. Nothing left for us to do. What are you doing out here?" He motioned around himself, "I thought you'd be with Sebastian."

Adam shrugged, "I needed to get out for just a minute, it felt like the walls were closing in on me. The tests today were inconclusive. They still have no fucking clue as to what's wrong with my kid. It's frustrating as fuck, O. My kid is sick, he's miserable and not one fucking doctor can figure this shit out."

"I'm sorry man."

"Yeah. Me too." Adam sat down on the bench opposite the fountain, "Kim's back. She left us. Do you know that she's been gone about a week now? She hasn't called once to check on Sebastian, she's dealing with some shit. I told everyone who asked that it was something with her family, she's got postpartum depression. I don't how the fuck she knew Sebastian was sick, but she found out and she's back. She just showed up."

It all made sense now, Al clapped Adam on the back, "I knew something was up with you. You've been quiet." A quiet Adam was never a good sign.

"It's all so fucked up, Al."

"Kim's back, that's a good thing." Al told him, "A kid needs his mother, you need your wife."

"The fuck he does Al. She walked out him, he doesn't need her. He's got me." Adam jumped up and began to pace again, "she walked out on him, on me..."

"She's sick Adam. Kim is sick, she's fighting her own demons but she loves you and Sebastian. Don't forget that, and I know you're pissed right now but you love Kim. You've loved her for a long time Adam, this is just a bump in the road."

"Fuck it's a sinkhole, Al." Adam sighed, "How can I let her be around Sebastian? She left him..."

"She did, but it sounds like she had her reasons. I lost my daughter, Adam. It's the worst pain in the world, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Life is short. Too fucking short. Don't keep Kim away from Sebastian, don't to that your son."

"I can't stand the sight of her..." Adam admitted sheepishly.

Al wasn't buying it, "Adam, you're angry."

"No shit." Adam brought his hands to his face, he released a frustrated growl into his hands, "I fucking love her. This hurts."

All hugged him, "I know it does, I don't know what to say or do, but I want you to know I'm here for whatever you need. I'm here for you. I love you kid."

"Thanks Al. I love you too."

Al cleared his throat, "Let me buy you dinner. Get you out of here for a little bit." He was never one to talk about how he was feeling, but he knew Adam needed to talk this out. He also had some things he needed Adam to hear.

"Nah, I'm good. I need to get back upstairs." Adam made his way towards the elevator, "The nurse just sent me a text. Sebastian's in his room, I need to see him." Adam couldn't wait to lay eyes on his son.

"I know it's hard, but it'll do you some good to get out for a little bit." Al wasn't letting him off the hook, "Your Pops and his girlfriend are here?"

Adam was growing impatient with the elevator, "I can't ask them to stay."

"Sure you can. They'd be happy to do it." Al was thankful when the elevator finally showed up, he was certain Adam was going to break the button he had to have pushed it a hundred times.

Kim stood with her hand placed against the glass, her baby boy was sleeping not that she could actually see him. The large crib practically swallowed him up, she could see tuft of his silky brown hair. If she closed her eyes she could feel it on her fingertips, she longed to hold him in her arms.

"You can go in." Bob pointed to the door, "I know Sebastian would love to see you."

Kim sighed, "If he even remembers who I am. I haven't been much of a mother to him." She was hit with another wave of guilt, it was suffocating at times. She knew she couldn't let it bog her down, she couldn't change the past but she could change her future. Coming home was the first step in doing so, sure it was a bit earlier then she had planned but she knew this was where she needed to be.

This was where she was meant to be.

As Adam rounded the corner and arrived at Sebastian's room he felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him, in that instant he knew what he needed to do.

"I can go..." Kim whispered.

Adam ignored her. He went in the room, closing the door behind. That action spoke volumes, he made it clear no one was to follow him.

"I should go." Kim muttered, she watched as Adam carefully lifted Sebastian from the crib. She couldn't help but smile as Sebastian's limbs flailed a bit, Adam held him close to his chest. "Adam is a wonderful daddy..."

Gerri grabbed Kim's hand, "Don't go. Stay and visit with Sebastian."

"I don't think I'm allowed." Kim replied.

"Like hell you're not." Bob chimed in.

"I gotta go man. Just for a little while, I promise. I'll be back. I need you to sleep and get better okay?" Adam whispered to Sebastian as he kissed his face, he returned him to the crib and leaned on the railing watching as Sebastian drifted back to sleep, "Your mom is here.."

"I don't want to cause trouble between you and Adam. It's okay. I can go." Kim didn't think she could handle being told she couldn't see her own son.

Adam hugged Gerri as he came out of Sebastian's room, "He's sleepy." Adam told her, "Al offered to take me out to dinner, do you think you could stay with Sebastian?"

"Absolutely." Bob and Gerri replied in unison. They were both thrilled that Adam was going to get out of the hospital for a little bit.

"Thank you."

"Thank you Olinsky. We've been trying to get him out of here." Bob extended his hand to Al.

"No problem. I won't keep him out to long." Al answered.

"Thanks Pop." Adam started to leave only to stop abruptly, "You should go see him. If you want. I mean you're his mother after all. It's the least you could do." He never once looked in Kim's direction, choosing to talk at her instead. He instantly regretted how harsh he sounded, "I..." He stammered a bit, "I shouldn't have said that..."

"It's okay." Kim replied meekly.


	14. A Burger And A Beer

**_So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light  
'Cause oh that gave me such a fright  
But I will hold on as long as you like  
Just promise me that we'll be alright_**

 ** _Ghosts That We Knew by Mumford and Sons_**

Al had found a little hole in the wall place not to far from the hospital, Adam had made it clear he didn't want to be far from Sebastian. They secured a table towards the back, Al watched as he stared at the menu, his shoulders were slumped and his face was weary, it was clear Adam had been through the wringer. The man hadn't breathed a word of it to anyone, he came to work and did what was expected of him.

"Just get a burger, they can't fuck that up." Al snickered, "A burger and a beer, sounds like our safest bet."

Adam sighed, "I dunno..."

"Fuck Adam. You need to eat." Al scolded him, "You aren't any good to anyone if you aren't taking care of yourself."

"How 'bout you stop treating me like I'm a kid..." Adam snapped.

Al wasn't backing off, "Don't be an asshole. We are here, just order something or don't. I'm starving. You can watch me eat I don't give a fuck. We aren't leaving." Al leaned back in the chair, "We need to talk."

Adam relented, "Whatever."

Kim approached Sebastian's crib, she held her hands in front of her face almost as if she was praying, she just may have been. She feared being rejected, she wasn't sure she was strong enough to handle being rejected.

She wanted to soak him in, very lightly she placed her hand on the crown of his head. It was still as soft as she remembered, she was suddenly overcome with emotion. She had never realized just how beautiful he was, he was her perfect little boy.

"Oh..baby.." she spoke softly as to not wake him, she glanced over shoulder, "I feel like I'm seeing him for the first time. Really seeing him." She quickly turned her gaze back on Sebastian.

"He's beautiful, isn't he?" Geraldine ran her hand over Kim's back, "Why don't you pick him up. I know he'd love to cuddle with you."

Kim sighed, "I don't know. He's sleeping."

"Go on, Kim. Pick him up." Bob encouraged her, one way or another she was going to hold Sebastian. He'd see to it, he'd put Sebastian in her arms if need be.

Kim was careful in her movements, she tenderly lifted him up. She was careful not to disturb his IV and the other lines attached to him, she sobbed as she held him close, "Mommy is sorry Sebastian, so very sorry."

Gerri reached out for Bob's hand and gave it a squeeze, she was choked up and she knew Bob was as well, she wouldn't look him in the eye as she knew if she did she'd be in tears.

Sebastian instinctively rooted against her breast, it broke her heart just a little bit more. Just when didn't think she could hurt anymore she was proved wrong. She had continued pumping even after leaving Adam. The fridge in her hotel room was filled with baggies of breast milk, she wasn't sure why she continued to do so, she had no plans of getting the milk to Adam. She was thankful she had done so, Sebastian clearly wanted to nurse.

"Can I nurse him?" Kim asked.

"I don't see why not, but I'll double check." Bob jumped up from his seat and left the room, "I'll go find his nurse."

Al sighed heavily, "That was good." He tilted back in his chair, the burger had been one of the best he'd ever eaten, "We've eaten. It's time to talk."

Adam had inhaled his burger, "Come on Al..." he flipped his cell phone over.

"Ignore the phone for just a minute. Sebastian is fine." Al explained, he pushed his plate aside and he rested his arms on the table, "Kid, I know you're angry with Kim. Now before you jump down my throat I want you to know I understand your angry. I don't know nor do I need to know all the details. It's none of my business."

"Good to know." Adam had a fair idea where this was headed.

"Sebastian? He's my business. That little boy is the closest I will ever come to having a grandchild. I lost my Lexi. That's a pain you never get over, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy."

Adam felt the air leave his lungs, he couldn't even imagine how hard it must be for Al, he didn't think he'd be able to go on if he ever lost Sebastian.

"This shit that's going on between you and Kim? That's where it needs to stay. You both need to work it out, let the chips fall where they may. I hope to hell it ends in you two getting back together, but if it doesn't? That's fine." Al hadn't been the greatest of husbands and he had made more than his fair share of mistake, "Sebastian needs you both. Do you hear me?"

"I do." Adam replied, "Kim left though. She left him."

"It was a shit move." Al replied, "She's sick Adam. She wasn't in her right mind. She's here now and like it or not, Sebastian needs her. "

"So I'm supposed to just pretend nothing happened? Ignore the things she said before she left, I don't know O." Adam could feel the anger bubbling up in his gut, "She said she dreamed of killing him.."

Al was taken aback, "Adam...I don't know what to say."

"You see my dilemma, do you think I want to keep her away? Fuck no. She's his mother. Despite all of this I still love her. I adore her, but she broke my heart that night she left. She gave up on us. So excuse me if I don't pull out the welcome wagon.." Adam finished off what was left of his beer.

"I don't expect you to. I do expect you to allow her to be with her son, she gets to help you make the decisions regarding his medical needs." Al continued, "Meredith never kept me away from Lexi, lord knows I gave her plenty of reasons to do so." He bit the inside of his cheek, "I'm so thankful for that, we didn't have Lexi for long enough. She was taken way too soon. Adam, getting to be a parent is the most precious gift in the world, don't take that away from Kim. Sebastian needs both his parents, I know you're angry and you've got every right to be but don't let your anger stand in the way of Kim being a mother to Sebastian."

"I'm terrified to let her in. What if she walks out again? What if she hurts him?"

"Do whatever you need to do, if it means you take precautions so be it. Just make it work Adam." Al shrugged, "Just don't keep Kim from that baby."

"I don't know if I can do that..." he didn't want to be a dick but he had to look out for his kid, "I won't have her in and out of Sebastian's life.

"I'm not asking you to, I'm asking you not to keep Kim away from him. That's all. I don't want you to be the reason Sebastian doesn't have his mother in his life. You can't keep Kim away. If Kim fucks up alomg the way, you'll be there for the kid. No matter what happens Sebastian will always know you didn't keep his mother away from him." Al folded his arms across his chest, "I hope to hell you two can find your way back to each other but it's okay if it doesn't work out. Sebastian needs both of you but he doesn't need for his parents to be together."

"You done?" Adam balled his napkin up and tossed it on the table, "I need to get back to my son."

Al was done, he had said his piece and there was no point in prolonging their stay. Al knew needed to let his words percolate a bit, "We can go." Al pulled his wallet out and tossed a few bills on the table, leaving enough to cover the bill and a generous tip to make up for Adam's shit mood.

Kim was a bit disappointed to learn that she couldn't nurse Sebastian, she understood their desire to maintain the status quo where feeding was concerned. They were carefully monitoring every feed and there were would be no way to tell how much he had eaten if she nursed him.

So she settled for sitting in the glider with him, she marveled at how much he had changed in just a week's time. She hadn't been gone long but it felt like forever, he was changing everyday and knowing she'd never get that time back killed her.

She appreciated how silent and unobtrusive Bob and Geraldine had been, it was as if they weren't even in the room. It was as if it was just her and her baby boy, she cuddled him close and relished the feeling of his soft skin as she ran her fingers over every inch of exposed skin. She noticed that he had lost some weight, he was pretty sleepy which she knew was to be expected but she was anxious for him to be a bit more alert. The few times he managed to open his eyes had been wonderful, his eyes were so much like Adam's. Her heart swelled with love each time he smiled at her, it only happened a few times but she cried like a baby with each smile.

When he curled his fingers around her thumb she dipped her head to kiss his fingers, "I'm going to fight to be the mommy you deserve. I love you so much Sebastian James."

"I'm glad you're home, Kim." Gerri stood beside her, "I hate that It took Sebastian getting sick to bring you home..but I'm grateful."

Kim reached out with her free hand to hold Gerri's hand, "Me too...I never should've left. I know that now. I was just so lost...I thought it was what I had to do. I was wrong."

"You're here now sweetie, that's all that matters" Bob chimed in, "I feel like a broken record but it's the truth."

"I appreciate your kindness, I don't really deserve it." Kim returned Sebastian to his crib, "I should get going." She really didn't want to leave but she didn't want to be there when Adam returned.

"Where are you going?" Gerri asked.

"I'm going to see my sister, she doesn't know I'm back yet." Kim hadn't talked to Nicole since the morning before she left, they spoke briefly and it ended in an ugly argument. Kim had her work cut out for her, but she was determined to make amends. "I'm hoping she will let me stay with her."

"You can stay with us." Bob offered, "You can have the guest room. We'd love to have you."

Kim appreciated the offer, "I can't stay with you. You're Adam's family, it wouldn't be right."

"We're your family as well." Geraldine told her, "I do understand though, just promise us you won't leave again."

"I won't." Kim hugged her, "Thank you for everything, for taking care of Sebastian and Adam. For loving me, even when I don't deserve it."

"We love you. We just want you to get better." Bob hugged her tightly, "You're going to get better, Sebastian will be okay. In a year from now this will just be an unfortunate blip on the radar."

Kim wasn't so sure, "From your lips. I will back first thing tomorrow morning. Before Sebastian's procedure. Will you let Adam know?"

"Of course." Kim returned to Sebastian's crib, she pulled the railing down so she could give him one last kiss and hug before leaving, "I promise I will be back tomorrow, be a sweet boy."

Adam wasn't shocked that Kim was gone when he got back, "She's gone? Not surprised."

Bob bit his tongue, "Did you eat?" He could feel the tension coming off Adam in waves, "The fresh air must've been nice."

"Sure. How's Sebastian?" Adam lifted him up, "Hey man.." he kissed his head and was instantly surrounded by aroma of Kim's perfume, he nuzzled his nose against Sebastian's soft hair.

"The same. He snuggled with Kim for most of the time she was her, I think he really liked it." Geraldine explained, "It was nice."

Adam grabbed a folder off the table, "What's this?"

"Information about the procedure tomorrow. One of the nurses dropped it off earlier." Bob explained.

"Did Kim agree to the procedure?" Adam asked.

Bob knew Adam was pissed, "She did. You stormed out of the room. Sebastian needs the procedure."

Adam nodded his head, "Got it. We are good here."

"You know Son..."

Geraldine placed her hand on Bob's arm, "Bob...don't." She knew he was over Adam's attitude, "Let's go home, it's been a long day for everyone."

"We will go home. I just need to say this first. You're angry I know and you're allowed to be, but Kim is trying..."

"Fuck..well, thanks for that Pop. I'm glad I've got your permission to be angry." Adam put Sebastian back in his crib, Sebastian started to whine as soon as he was put down, "Yes, I'm angry." Adam huffed, "She left and now she's making medical decisions..."

"He needs the procedure. You would've signed off on it if you had bothered to stick around." Bob cut him off, "Adam, son. I love you. I am so proud of you and the father that you've become but the way you're dealing with this is wrong. Kim is getting help. She didn't just run off..she left because she has postpartum depression."

"So I've heard. Seems everyone is quick to make excuses for her, and I'm the one who gets shit on."

Geraldine was desperate to get Bob out of the room before things escalated even further, "Bob, honey. That's enough."

"Okay..okay." Bob threw his hands up, "I'm done. Adam, I'm sorry. We will see you in the morning. Please try and get some rest."

"Yep." Adam replied.

Kim wasn't looking forward to this, the only thing harder then this was seeing Adam. She knew Nicole was going to be furious with her, she was a bit surprised that she hadn't been at the hospital to see Sebastian at all.

She knew Nicole worked crazy hours and was constantly on the go, wether it be work or schlepping Zoe from place to place, her sister was the epitome of busy.

Not that Kim had the right to judge her.

She could feel herself falling into the black hole that was self loathing, it was a dangerous place to be and it would get her nowhere. Cheryl had drilled into her to not dwell on the past, on the things she couldn't change, there was no good to be had in reliving her mistakes. She was to remember them, to learn from them as to not repeat them and she was to lace them in the past.

As she climbed the porch steps she felt her stomach roll, as her hand hovered over the door to knock it suddenly flew open.

"Where the hell have you been?" Nicole had heard the car door and was up in a flash, she yanked her sister inside and immediately engulfed her in a the tightest hug she could manage. She needed to hug the life out of her before she chewed her out for falling off the face of the earth.

The Burgess sisters were tight over the last few years, Nicole's attack had been the catalyst for their new found relationship. When Nicole was afraid to leave her house, it was Kim who helped her. Most of them Nicole didn't need to ask Kim, somehow she just knew that her sister needed her.

Nicole felt awful for not being able to return the favor, she had a fair suspicion that Kim was having issues but she never questioned her on it. On the off chance she did confront Kim about it, Kim blew her off and she backed off, she would never forgive herself for letting Kim down.

"Sit down and start talking." Nicole demanded.

"I'm sorry." Kim followed her into the living room, "I'm sorry for worrying you."

"As you should be, I assume you know Sebastian is in the hospital, yes? That's why you're home. Have you seen him yet?"

"I have. I just spent the last hour or so with him, he's a tough little boy. He's hanging in." Kim missed him, "He's absolutely beautiful."

"Yes he is. He's perfect. What did Adam say?"

Kim shrugged, "It wasn't pretty. He's tolerating me. Barely. I'm going back first thing in the morning, Sebastian has to have another procedure."

"That poor baby. He's been through so much..." the rest of her sentence died on her lips, "I'm sorry..."

"No, it's okay." Kim told her, "he has been through a lot, because of me. Nicole, I have postpartum depression, I'm getting help."

Nicole pulled her into her arms once more, "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I let you down."

Adam stroked Sebastian's cheek as he slept, "Be patient with me man, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, your mom is back and it's knocked me on my ass." He rattled on, "I know she loves you...I know that beyond a shadow of doubt but I'm scared for you. My mom wasn't much of a mom..." he smiled as Sebastian's face scrunched up a bit as he squirmed, "see you get it..my mom she was never around for me. It sucked. She let me down all the time, and Pops let her, man I'd cry myself to sleep. I don't want you to feel that pain kiddo, I don't want you to ever think you're not worth it. That you aren't loved. That's how my mom made me feel..for a long time." He felt like he was spinning out, "the thing is I love her. I love her so much, I don't know if I can do this life without her. What if she comes home and she leaves us again? I'm not sure I can go through that again." He flicked away the tears as they slid down his cheek.

Kim put the last of the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, Nicole had cooked enough food to feed a third world country. Most of it had been put in the fridge and would be eaten over the next few days, dinner had been quiet for the most part and Kim was thankful for that. Zoe had come home shortly after Kim had shown up. Zoe was thrilled to see her, her presence had kept Nicole from asking the tough questions.

It was an all too brief reprieve, as soon as Zoe had gone to her room for the night, the floodgates had opened and Nicole didn't hold back.

Kim had expected her to come at her with both barrels firing, it was best to face it head on and get it over with. She was exhausted and just wanted to take a hot shower and go to bed.

"Sit." Nicole ordered when Kim finally emerged from the kitchen, "I appreciate you cleaning up the mess from dinner, I realize why you were quick to volunteer. I've got questions. A lot of them."

"I know you do. I will do my best to answer them. I want you to understand that I may not be able to answer them all, there are somethings I need to discuss with Adam before I discuss them with anyone else. I hope you can respect that." Truthfully Kim didn't care if she did or not, it wasn't up for discussion.

"Understood." Nicole replied, "Where have you been?"

"A hotel a few hours away." Kim told her, "I've been there for the last week. I just got in the car and drove, I didn't have a destination in mind."

"You just up and left. No phone call.."

"It was wrong I know." Kim sighed, "I was so lost...nothing I did made sense. I felt so out of control. I couldn't focus on anything, or anyone. The sound of Sebastian crying made my skin crawl.." she shuddered at the memories, "I was in a very dark place and I felt like I had to leave. That Adam and Sebastian would be better off without me."

"That's ridiculous." Nicole was astonished, she pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them tightly, "Clearly you were suffering from a touch of the baby blues. I had them after I had Zoe. Your hormones are all messed up, you've got this tiny little person depending on you to keep them alive..."

Kim cut her off, "No. I didn't have a _touch_ of the baby blues. I had..I have postpartum depression."

"Alright, my mistake. I still don't understand why you left. From what I understand Adam doesn't either." She hadn't seem much of Adam lately but had exchanged a few text messages when Sebastian had been admitted into the hospital.

"I was having these fantasies.." Kim hated sharing this part of her story but she knew her sister needed to have all the facts, "Daydreams. Nightmares. It doesn't matter what you call them they're horrific. I had these images flash through my head...of killing Sebastian." She wanted to vomit as she spoke the words, she could see Nicole was about to say something, she stopped her with her hand. "Don't say it. Please don't say I would never hurt my baby. I came this close to doing it..." she held her index finger and thumb closely together leaving the tiniest sliver of space between them, "Sebastian was crying...he had been crying most of the day and I had tried everything. None of it worked, he just kept crying. I had put him down on the floor and walked away, I could feel myself losing control. I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't comfort him. I went back to him and picked him up, I wanted to try again. To see if couldn't get him to settle..." she had hoped that stepping away for a few moments would help some of the stress she was feeling to alleviate, "I held him up so he was at my eye level, I had my hands under his arms, but he wouldn't stop crying. I begged him to stop crying but he didn't. I was so frustrated, he was miserable. I almost did the unthinkable, I wanted to shake him, and I nearly did."

"No..." Nicole gasped, she reached across to take Kim's hand in hers.

"Yes." Kim pulled the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth, she used her free hand to wipe her eyes, "I nearly shook my precious baby. I knew I needed to get away from him. I couldn't risk hurting him, I couldn't hurt my son. I couldn't hurt Adam..."

Nicole lurched forward to catch Kim as she broke down in gut wrenching sobs, her body trembling as she cried.

Nicole had heard those cries before, they had come from deep within her and it had been Kim who held her through it.

"I love you Kim..." Nicole whispered as she rubbed her back, "You will be okay. Sebastian will be okay." She whispered it over and over again as Kim continued to sob.

Adam woke with a start, the rising sun had bathed the room in warm light he was a bit shocked to have slept so soundly and for so long. The last thing he could remember was watching a documentary about shark attacks off the coast of Australia. He wasn't really watching it, it was mere background noise something to fill the silence.

"Sorry, " the nurse smiled, "I didn't mean to wake you, I tried to be quiet." She made a few notations on Sebastian's chart, "little man had a good night. He will be going downstairs shortly, the radiologist has already checked in and is speaking with the doctors."

"Good to hear." Adam was a bundle of nerves, "This procedure, its safe?"

"Yes." The nurse smiled, she sorted through some of the paperwork on the desk, "Here." She grabbed the pamphlet, "this explains it in detail."

"Thanks." Adam looked it over quickly.

"Try and relax, Mr. Ruzek. We've got this. Sebastian is in good hands. Answers are coming, I feel it in my gut. This little guy will be heading home soon."

"I sure hope so." Adam smiled, "I don't know how much more of this I can take." He couldn't imagine how anyone did it, he was lucky Sebastian wasn't critically injured or sick. He wasn't suffering from anything life threatening, it didn't mean he wasn't scared as hell because he was but it had given him some perspective.

Kim was already up and showered, she was ready to get back to the hospital, she was shocked to find Nicole already up and standing in front of the coffee maker two travel mugs in her hands, "All set?" Nicole asked.

"For?" Kim asked.

"The hospital. You didn't think I'd let you go alone did you?" Nicole smiled, "I haven't seen my nephew in a long time. I need some Sebastian snuggles."

"You and me both." Kim smiled before hugging her, "Thank you."

Adam had been in constant contact with his Pops, he was glad both him and Geraldine would be at the hospital shortly, his nerves were frayed and he needed to get in a quick run. The hospital grounds provided him with a the space to get in a run.

He had a fair idea that Kim would be in soon and he wasn't ready to be in her presence, he was feeling pretty fucking weak at the moment and didn't trust himself. He had figured out why he had slept so soundly, he slept well because he had seen Kim. He knew she was safe and sound and it was one less thing he had to worry about, he was a living breathing contradiction. He loved Kim and yet he hated her at that same time, he wasn't sure it was hate he was feeling, hurt was probably a better term.

Just as he expected his father arrived, "Hi Son." Bob held his arms open, "We good?" He knew he had pushed Adam a bit too much the previous night and he felt like shit because of it.

"Yeah. Of course Pop." Adam welcomed the hug, "Sebastian had a good night. He was awake for a little bit, I actually think he's getting better." Sebastian had smiled quite a few times already, "Smiling and trying to talk. I think he may have even been flirting with the nurse."

"Sounds like a true Ruzek." Gerri laughed, "May I?" She looked at Adam awaiting his permission.

"Of course. You don't have to ask Gerri, you're family. He loves his GiGi." He grabbed his running shoes from his overnight bag, "You guy's mind if I go outside for a bit, go for a run? I've got a ton of energy I need to burn."

"Go on. We will be fine won't we little man?" Bob tugged lightly on his grandson's foot, "you'll stick close, Yeah?"

"Absolutely. Just around the grounds. It's good for at least three or four miles." The campus was large and had a pretty decent terrain, it varied in slope and conditions. "I just need to zone out and get out of my head for a little while." He neglected to add how he didn't want to be around when Kim showed up, nor did he want to admit that he was a little afraid that she wouldn't show up.

"Well, then off you go." Bob waved him out of the room, "we've got this under control. Just take your phone with you."

"Thanks Pop." Adam replied.

Kim was a nervous wreck as she waited for the elevator to arrive on Sebastian's floor, she felt like it'd never get there, as soon as the doors slid open she practically ran out.

Nicole tugged on her arm, "Slow down Kim. I know you're anxious to see him but you're going to knock someone down if you're not careful"

"I want my baby." Kim longed for him, she felt whole when she was with him. It was an odd feeling after she had felt so disconnected from him to suddenly feel so incomplete without him was hard to wrap her head around how fast everything had changed for her.

"I know."

Slowly Kim pushed the door open, she felt the wind leave her sails just a bit when Adam was nowhere to be found, "Can I come in?" Kim asked as she stood behind the door just a bit, "My sister Nicole is here with me."

"Of course you can come in. Don't be silly." Gerri waved her in, "I was just cuddling with little man, but I'm sure he'd rather hang with his mommy."

"How was his night?" Kim asked as Gerri transferred him into her arms, "He is still stable, yes?"

"Adam said he had an uneventful night. Which is a good thing. He's been pretty alert this morning, even smiling and trying to talk. Adam thinks he's getting better, and while he's not wrong, it's more that he's no longer dehydrated and that's done wonders for him. They're still cautious when it comes to his feeds, seems he still not tolerating them all that well."

"Come on little one, it's time to get it together." Kim cooed, "When will they do his procedure?"

"Soon. The nurse was in just a little while ago, they're going to begin prepping him soon." Gerri nudged Bob, "Perhaps you should call Adam."

"Soon. I told him I'd text him when the nurses said it was time."

"Where is he?" Kim asked them.

"He went for a run." Bob told her, "He needed some air. He's been pretty wound up as of late."

Nicole could see Bob's comment had stung Kim a bit, "Sebastian sure is handsome, huh?" She wanted to veer the conversation in a different direction. She knew Bob hadn't intended to hurt Kim, but he had done just that.

"He's the cutest baby in the world. I know I'm a bit biased." Bob chuckled, "He takes after his grandfather." He grinned from ear to ear, he absolutely adored his grandson.

Nicole felt her phone buzz in her back pocket, she was alerted to a missed call, "That was Zoe. I'm going head outside to call her back. I will be back shortly."

Adam yanked the headphones out, he tugged on his shirt and used it to wipe the sweat from his face. He slumped over a bit, his hands resting on his knees as he waited for his heart rate to slow and his breathing to return to normal.

The run had done little to clear his mind, it was a tall task and he wasn't all that shocked that it hadn't come to fruition. He knew everything would remain in a holding pattern until they discovered what was going on with Sebastian.

Once that happened he would be able to focus on his marriage and figure out where things stood and what would come next.

Nicole had a brief conversation with Zoe and promised to call her as soon as Sebastian's procedure was over, Zoe adored her baby cousin and was just beside herself with worry.

As she turned to go back inside she spotted Adam sitting on a bench with his head in his hands.

"Hi, Adam." She touched his back, "How are you?"

Adam looked up at her, "I'm okay. Hanging in." He told her, he discreetly reached a hand up to wipe his tears away, "You?"

"About as well a could be expected. I'm ready for our boy to be better." She folded her arms across her chest, "I want you to know I appreciate you letting Kim to sit with Sebastian for a little bit. She's upstairs with him, I assume that's why you went for a run. It really means a lot to Kim. I know everything is so messed up right now, but she loves her son Adam."

Adam's head bobbed up and down as he spoke, "I needed to run. It's helps clear my head..though it didn't really get the job done today. I am not a complete dick. I don't want to keep Sebastian from her...it's just complicated. I know she was..." he paused, "is dealing with a lot. I'm thrilled she's getting help but..." he turned to look her in the eye, "Things aren't magically okay because she's back and getting help. She walked out on us."

"She regrets leaving you. She was in such a dark place, she thought it was the only option" Nicole explained.

"Why didn't she come to me? Why didn't she trust me with this? I could've..I would've helped her." Adam had gone over it twelve ways from Sunday and still couldn't wrap his head around it, "Thank you for calling her, for convincing her to come home. I was going to try and find her I swear. Once Sebastian was admitted I knew I had to find her."

"I didn't." Nicole told him, "She showed up last night. Just knocked on the door, I was shocked as hell to see her. I just assumed you had gotten in touch with her."

"No." Adam stood up straight, "What the hell? How did she know?"

Nicole was puzzled, "I don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter how she found out though does it? I'm just happy she knows and she's home."

Adam wasn't so sure he agreed with her, he did want to know how she had found out about Sebastian being sick.

"You didn't call her?" Adam questioned her again, "Didn't send her a text? Nothing?" He asked her.

"Well, I sent multiple texts and left voicemails but I never once mentioned Sebastian being sick. She never replied Adam, I can't even be sure the texts were delivered to her phone." Nicole had tried numerous times to get ahold of her. It was frustrating as hell and it had driven her to tears more than once, "Does it really matter though?"

"Yeah, it kinda does. I would like..." Adam paused to answer his phone. "I'll be right up." It was a short call barely lasting a minute, "That was my father, they're ready for Sebastian's procedure. I need to get upstairs."

Kim had said her goodbyes to Sebastian and made her way downstairs to the waiting room, she wanted to give Adam the space he had given her. She was thankful for those precious moments with Sebastian, moments she wasn't sure she deserved. She got hold her baby, kiss his face and whisper words of encouragement in his ear.

It wasn't long before she was joined by Nicole and then shortly after that Bob and Gerri had joined them.

While the test was simple and wouldn't take long in had them all on edge, so much was riding on the outcome of this procedure.

In the blink of an eye it was over, they heard from nurse that Sebastian was back in his room and that they should head on up as the doctor would be their shortly with the results.


	15. We've Got Our Answer

The walk back to Sebastian's room felt as if it would never end, she was relieved to hear it was over but she wouldn't be at ease until she laid eyes on her baby.

Kim stopped just outside Sebastian's room, the blinds had been opened allowing her to see inside, Adam sat with his back to the window. Kim could just barely see the top of Sebastian's head, it was a beautiful sight to behold.

She jumped a bit when she felt Bob's hand on her back.

"Sorry." Bob rubbed her back, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"It's okay. I was just lost in thought." Kim was hesitant to go in the room, "I guess we should go inside, huh?" Would she be welcomed? She was terrified of being told she couldn't be near Sebastian.

"Yes. We should." Bob told her, "you have every right to be in that room, Kim. Adam understands that."

"I'm not so sure." Kim replied, she gathered all her courage and pulled the door open.

Adam turned to look over his shoulder, "Hey." He got up from the chair and handed Sebastian to Kim, never once looking her in the eye, "The doctors should be up any minute now. He did well, he was a champ."

"Thank you." Kim managed to squeak out over the lump in her throat, she had never expected this. She had prepared herself to be told to leave, but she never thought Adam would place their son in her arms.

"He didn't like the shit he had to drink. That was the worst part." Adam had caught some of it down the front of his shirt, Sebastian had clamped his mouth shut multiple times, when they did manage to get it in his mouth he promptly spit it out it had taken numerous attempts but they somehow managed to get enough in him for the test to work.

They sat in an awkward silence for a bit before the doctors finally arrived, "We've got our answer." The doctor announced immediately upon entering the room, "Sebastian has pyloric stenosis." He went to the whiteboard, he drew a quick diagram, "The muscle at the end of the stomach is called the pylorus. Sebastian's is enlarged, it's much thicker than it should be. It blocks the flow of food into his stomach, it results in vomiting. Projectile vomiting to be more precise, it eventually leads to dehydration and just an all around miserable time for the baby. Eventually resulting in a trip to the ER."

"Can you fix it?" Adam asked.

"Yes. It's a relatively easy fix. We can do it laparoscopically, a few small incisions in his abdomen, we insert a small camera and then we will a make an incision in the pylorus muscle and widening the opening into Sebastian's intestines." He smiled politely at Kim, "I know it sounds complex but it's pretty straight forward, it's a simple procedure."

"Was he born with this issue?" Kim asked the doctor. "He's always had issues with feeding, they said he had reflux. Did I do something wrong?"

"More than likely he wasn't born with it, but no one really knows, it just happens sometimes. There really is no way to predict it, there is nothing you did or didn't do to cause it. It's really just shit luck."

"What's the prognosis? The risks?" Adam sat up straight, "The recovery time?" He was relieved to have an answer but the thought of surgery terrified him.

"Prognosis is excellent. Once we perform the surgery, he's cured. There won't be any long lasting effects. Surgery has its own risks, but in Sebastian's case the risks are minimal. I will call in a pediatric anesthesiologist, he will be in good hands. We've got him scheduled for first thing tomorrow, and should something open up later we will grab it."

Adam nodded, "What about pain?"

"Unfortunately he will be uncomfortable in the days after surgery, doing it laparoscopically cuts the recovery time in half, and it's not nearly as painful. If we can't, we will deal with it. Regardless of the method, he will be in some pain. We will do everything we can to manage his pain and keep him comfortable. You'd be surprised by how quickly he will recover, kids are resilient."

"How long is the procedure?" Kim questioned him, she felt a bit overwhelmed by it. She had blamed herself for the issues Sebastian had been having and to learn that it wasn't her fault had relieved her of some of the guilt she was feeling.

Kim had really struggled with how Sebastian's birth had played out, she refused pain medicine and her labor has stalled. When the doctor brought up the possibility of a cesarean Kim was adamant that she delivered vaginally, and she had but not without complications. The forceps they had used to deliver Sebastian had left him with gruesome bruising on his face.

Kim knew that was where her issues began.

"From start to finish? About an hour and a half, two hours tops." The doctor approached the door to leave, "If you have any questions at all just ask the nurse and she will answer it if she can or she will get a hold of me. Try and relax, we are in the home stretch now."

"What do we do now?" Kim asked, she hadn't addressed her question to anyone specific it was more of a rhetorical question. A side effect of being nervous, anxious, terrified, and relieved at once. Relieved that they now knew what was wrong with Sebastian, anxious over his upcoming surgery and terrified to be in Adam's presence. All she wanted to do was hold her baby, and to have Adam's arms wrapped around her as she did so.

She was terrified he was going to ask her to leave.

Adam cleared his throat, "Gerri can you stay with the baby? I've got to check in at work and make sure Atwater has my case notes."

"Yes. Of course, honey. Go do what you need to do. I'd really like it if you went home and grabbed a shower and a nap. I won't push my luck though." She smiled.

"Probably a good idea." He joked, he was feeling better than he had in days. He wasn't excited by the notion of his infant son having surgery but he was relieved to finally know what was wrong with Sebastian. "I won't be long but call me if you need me." He turned to Sebastian's crib and stroked his leg through the bars, "Rest up little man. Daddy'll be back soon. Be good for GiGi." He kissed his fingertips and then pressed them to Sebastian's forehead.

He turned to Gerri, "Thanks again. For everything." He hugged her tightly and kissed the crown of her head.

Kim looked on as Adam said his goodbyes, she felt her heart accelerate when Adam turned to her.

Adam locked eyes with her.

Time stood still.

Adam looked away first, and finally maneuvered himself around Kim and left without saying a word to her.

"Seems he can't get away from me fast enough.." Kim muttered, "He can't stand to be in the same room as me. He hates me."

"Far from it." Gerri told her, "He absolutely adores you. He is afraid to let you in and you can't fault him for that, Kim. I don't mean to hurt you but he is struggling too. You're both hurting and it's breaking my heart to watch it happen."

Kim was quick to retrieve Sebastian from his crib as he began to fuss, "I really messed things up, didn't I?"

Gerri felt for her, "Kim, nothing about this has been easy for anyone. Not for you, not for Adam." She grabbed a tissue from the box on the table, "Can I speak freely?"

Kim nodded her head, she ran the back of her hand lightly over Sebastian's cheek, "Yes. Please do."

Geraldine sighed and stammered a bit, "I love you. I've loved you from the first day I met you. You're such a generous soul, you've got a really good heart, and a fair bit of badass mixed in." She looked on as Kim snuggled Sebastian, "Adam. He's my Adam. He's become like a son to me, I love him like I love my boys. My boys are so far away, I miss them dearly. Adam has filled the void their absence has left in my heart. When you left you him, you broke his heart."

"I know.." Kim whimpered.

Gerri grabbed her hand, "Sweetie, I don't mean to upset you. I just need you to understand how deeply you hurt Adam. It will take him some time. Just please, don't give up on him."

Relief washed over her, she had no idea what Geraldine was going to say to her. "I will wait for him. I don't care how long it takes, I will wait. I love Adam with my entire soul. I left him out of fear, fear that I would hurt my baby. I didn't leave because I didn't love him. I left because I loved him, him and Sebastian."

"He loves you so." Gerri smiled, "You and Sebastian are his world."

"And he's mine. When I left I was in such a dark place. I was completely lost and scared beyond words." Kim explained, "I didn't want to let Adam down, I couldn't stand to be around Sebastian." She looked down at him as he slept in her arms, "It breaks my heart to know I hurt Adam and my sweet Sebastian. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to them. Everything I do from here on out, is for them"

It had been the longest night of his life, sleep was impossible. He couldn't take his eyes off his little boy, he was scared shitless. He would have to hand over his son who was just barely four months old to a complete stranger. He was placing his son's life in someone else's hands, he didn't give a shit how qualified those hands were, it was absolutely terrifying. He had faced down some of Chicago's worst criminals and wasn't as scared as he was right now.

Adam held Sebastian in his arms as the sun rose above the horizon, it was the start of a new day, a day that held such promise. If all went as planned it would be the start of an easier life for Sebastian, a life where he could eat without pain and one without vomiting.

Kim was exhausted, she had dozed off a few times in the night she was grateful for the little sleep she did get. It wasn't a peaceful sleep, but it was something. She had forced down a few pieces of toast in hopes to settle her stomach. She was unbelievably nauseous, the mere thought of food was enough to make her vomit, Nicole was adamant that she eat.

She had eaten just enough to get Nicole off her back.

Now as she stood in the shower letting the hot water rain down on her back as she sobbed. She was distraught over Sebastian's surgery and the current state of her marriage, everything in her life had gone to shit.

Rarely was Voight happy to not have an active case on the books, today was different. The intelligence unit was a tight knit group, he liked to think of it as a family.

He knew where they needed to be, he corralled them in the bullpen, "I know none of you are happy to be here so early, especially on your day off. I just talked to Olinsky and little Sebastian is scheduled to have surgery" he glanced at his watch, "in just a few hours. I'd like us to be there to support Adam and Kim."

Atwater was the first to speak, "Absolutely Boss." He hoped this was beginning of things returning back to normal, that Sebastian would be healed and his best friends should find their way back to each other.

Halstead felt his stomach drop, sure he was nervous for the baby but he couldn't help but feel that shit was about to go sideways. He was already consumed with guilt and he had done nothing wrong, though that was debatable. He was keeping Upton's secret, he was guilty by association.

He grabbed her by the elbow and led her in to the break room, "We need to talk." He spoke in hushed tones until he shut the door.

"Jesus, Jay." Upton massaged her elbow, "that fucking hurt."

"Sorry" he muttered dismissively, "Have you figured out how you're going to tell Ruzek that you called Kim?"

"No." She replied, "You're such a Boy Scout, Halstead." She went to the coffee pot and began to make herself a cup, "Listen, Adam's focus is on the baby right now. I can guarantee he doesn't give two shits on how Kim found out. She's home and that's all that matters. She's got a sister, yeah?"

"Yes. You know that."

"How much do you wanna bet Adam assumes she called Kim."

Jay thought it over for a bit, "It's plausible."

"Yes. It is. So just let it go."

Halstead leaned back against the counter, "I still think you need to get out in front of this. You heard Voight out there, we are a family. You need to tell him."

"Families keep secrets, Jay." Upton stirred her coffee before dropping the spoon in the sink, the clattering of the medal causing her skin to crawl just a bit, "You worry too much."

Jay blocked her path to the door, "Tell me something, what're you going to do if Ruzek and Kim's sister talk and he questions how Kim found out? That she didn't call her?"

Upton shrugged, "Something tells me Adam will be too consumed with Sebastian's surgery to worry about anything else. How the fuck do you manage to go undercover? This is clearly eating away at you." She placed a hand on his shoulder, "Trust me Halstead. Everything will be okay."

"This isn't some UC operation. They're our coworkers. More importantly they're our friends."

"You need to stop worrying."

Adam and Kim stood on either side of Sebastian's crib, they both had slipped a hand between the bars to touch their son. Adam had ahold of a foot, while Kim held on to his tiny little hand.

Adam had cleared the room out just a few minutes ago, once the nurse had notified them that they'd be taking him downstairs shortly, he asked that their families to head downstairs to the waiting room. He wanted a few minutes alone with his son, the fear he was feeling had reached new limits. He was going to hand off his almost four month old son to a surgeon.

Kim had gotten up and followed Nicole to the door, absolutely crushed to be leaving her son. Just as she had stepped outside her heart stopped.

" _Kim..." Adam called out, "Don't. Don't go. Stay. Sebastian needs you to stay."_

 _The jubilation she felt upon being asked to stay was hard to put into words._

" _Thank you." Kim struggled to speak._

 _Adam just nodded his head._

Handing their baby off for surgery was terrifying.

Neither one felt strong enough to speak, neither knowing what to say.

The morning had been tense, they had spent the last few hours together in Sebastian's room and it felt as if the walls were closing in on them. Having their families there had helped some, Bob was doing all he could to keep it as light as possible, he shared some of his stories from his days on patrol.

Stories that they had all heard at least a dozen times before but it hadn't deterred him at all, he kept at it until Gerri had enough of it and told him to 'hush'.

Adam hadn't ventured far from Sebastian's side, he behaved as if it was just him and Sebastian in the room.

Kim wasn't much better, she was filled with nervous energy and she found it near on impossible to sit still. She was sick to her stomach, she had worked herself up into a bit of a tizzy, and had thrown up her breakfast on the drive to the hospital. Thankfully Nicole had pulled off to the shoulder in just the nick of time.

She had been pretty emotional and no one blamed her, she felt like she was starting to go off the rails a bit and reached out to Cheryl. She needed to hear Cheryl's calm steady voice, she needed to be talked off the ledge a bit.

A nurse knocked lightly on the door before opening it, "It's time to head downstairs."

Adam wiped his eyes, "Okay." He took a deep breath, "Do you think we could have just a few more minutes?"

She purse her lips, "I'm sorry. We really need to get him to the OR. You're welcome to walk with me."

Both Adam and Kim stood up, "That'd he great. Thank you. We will definitely walk with him." Adam told her, "this.." his voice cracked, "well, it's not easy."

"I know. We will take care of your sweet little man. I promise."

They walked in silence, Adam and Kim flanked the sides of the crib, Sebastian seemed to be in awe of the fluorescent lights above him, his eyes open wide and focused on the light fixtures above him.

The walk was brief, "This is it." The nurse wheeled the crib off to the side as to not block the flow of traffic, "I will give you a few moments of privacy to love on little man."

Adam blew out a long breath, "You got this buddy, I promise I will be at your side as soon as they'll let me. I love you so much little man, you've got no idea" he placed a tender kiss on Sebastian's forehead.

Kim waited until Adam stepped away, "I love you so, baby boy. Mommy hasn't been around much for you and I'm sorry I wasn't the mommy you needed me to be. I'm going to be that mommy from this moment on. I promise. I will make it up to you, Sebastian. I need you to get better okay?" She kissed him, "I love you honey."

The nurse cleared her throat, "I've got to take him in now. We will notify you as soon as the surgery is over. It should take about an hour or so from start to finish."

Adam just nodded his head, "Take care of him..please. He's my world."

The nurse patted Adam's back, "We will."

She wasted no time and was gone in a flash.

Kim was desperately trying to hold it together, it was impossible and she lost it the second the door to the OR closed.

Adam felt his heart shatter as Kim sobbed, he couldn't stand to hear her cry.

He reached out to her, she fell into his open arms and sobbed, her head tucked beneath his chin, in her clenched fists she held handfuls of his shirt

They held on to each other as tightly as they could, in that moment nothing else mattered.


	16. Unfuckingbelievable

Kim and Adam stood wrapped in each other's arms, in that moment time stood still. Kim was the first to move, she slowly started to loosen her grip letting Adam's shirt fall from fingers. She pushed her palm against his chest, "I'm sorry.." she managed to speak.

Adam felt her pull away from him, "It's okay."

Kim wiped her eyes, "This is all so hard, Adam. All of it. Everything is just so hard." She rambled, "This isn't how its supposed to be."

Wasn't that the fucking truth, Adam thought to himself and he wasn't sure how to respond or if he was even supposed to respond.

His silence was deafening, "We should go to the waiting room." Kim announced, she let her hand fall from his hip.

Adam lagged behind choosing to let her go, the tiniest voice in his head willing him to stop her and pull her back into his arms.

He ignored it, shoved his hands in his pockets and followed her towards the waiting room.

Waiting sucked.

She was never a patient person.

If she wanted something, she wanted it instantly. She needed instant gratification, birthdays and Christmases were the absolute worst as a kid. Her parents had a strict rule when it came to Christmas, she and Nicole had to remain in their respective bedrooms until one of their parents knocked on their door.

It was absolute torture.

As she grew older she was still impatient oand hated waiting but it had taken on a different spin especially once Zoe was born. She now struggled to wait until it was Christmas or a birthday to give Zoe her presents. In fact she often gave it to her weeks in advance and would end up buying something else to give to her on the actual day.

Now as she sat in the freezing waiting room it felt as if time had come to a standstill, her skin was crawling and her nerves frayed.

She was desperate for this all to be over.

Adam had found a seat off to the corner of the massive waiting room, he sat rim-rod straight, his knees bouncing up and down at lightning fast speed. He had found an imperfection on the wall opposite him and focused on it, it kept him from looking at Kim.

He could still smell her on his shirt, he could still feel her in his arms, he had held his wife in his arms and it felt right. They stood like that for a good long while, he didn't want to be the one to pull away and he hadn't.

Kim had been the one to break the spell, once again she had pulled away from him.

Adam longed to feel her in his arms again. He had run out of the room last night in a desperate attempt to get away from her. He needed to talk to someone, or rather he just needed someone to let him vent, there would be no judgement, he wouldn't be told how to feel or what he needed to do.

He had gone to Al.

Al had been his safe spot. He knew he was could speak freely, Al would just listen. Al had already said his piece and as far as Al was concerned it was done. He couldn't go to Kevin, Kevin was loyal to Kim, and Adam didn't want to drop him in the middle of their marital shit.

Going to Al had been a wise move, he left feeling a bit more in control of his emotions, the feeling of spinning out was gone.

Sadly that wasn't the case now, he wasn't handling this well.

This was killing him.

They showed up together, turning more than a few heads as they arrived. Their badges dangling from their necks and weapons holstered. You never knew when shit would jump off, they needed to be prepared to leave in an instant.

They made a beeline for Kim.

Not Al he scoped out the room and found Adam, "Hey kid."

Adam jumped up and hugged him, "You guys didn't need to come. I planned on calling you once it was over.." he paused, "but thanks for coming. It really means a lot." He appreciated that the unit showed up, but more than anything he appreciated Al showing up especially after everything that had gone done with Woods. Adam feared he'd never fall back in Al's good graces. He had risked everything for his sister and as quick as she bounced into his life she was gone, leaving a path of destruction in her wake. He knew he had to take responsibility for some of the carnage, he had made a few piss poor decisions. The first was getting onto bed with Woods and agreeing to sell out his team. Thankfully he had smartened up before he could do any serious damage.

He knew he had let both Voight and Olinsky down, and it killed him when Al shut him out. It sucked being told Atwater was going to be put up for a promotion before him, but nothing hurt more than seeing the look of disappointment in Al's eyes.

When his sister disappeared from his life it was like throwing dirt in the wound, he was willing to throw his career away for his ass half sister who wouldn't spit on him if he was on fire.

Adam knew he had to make it right, he had to prove himself all over again. He put his head down and did the work, he busted his ass on every assignment and went above and beyond. His case notes were meticulously written and he made sure to dot every _i_ and cross every _T_ , they wouldn't lose a case over his carelessness.

The night Al asked him to grab a few beers after they closed a case was akin to Christmas morning, the absolute euphoria he felt when Al handed him a beer and uttered _We're good, Kid. We're good._ It wasn't much but it was very much Al, and Adam knew in that instant he was forgiven.

Adam would be eternally grateful.

"This is where we need to be. You're family Adam," Al brought his hand to Adam's cheek, "You hanging in?"

"Barely. This is hard as hell." Adam sighed heavily, "I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest.." he dropped back down into the chair, "I swear that fucking clock hasn't changed at all, I feel like I've been waiting for hours. In my head I know it hasn't been more than twenty minutes or so but in my heart? It feels like it's been hours."

"A watched pot never boils, Ruzek." Al shrugged, "You eat yet this morning?"

"Nah. I can't. I think I'd puke." Adam chuckled nervously. He looked on as the rest of the unit sat with Kim.

Al followed Adam's line of vision, "You're doing the right thing, Adam. I'm proud of you."

Kevin wrapped her up in his arms, "I'm glad you're home." He kissed her cheek, he could feel her start to cry, "Come on now don't cry. Sebastian is a tough little homie, he's gonna be okay."

"I'm sorry, Kevin." Kim finally spoke.

"You don't need to apologize. Not to me." Kevin assured her, he pulled her back towards the chairs, "I feel like I should be apologizing to you. I didn't know you needed help, Kim. I wish I had known."

"You had no way of knowing, Kevin. Please don't think you did. I am getting help now." Kim had been masterful at hiding her struggles.

"Good. I told them.." he pointed at the rest of the team, "to give us a few minutes but they're anxious to see you." He wasn't sure what her current state of mind would be and the last thing he wanted to do was upset her even further.

"You didn't need to be here." Kim smiled a bit, "but I'm really glad you're here. It means a lot to me and I know Adam feels the same way."

Nicole was filled with anxiety, hospitals dug up so many painful memories for her. Between Zoe being injured in the bombing and her own attack, and now Sebastian's surgery and Kim's mental state, it was almost more than she could bear at the moment.

Being here had brought up some horrific memories for Nicole, memories she'd rather forget only to feel guilty for wanting to forget that awful day. She wouldn't allow herself to do so, because in wanting to forget that day she was forgetting the person who saved her daughter.

The little girl who had given Zoe the gift of life, deserved to be remembered. Nicole vowed to keep her memory alive, but in this moment it was just a bit too much. She felt herself starting fall down the rabbit hole of the 'What ifs' and that wouldn't do her any favors.

Kim was well supported at the moment, Kevin had taken up residence beside Kim providing her with a literal shoulder to cry on.

Nicole needed a change of scenery.

She approached Kim, "I'm just going to step outside for a bit, is that alright? Will you be okay?" Nicole asked her, she'd stay put if Kim needed her.

"Go ahead." Kim told her.

Kevin wrapped an arm around Kim, "I've got her." He smiled, "Take all the time you need."

"I won't be long." Nicole kissed Kim's head, "I love you."

Kim squeezed Nicole's hand, "I love you too."

"Gerri, Sweetie. Can I get you anything?" Bob asked her, he needed to feel useful he needed to do something. He was a _fixer_ and there wasn't anything he _couldn't_ fix, he was always working in his workshop, wether it be one of the cars, an appliance, or a piece of furniture. If it was broken chances are he could fix it.

Adam may have been a grown ass man, but he would always be his little boy and knowing he couldn't help him let him feeling frustrated and helpless. He couldn't make any of this better for Adam. As awful as that feeling was it was a thousand times worse when it came to Sebastian, a sweet little baby didn't deserve this.

Seeing his son terrified for his own child's life was one of the worst things he'd ever bore witness to.

"I'm okay, Bobby." Gerri reached up to pat his cheek, "What about you?"

"Fine." He replied.

"I'm proud of you." Gerri told him, "You raised an amazing man. Adam is a wonderful father." She kissed him sweetly.

"Adam is a wonderful father you're right about that. I'm not sure I get to take the credit for that. I feel like he's become the man he is in spite of my parenting." It has taken a long time for Bob to get his shit together. Adam's early years were rough, and something Bob still struggled with. Perhaps it was why he found it so easy to sympathize with Kim.

"So you weren't a perfect parent Bobby. Who is? You did the best you could at the time. Adam loves you, Sebastian loves you, and I love you. You're a good man Bob, don't sell yourself short."

"Thank you." Bob looked her in the eye, "Thank you for loving me, my boy, and my grandson. I'd be lost without you."

"No you wouldn't." Gerri replied, "You'd do just fine without me."

"I dunno."

"Well, we will never know as I have no intentions of leaving. You're it for me, Bobby Ruzek."

"Good to know."

Nicole was absolutely flabbergasted she couldn't believe what she was hearing, she had noticed them huddled together just outside the hospital doors. They appeared to be in the midst of a serious conversation and initially Nicole paid them no mind. She wanted to check in with Zoe before she went back inside, she wasn't on the phone for very long at all, no more than a few minutes.

Zoe was happy to speak to her mother but was a bit disappointed to learn that Sebastian was still in surgery and she made Nicole promise to text her once it was over. Nicole assured her she would do so, she then encouraged Zoe to have a good time with her friends.

As turned to go inside she overheard Jay as he begged Haley to talk to Adam. Nicole wasn't a nosey person by any definition of the word, it was just hard to ignore them.

"Talk to Adam about what? My brother in law is pretty stressed please don't add to it by talking about work."

Jay was stunned to see her, "Nicole, hi." He stammered a bit. "Everything okay?"

"Yes, I needed to get up and moving a bit." She explained, "Are you okay?" She suddenly felt on edge, "What's going on?"

"It's nothing." Upton spoke up, "We should get back inside."

Nicole held her hand up to stop them, "I think we need to talk. I was born at night, but not last night. What's going on?" For a long time Nicole was content to go with the flow, never feeling the need to question anything. She was never one to rock the boat, which often came at her own expense. Her marriage had been the first casualty, her ex-husband had strayed numerous time over the course of their ten year marriage.

So much had changed in the last few years, the biggest change was that she no longer let things slide.

If it felt wrong she spoke up.

"It's just work related drama." Upton stated, "Ruzek has a lot going on, we will drop it. Won't we Jay?"

"Haley..." Jay turned to her, "I can't do this. We need to tell Adam."

"Tell Adam what?" Nicole felt her heart rate skyrocket, "What the hell is going on?"

It was over, Halstead had let the genie out and there was no sense trying to shove it back in the bottle, "Kim reached out to me." Upton began, "Just after she left town, she reached out. Sent a text from a burner phone..." she saw the look of confusion on Nicole's face, "Burner phone. A phone that couldn't be traced. She asked me not to tell Adam that she had contacted me. She told me she would do that, she only gave me the number in case something happened."

"Are you serious?" Nicole asked her.

Jay jumped in, "Kim told Haley she was going to call Adam. Haley was going to tell Adam soon if Kim didn't. It just kind of spiraled, and Sebby got sick. Haley texted Kim, that's how she knew."

Nicole was aghast, "You've worked beside Adam all this time and didn't tell him? He's been a wreck, worried about Kim! We've all been beside ourselves with worry and the pair of you knew where Kim was."

"No!" Upton interrupted her, "I had no idea where she was. I had a phone number, that's it."

"Is that supposed to make it okay?" She was livid, "How could you?" She pointed at Jay, "You are one ofAdam's best friends, and you kept this from him? What the hell Jay?"

"It's not like that." Jay countered.

"Really?"

"Really. It's not so cut and dry. Its complicated." Jay reasoned, he knew Nicole wasn't buying it. Not that he blamed her, he wasn't buying it either. "Really fucking complicated."

Haley piped up, "Kim didn't want me to tell Adam. She was going to do it. I told Jay, I made him promise he wouldn't say anything. Kim trusted me."

Nicole took deep breath and blew it out slowly, desperate to calm that rage that was building in her gut. She knew Adam wanted to know how Kim found out that Sebastian was sick, he deserved to know but did he need to know right now?

She was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Adam couldn't take it anymore, he felt as if the walls were closing in on him.

Adam found his Pops, "Hey..I need some air. I'll be outside." They had heard from a nurse that the team was just finishing up, he knew it would be at least another forty minutes or so before he could see Sebastian, "I will be right back."

Bob nodded, "Okay. Don't go far, okay?"

"I won't."

"I can't believe this.." Nicole pressed her fingers into her temples, "Adam doesn't need this now...neither does Kim." She knew shit would hit the fan once Adam knew, he was going to be furious.

Nicole began to make her way back inside, both Jay and Haley on her heels.

"Hey..Nicole.." Adam grabbed her arm, "What's wrong?"

Jay and Haley stopped on a dime, "Adam..." Jay feared the chickens were coming home to roost and it wasn't going to be pretty.

"Why don't you ask your friend?" Adam followed Nicole's icy glare.

"Nicole?" Adam felt his heart beat just a little faster "What the hell is going on?"

"It's just a misunderstanding Adam, it's nothing. Is the surgery over?" Haley asked him.

Adam looked between Nicole, Jay, and Haley, "Feels like it's more than that, you okay Nic?" Her hands were trembling and her voice had a tinny sound to it.

"No. I'm not Adam." She glared at Jay and Haley, "You were wondering how Kim learned Sebastian was sick, well ask them."

Adam furrowed his brow, "Wait...what?"

"Haley called Kim. She knew where Kim was." Nicole's voice cracked, "She knew. Jay knew. Yet no one had the decency to tell you." She felt the first tears fall from her eyes, "They are supposed to have your back.."

Adam's head was spinning, "What?" He ran his hands through his hair, "Are you fucking serious?"

Jay stepped between Adam and Haley, "Listen Ruzek, it wasn't like that. Haley promised Kim she wouldn't say anything."

"You knew?" Adam practically whispered, "You knew where my wife was?" His voice was low as he spoke, he inched closer towards Haley, "You fucking knew?"

"Adam..." Jay placed his hands up to hold him back, "Just take a breath, man. Hear her out. Let her explain."

"Hear her out?" Adam's gut was filled with fury, he was no longer quiet, "You want me to fucking hear her out?"

"Lower your voice Adam." Jay noticed a crowd beginning to form, "We are in a hospital man."

"No shit." Adam roared, "My son is in surgery! I can't believe this. Fuck!" He crouched down and rested on his heels hunched over a bit as he tried to calm his racing heart, he bolted upright, "You knew too..didn't you? Of course you did. You're her fucking partner. I can't believe this..."

"I wanted to tell you. I hated keeping it from you...but..."

"Don't. Don't make up some bullshit excuse. Just save your fucking breath.." Adam screamed.

Al's had been flipping through a magazine when he heard it, it was unmistakable.

It was Adam, and he was angry.

Rarely did Adam lose his shit but when he did it could get ugly.

"Atwater..lets go." Al ordered, both he and Kevin darted towards the yelling.

"I told Kim she had to tell..that if she didn't I would!" Haley yelled, "I didn't know where she was. I had a phone number, Adam. That's it."

Adam scoffed, "Is that supposed to make it okay?"

"Kim..."

"Don't..." Adam waved her off, "Don't try and defend your actions. What you did is indefensible. I had no idea where my wife was, if she was safe. I was terrified that I was going to get a knock on the door..." Adam erupted, his voice wobbling with emotion as he yelled, "I was scared shitless and you had a way to contact her and you didn't have the guts to tell me." He turned to Jay, "And you...you went along with it." He got in Jay's face, "You've got no idea how pissed I am..." he jammed his index finger into Jay's chest, "you bastard..."

"Don't do this Ruzek. You're angry. I get it..but don't do this." He took a step backwards, "don't make this bigger that it is..don't do something stupid..."

"Fuck you Halstead" Adam shoved him.

Kevin had just rounded the corner and raced to grab ahold of Adam, "Woah!" Atwater grabbed a hold of Adam, "Calm down man." Kevin was as strong as an ox and typically he'd easily subdue Adam, but not today.

"Get the fuck off me!" Adam fought against Kevin's hold, "Let me go!"

"Nah, Ruz. I can't do that." He told him, "I need you to calm down man. It's Halstead. I can't let you at him, he's our brother."

"Did you know?" Adam asked Kevin.

"Know what?" Kevin asked pushing Adam away from Jay.

"That bitch called Kim. She knew where Kim was, so did he!" He pointed at Jay.

"I know you're pissed but you need to watch your mouth." Jay warned Adam "We didn't know where Kim was, Upton had a phone number that's it."

Adam laughed a bit, "Fuck. Is that supposed to make me feel better?" He rolled his eyes, "You're just trying to make yourself and that bitch feel better. You can both fuck off.."

Jay held his hands up, "You need to stop talking. I won't let you talk to Haley like that. She didn't set out to hurt you..."

"You screwing her?" Adam pushed Kevin aside and went back at Halstead.

"Come on man, lets go sit down." Kevin was desperate to reign him in.

"This unreal!" Adam roared, "unfuckingbelievable."

"Adam, I was going to tell you. I was just giving Kim some time to do it." Haley reasoned, "She just needed some time."

"I don't give a fuck what she needed! I needed to know where my wife was, if she was okay!" Adam explained, "But you didn't give two shits about that did you?"

"Adam that's enough." Jay placed his hand on Adam's chest.

Adam angrily swiped his hand away, "Don't fucking touch me..."

"Ruzek..." Jay was being pushed to his limit, he was doing his best to keep it together he knew Adam was dealing with a lot but he could only take so much.

"Come on fellas.." Kevin attempted to play the peacemaker, "Let's all just take a breath."

Gerri squeezed Kim's hand, "Isn't that the nurse?"

Kim nodded, "Yes. That's her. You need to call Adam." She knew he had gone out for some air, "the surgery must be over."

 ** _My sincere apologies on being slow as shit in updating the story, I'm really struggling with it. I will see it through to the end, but it may take awhile to get there. Just be patient with me please._**


	17. Me Too

_**I'm just trying to survive**_

 _ **What if what you do to survive**_

 _ **Kills the things you love**_

 _ **Fear's a powerful thing**_

 _ **It can turn your heart black you can trust**_

 _ **It'll take your God filled soul**_

 _ **And fill it with devils and dust**_

 _ **Devils and Dust**_

 _ **Bruce Springsteen**_

Kim bolted out of her seat and made the nurse halfway, "It's over? Is my baby okay?" Her voice shook as she spoke, she felt Bob place his hand on the small of her back.

"The Surgery is complete. Sebastian is in recovery, he's stable. Let's head to the conference room, the doctor will meet us and he will discuss everything with you then." The nurse hated this part of her job, especially when the patient was a child. She wished she could tell the parents their child was doing well and that there'd been no complications but she couldn't. She couldn't tell them anything and she knew they always feared the worst.

"He's okay though, right? Please tell me my baby is okay?" Kim begged her.

"He is." The nurse patted her arm.

Gerri grabbed Kim's hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, "Bob, call Adam. Let him know the surgery is over."

"On it." Bob pulled his phone out and sent a quick text decided against calling him, "I will send a text."

"Calm down, kid." Al patted his cheek, "they fucked you over for sure, but that's not important right now. Your boy, he is what matters."

Adam nodded his head, his heart rate finally starting to slow down, he grabbed his phone from his back pocket quickly reading the text, "It's my father, Sebastian's out of surgery."

"Go." Al told him, "Call me, let me know how he's doing."

They had followed the nurse down the hall to a small conference room, she opened the door and waved them in, "The doctor will be here shortly." She smiled warmly at Kim.

The room felt stuffy, she could feel beads of sweating dotting her hairline, she stole a quick glance at Adam and he stood in the corner his attention focused on his feet. She wanted him to hold her, to tell her that everything would be okay, that they'd be okay.

"They sure do take their time, don't they?" Gerri twisted the bracelet on her wrist, "it's always hurry up and wait. They have little consideration for.." her voice cracking a bit, "...I am sorry. I just want to see my sweet grandson."

"Soon. You'll see him soon. That little guy is a strong one, I know he is just fine." Bob reassured her before placing a sweet kiss on her forehead.

"Adam, you should sit down." Bob pointed to the vacant chair next to Kim.

Adam scowled, "I'm good here." He used his foot to push himself off the wall, "this fucking doctor needs to hurry the fuck up."

Kim flinched at Adam's words, she was used to his frequent ' _F-bombs_ ' he had a filthy mouth on the best of days, what was unsettling her the most was the iciness in his voice. He sounded so cold and detached, his body language was just as cold.

He was angry.

"Adam, really? Could you at least try to watch your language." Bob was annoyed by his son's crass language.

The door finally creaked open, "Surgery was a success. There weren't any complications, we were able to do it all laparoscopically like we discussed. He's going to have some bruising and swelling, but it should be minimal. We will see how it goes and discuss discharging him in the next few days." He smiled at them, "They're just getting him settled in his room, the nurse will come get you as soon as they're finished."

"Thank you." Adam shook the doctor's hand, "I feel like I can breathe again."

Olinsky followed Halstead and Upton upstairs and waited until they sat down, "You two want to fill me in on what went down just now." He was fuming, "Tell me why you thought keeping this from Ruzek was your best option?"

Halstead felt like a kid being scolded by the principal, Olinsky didn't yell he remained on an even keel and his voice was as calm and steadying as ever. It was his eyes and body language that alerted them to just how angry he was with them.

"It's not a big deal." Upton started, "Kim sent me a text last week. Said she needed some time away, she gave me a number to call if something happened to Adam. That's all." She told him. "I called her when we heard Sebastian had been admitted into the hospital, she never answered so I texted her. Multiple times. I won't apologize for that, it was the right thing to do. Kim needed to know."

Al nodded his head, "You?" He turned to Halstead, "When did you find out?"

"A day or two later." Jay responded.

"Neither one of you thought to clue Ruzek in?"

"Kim specifically asked that I didn't tell Adam. She said she would." Upton reasoned, "I then asked Jay not to tell him. I hadn't planned on telling Jay, it just kind of happened." She genuinely felt bad for Adam but she wasn't going to apologize for keeping it from him. She did as Kim had asked her to do, "As for not telling Adam, I did what Kim asked me to do."

"Kim is sick. She wasn't in her right mind...but you..." he paused, he pointed at her, "..you shouldn't have kept that from Adam. You could've come to me with it."

"You would've gone right to Ruzek. Kim asked for time and then she was going to reach out to him."

"You're right. I would have because he needed to know."

Waiting to be brought to Sebastian's room was painful, Kim nearly ran the nurse over when she finally arrived, the elevator was slow as shit.

Kim was desperate to get to her son, she needed to see him with her own eyes, she needed to touch him. She couldn't wait to kiss his little cheeks and run her fingers through his hair.

They finally arrived at Sebastian's room, "You can go on in." The nurse smiled, "he's doing well, he's still pretty groggy and will be for some time. You can touch him, just don't pick him up. He's a bit bloated but that will dissipate over the next few hours."

"Okay." Kim mumbled through her tears, "how's his pain level?" Kim glanced over her shoulder at the nurse. She hated to think of him in pain, she lightly touched the bandage covering his abdomen, "mommy's here..." she whispered as she placed a feathery light kiss on his hand.

"We are keeping him comfortable. He's not in pain at the moment." She explained, "I will be right outside. Don't hesitate to use the call button if you need us."

"Thank you."

They sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, they sat on opposite sides of the crib. Kim had a hold of Sebastian's arm, while Adam held onto his foot.

"You hate me." Kim suddenly blurted out, "I'm sorry Adam."

"Yep." Adam's reply was barely audible, he didn't look at her.

He couldn't look at her.

Kim shook her head in defeat, "I'm getting help Adam. I'm seeing a counselor, I found a support group."

"Okay."

"Okay?" Kim sighed a bit, she smoothed over the medical tape that had started to curl a bit near Sebastian's IV, "Tell me what you're thinking. Please." She begged him.

"I don't think now is the time." Adam replied.

"Maybe not but we need to talk." Kim told him, "If you don't want to talk that's fine. You can listen."

"When I left that night, I felt as if it was my only option. I didn't trust myself around Sebastian" her voice shook with emotion, "I was living in this fog. I could barely function some days. You were never home..."

Adam spoke up, "Don't. Don't you dare lay the blame at my feet. I was working! I was busting my ass day in and day out."

Kim flinched at his sudden movement, "I know you were working. You were working eighteen hours a day. You never had a lot free time when you did come home, you always spent as much time as you could with Sebastian. I'm so grateful..."

"He's my son." His retort was bitter, "He needed me."

"I had to get out. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt our son. I had to leave." She grabbed a tissue and dabbed at her eyes, "It was the hardest thing I ever did."

Adam bit back the lump in his throat, "You called Upton."

Kim hung her had, "I did."

"You bought a burner phone. Made sure you had plenty of cash. You prepared for this." Adam moved to stand at the window, "I was terrified for you, do you know that? I was worried about you, I tried to find you. You didn't give a shit though..did you?"

"Yes I did! I cried constantly. I was sick to my stomach. I know I hurt you but I had to do it that way."

"No you didn't!" Adam snapped, "You took the easy way out!"

"No...no...no.." Kim replied, "none of what I did was easy! It was the hardest thing I have ever done." Kim continued.

Adam scoffed, "You wanna Know the hardest thing I ever did?" He jumped up from his chair, "Not knowing where the fuck you were. For all I knew you were lying dead in some ditch.." he nearly choked on the words

"We shouldn't be discussing this now, not in front of Sebastian." Kim told him.

Adam rolled his eyes, "Now you don't want to talk about it? The truth fucking hurts, doesn't it?" He slammed his hand on the table, causing Kim to flinch, "you're okay talking about it when you're telling me how I'm wrong, how hard things have been for you." He scoffed, "It's your turn to listen!" He began to pace, "Not once did you think to come to me.." his lip quivered the tiniest bit, "..what did I do to make you hate me?"

He was heartbroken.

Kim had managed to keep it together for the most part, until now. She heard the wobble in his voice and then watched as his lip quivered and she lost it. She began to cry, her entire body raked with sobs, "I hate you!" She screamed, "I hate that you are happy! I hate that our son loves you!" She unloaded on him.

"I hated that you got to live your life, nothing changed for you! You still went to work, you were happy and I was miserable! I felt trapped in our house, held hostage. I didn't go to you because I didn't want you to know! I hated our baby, Adam! I hated him.." she pointed to Sebastian, she had tears pouring from her eyes, "I didn't want you to know, you thought I was a good mom, you'd tell anyone that would listen that I was..you believed in me and I didn't want to let you down. I didn't want you to know that I wasn't a good mom, I was a horrible mother..." She buried her face in her hands briefly, "I failed you and I failed Sebastian. I wasn't the mother he deserved...I'm not the wife you deserved."

Adam had stopped pacing, her outburst had left him stunned.

Kim continued to cry as she returned to her chair, she held Sebastian's hand in hers and watched as he slept soundly, completely oblivious to what had just gone down between his parents.

As the minutes passed, Kim's cries tapered off her breathing slowly returned to normal.

Adam twisted the wedding ring on his finger, "You should've come to me.."he spoke softly, "I didn't know there was anything wrong.." he admitted, "You should've told me, why didn't you tell me?" He was despondent, "I love you. No matter what I love you. You're my wife, I vowed to love you in sickness..in health. The good times and the bad times." Adam's voice cracked as he spoke, "I meant every word of those vows, Kim."

Kim looked up at him, "I know you did. Adam, I was scared."

"Of me?" Adam asked her.

"No. Never." Kim quickly told him, "I was scared of myself and what I would do." Kim wanted to reach out and touch him, she didn't dare touch him she couldn't bare to be rejected.

"And now?"

"I'm still scared. I'm scared that I've ruined everything," Kim admitted, "I'm scared that I've lost you..." Kim started to cry again, "...I am terrified that I ruined our marriage."

Adam hung his head, "Me too..."

 _ **My apologies on the delay in getting this chapter posted, thankfully the end is near, very near. I appreciate all of you that have stuck with me on this one, I know how much it sucks to wait forever and a day for a new chapter.**_

 _ **I'm beyond grateful to a fellow writer for all the insight and suggestions on this one, without your help this story would be dead in the water.**_


	18. Thank You

_**We swore we'd travel darlin' side by side**_

 _ **We'd help each other stay in stride**_

 _ **But each lover's steps fall so differently**_

 _ **But I'll wait for you**_

 _ **And if I should fall behind**_

 _ **Wait for me**_

 _ **If I Should Fall Behind by Bruce Springsteen**_

Kim bounced on the balls of her feet as she waited for the teenager behind the counter to box up her order, she was already running a few minutes late and the line that wrapped around the block didn't help matters. The bakery was relatively new to Chicago but had taken off like gangbusters, it was definitely worth the wait.

Of course she wouldn't have been late to begin with had she not stopped in to see Sebastian on the way over. Once she learned he had spent the night with Adam's dad she was done for, she had to stop in and see him.

He had come so far in the months since his surgery, he was just shy of his first birthday and he was growing like a weed.

Sebastian's surgery had gone exactly as they had hoped, he recovered in no time and quickly packed on the pounds, he was discharged within a few days. It was as if a switch had been flipped, and it was essentially what had happened.

"Here you go." He held up the box for to take, "Have a good one."

"Thanks. You too," Kim smiled as she took the box from him.

She was going to be late, it was inevitable. She set the box on the front seat and dug around in her purse for her cell phone, once she found it she discovered she had received a text. As she pulled it up, she couldn't keep the smile off her face.

It was a video.

" _Say it buddy. Say Mama" Bob coached him, "I know you can do it."_

 _Sebastian held a ball tightly in his hand and brought it to his mouth a few times before dropping it, "Ma..." he babbled, "..Ma..mama...mama..mama..." he chanted._

 _Gerri brought his hand to his mouth, "Blow mama a kiss." She helped him, "Have a great day Kim! Sebastian loves you so much, so do we."_

Kim fired off a quick text thanking them for the video. She would be forever grateful for their love and support, especially Bob's she knew it had initially made things a bit tense for he and Adam.

Eventually the tension between Bob and Adam dissipated, they had gone out for a drink and hashed it out. Adam knew he needed to let it go, Sebastian needed all the family he could tension between her and Adam? That was still going strong. She feared things would never get better between them.

Kim moved out of the house she shared with Adam just days after Sebastian was discharged, Nicole had invited her to move in. Zoe was thrilled to have Kim living with them and enjoyed the weekends Sebastian stayed with them.

Adam had made it crystal clear that Kim was not to be left alone with Sebastian, that he would never keep her away from Sebastian but he had 'rules'. Nicole wasn't pleased with him and his list of demands but promised Kim she wouldn't say anything.

Kim was bound and determined to do whatever Adam asked.

They both sat down in Bob's kitchen and worked out a visitation schedule, with Adam maintaining primary and physical custody. Kim would have Sebastian every other weekend, and one night during the week. They hammered out where Sebastian would spend his days when they were both working and what would happen in the event of Adam going undercover. It was decided that Bob and Gerri would pick up the slack, and that Kim was welcome to visit with Sebastian whenever he was with them.

Kim took full advantage of that and spent many nights in their guest room.

She had very little contact with Adam. They'd both go to doctor appointments and both had input when it came to any decisions regarding his health. They both agreed to put Sebastian's needs before their own and that they would put their issues aside in order to be co-parents.

Kim wanted more.

Kim loved Adam with her entire soul and she was going to fight for him. She wasn't going to give up on him or on their marriage.

While she wasn't going to give up on her marriage she was careful to not lose sight of her mental health and focused on staying on top of her recovery.

A big part of her recovery was her support group, counseling, and her latest endeavor.

As she looked at her phone she realized she was super late for a planning meeting. She was meeting Cheryl and a small group of friends to give her big event another once over before the big day.

She had thrown herself into setting up a local postpartum depression support group, she had done wonders with it in just the last few weeks and this was her first event. She needed to get the group's name out there and she wanted women to know there were resources available to them.

Kim had found the police department to be a great source of advertisement, she had seen fliers and pamphlets all over the 21st and she knew it had been promoted at other districts including Bob's stomping grounds. When she was in the thick of it she had felt so alone and she never wanted another woman to feel as she did, nor did she want anyone else to lose what she had lost.

She hoped the picnic was just the beginning of many events. She had reached out to multiple businesses and was blown away by the response. There'd be plenty of vendors, various other charities, and plenty of games and activities for kids of all ages. It was definitely a family event, and she hoped it would bring awareness to postpartum depression.

Kevin tossed the bagel to Adam, "Don't say I never buy you anything." He opened his laptop and starting scrolling through his email, "what's popping?"

Adam took a massive bite of the bagel, "Nothing.." His response garbled and crumbs falling from his mouth, he quickly brushed them off the desk.

"Shit. Don't get me wrong man..I'm glad the city is calm but it's boring as fuck." Kevin grumbled, they had gone nearly two weeks without a significant case.

"I for one enjoy the downtime, I get to hang with my boy." Adam chugged what was left of his coffee, "Voight mentioned that Missing Persons might be asking us to assist on a case but we haven't heard anything yet."

"I guess I'll take advantage of the quiet then. How's little man doing?"

"He's good. He's got three teeth now, and he's trying to walk." Adam beamed with pride, "Check him out..." he pulled up a video on his phone and sat on the edge of Kevin's desk, "He's growing up so fast, I can't believe it. He'll be one in a matter of weeks." He sighed heavily, "My boy is amazing Kev, he's the coolest kid, tough as nails too."

Kevin clapped his buddy on the back, "Of course he is. Look at who his parents are. He's from good stock." He took a chance, "How're things..." he paused as he deliberated even asking him, "...you know between you and Kim?"

Adam took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, "Kevin, I can't. We are Sebastian's parents. That's it."

"Bullshit." Kevin rollled his eyes, "Bullshit. You love her and she loves you."

Adam ran his hands through his hair, "I do love her. I always will. I can't be with her." He returned to his desk and tried to focus his attention on a menial task.

"Can't? Or won't?" Kevin asked him "there's a difference", he didn't stick around to hear Adam's reply. He didn't need to hear it, he already knew the answer. He knew Adam was keeping his distance from Kim and he knew why. Adam was still head over heels in love with Kim

He knew they were both miserable, everyone knew it.

"I'm sorry I'm late." Kim announced. They had been meeting monthly for a bit now, it was just a small group of women. Women who had become Kim's closet friends, women who had all battled postpartum depression, well all except one.

One of the women, Denise she didn't suffer from postpartum depression but her husband Trevor had and it had been rough for them for awhile. If it was hard for a woman to get help it was exponentially harder for a man to get help. It had nearly ruined Denise and Trevor's marriage, but through hard work they found their footing again.

Knowing that both Denise and Cheryl had been able to save their respective marriages gave Kim hope for her and Adam and only strengthened her will.

They had all grown close and these monthly meet ups took place at a different home each month. It started off as just a way to keep tabs on each other and make sure everyone was good, and if someone was struggling they provided a listening ear or a shoulder to cry. It had grown to so much more, they'd become like sisters.

Kim had cried on those shoulders more times than she could count or liked to admit.

"Are these from Delliano's?" Cheryl asked when she took the box from Kim.

"They are, and it was packed and that's why I'm late." Kim grabbed a drink from the fridge, "Well, that's not entirely true, I was at my in laws visiting with them and Sebastian." She hated leaving him, he was dealing with some serious separation anxiety and had to be peeled off of her, "He was just bawling his eyes out, I was as well but I made it to the car before I lost it."

Cheryl hugged her, "Honey, I know that must've been hard for you."

"It was awful." She pulled her phone from her purse, "they sent me this and I think I watched twenty times before I could pull myself together enough to drive."

They gathered round and watched the video of Sebastian finally saying _Mama_.

Cheryl wiped her eyes, "I'm such a sensitive Sally, I cry over everything, I know but that is one sweet baby, Kim. I can't wait to meet him and snuggle with all that sugar." She was an empty nester her children were grown and on their own and she couldn't wait until she would become a grandmother. "Please tell me he will be at the picnic?"

Kim shrugged, "I doubt it. It's Adam's weekend." She was disappointed that he wouldn't be there but she knew it was probably for the best. She'd be pulled in a thousand different directions,having Sebastian there would only on add more stress to what was going to be a stressful day.

"We will meet him soon, right?" Denise asked, "We've all got baby fever. Our babies aren't babies anymore. I've got pre-teens and they're no fun at all. They smell and they've got such attitudes lately. I just want my sweet babies back. Not these monsters." She laughed.

"Yes, Soon. I'd love for all of you to meet Sebastian."

The group talked about their families and the latest on goings in their lives for a long time before getting down to business and ironing out the last few details for the picnic.

Kim groaned as the alarm went off, she felt as if she had only just drifted off to sleep. The last few weeks had been a blur, it was finally the big day and she had to do list as long as her arm.

"You're all set?" Nicole poked her head in Zoe's bedroom, "It's almost time to leave."

"I just need twenty minutes Mom." Zoe had showered the night before and had laid out her outfit before she went to bed. "I just need to do my make up and hair and then I am ready. Is Aunt Kim up yet?"

Nicole had heard the shower turn on just an hour or so earlier, "She is. She hasn't come downstairs yet."

"I want to see her surprised face when she finds out we're going with her." Zoe had jumped all over the idea of attending the picnic when Nicole mentioned it, "Do you think Uncle Adam and Sebastian will go?"

Nicole scrunched her face up a bit, "No." she replied sadly, "I don't think so."

"That stinks. Does he still love her? Or will they get a divorce like you and dad did?"

"Oh, baby." Nicole hugged her daughter, "I don't know. I do know that Uncle Adam loves her and Sebastian. It's just complicated right now,"

"Do you think he still loves me?" Zoe asked.

"Your dad?" Her ex husband had plenty of faults but he was a good father, "Of course he loves you."

"No. Not dad. Uncle Adam. Does he still love me?" Zoe adored Adam.

"Absolutely. You're his favorite girl." Nicole reassured her, Adam had been amazing for Zoe after Nicole's attack.

"Well this is a lovely surprise." Gerri greeted Adam with a hug, "I didn't think we'd see you today."

"Something came up." Adam explained, "Do you think you could keep Sebastian for a few hours?"

"As if you have to ask. I'd love to keep him." Gerri laughed as Sebastian lunged into her open arms.

"I don't know if you've got plans or anything but I figured I'd leave the car seat. That picnic is today. I think it'd be nice if Sebastian went."

"Oh, Adam.." she reached out for his hand, "What a lovely idea. Kim will love that." She squeezed his hand, "Perhaps you should take him. I think that'd be nice."

Adam shook his head, "No. I can't."

"You're up early" Kim commented as she kissed the top of Zoe's head, "and dressed as well. You know there's no school today, right?" She teased.

"We are going out, me and mom." Zoe told her, "we are going to the picnic, we want to help you."

Kim was overcome with emotion, it didn't take much to have her in tears lately. "Seriously?" She pulled her into her arms, "You've no idea how much it means to me. How happy it makes me."

"You're crying though.." Zoe pointed out.

"I'm pretty sure those are happy tears." Nicole had been eavesdropping from the hallway. All of this had been Zoe's idea, she was proud of her for wanting to help out.

Their family had been through so much over the last few years, they had shed buckets of tears but it had brought them closer together.

"I'm so proud of you Kim. I'm so proud to be your big sister." She enveloped Kim in a bear hug, "I love you."

"I love you too!" Kim whispered in her ear, "thank you for all you've done for me lately. Thank you for letting me stay here and for being an amazing aunt to Sebastian."

Kim finally arrived at the park with Nicole and Zoe in tow, and was thrilled with how it all came together, there were multiple bounce houses, face painting, and other activities for kids. She had at least a dozens of vendors selling items, all of those things were a nice addition to the day but what she was thrilled about the most was the turn out of mental health officials, and more than a handful of various other support groups from different locations in Chicago.

As the day went on the crowd grew in exponentially in size, the turn out was far better than she could've imagined.

Cheryl stood beside her, "You did this, Kim. You have brought all these people together." She wrapped an arm around her, "I'm so proud of you. You've come so far."

Kim blushed a bit, "Yet not far enough." The tiniest hint of sadness in her voice, "I will get there though. I won't stop until I do."

"You will. Don't forget that Rome wasn't built in a day." Cheryl hugged her, "It's not going to happen overnight but I know you will get there. There isn't a doubt in my mind. Now, come sit down and eat."

Kim chuckled, "I know. I know. Patience is hard for me. I just want my life back, you know? My life before postpartum."

Cheryl sighed a bit, "Honey, you'll never have _that_ life back, and that's okay. This new life you have is pretty spectacular in its own right. You've battled demons no one should have to encounter and you came out of it stronger than ever. The rest will fall into place, you just need to give it some time."

"Where would I be without you? My rock. My person. My light in the darkness." She welled up with tears, "You've got no idea how much you mean to me. I don't think I could ever put it into words."

"Stop.." She fanned her face, "you're going to make me cry." She giggled softly, "Again." She had shed more than a few tears already, she was beyond proud of her. She had taken Kim under her wing and their bond was almost instantaneous, "You're giving me too much credit, you would've found your way without me."

"Maybe but I'm sure as hell happy I didn't have to." Kim hugged her tightly, "I love you Cheryl." She pulled back from her, "Now let's stop all this crying and eat." She laughed.

"That's a wonderful plan." Cheryl was so proud of the woman that stood before her.

"Now let's find your mama, sweet boy" Gerri was thankful that Adam had the foresight to leave the stroller when he dropped the baby off. The parking lot was packed, she managed to grab a spot at the back of the lot, carrying Sebastian all that way wouldn't have been easy.

She had hoped to arrive earlier but Sebastian had other plans, typically he slept for an hour or so in the morning but he ended up sleeping for close to three hours. She hoped the long nap would serve him well, she smiled upon seeing the turnout.

It wasn't easy to find Kim amongst the crowd, she asked a few volunteers and they were quick to point her out and it was Sebastian who saw her first. He started screeching and squealing his hands flailing excitedly, it was precious to see him so excited to see Kim.

Kim's head turned at the familiar screech, she'd know it anywhere. It was her baby boy, she grinned, "Sebastian is here!" She set her plate on the table and took off towards him and her mother in law.

"Well, this is the best surprise ever!" Kim hugged Gerri quickly before lifting Sebastian out of the stroller, "Is everything okay? Not that I'm not thrilled you're both here..it's just it's Adam's weekend."

"Adam had some errands to run, he asked if I'd keep Sebastian. He also reminded me about this...Kim, this is amazing. You've done an amazing job."

"I had a lot of help." Kim led her towards the table, "Come on, I would love for you to meet everyone."

It wasn't long before Sebastian was being passed around the group, the women were smitten with him and he ate it up.

Kim would've loved for him to stay longer but as the afternoon wound down she needed to shift her attention to her speech to close out the day. As much fun as today had been it was a serious matter and she hosted the event to raise not only awareness but funds as well.

She kissed her baby multiple times before finally handing him over to Gerri, "Thank you so much for bringing him, you've got no idea how much it meant to have him here."

"Oh, I think I do, it was written all over your face. Don't thank me though, this was all Adam. It was his idea." It had given Gerri hope that Adam was starting to let go of the anger he had where Kim was concerned.

"He didn't want to come though." Kim felt a bit dejected.

"He's hurt, and angry." Gerri told her, "He's angry with you but more than anything he's angry with himself. Kim, he feels like he failed you." She hated how broken he was, "He will come around, I know he will. Today was a big step in the right direction."

Kim somehow made it through her speech without puking, public speaking wasn't one of her strong suits and she hated it. It was important that she spoke, she needed to be a voice for the voiceless. She spoke about it all, she held nothing back, it was hard as hell speaking about how she feared she'd harm Sebastian.

Once she finished her speech she ended up speaking to a few local businesses owners about donations and it held her up a bit, which left Cheryl and the rest of her friends with cleaning up.

"Ugh, I'm sorry. I hate that you all had to deal with the mess." Kim apologized, "All the planning for weeks on end and in the blink of an eye...it's over. It's wild."

"It's just like a wedding." Cheryl laughed, "I tell you what, I'm going to sleep well tonight. I'm absolutely exhausted."

"Thanks for keeping him" Adam pushed his plate to the side, "dinner was amazing as always."

"Stop you know I love spending time with Sebastian. He's my favorite person." She nudged Bob with her elbow, "It's why I'm still with this old lug."

"Funny." Bob deadpanned, "You're not telling me anything I didn't already know." He went right back at her.

"You should've seen it, Adam. Kim did an amazing job today. The crowd was insane, they had to open up the overflow parking lot."

Adam nodded his head.

Kim was looking forward to a good soak in the tub, her body was sore and her mind exhausted. She needed to check out for a bit, she turned her phone on silent and grabbed her book and settled in for a relaxing soak.

"You have fun today, man?" Adam asked Sebastian. This had become the routine, Sebastian would have his last bottle before bed and Adam would talk to him, "GiGi told me your mommy did a good job today but what GiGi doesn't know is I already knew that." He kissed his head, laughing lightly as he started to doze off, the bottle falling from his lips a line of milk dribbling down his chin, he continued to speak. "I knew cause I was there. I'm proud of your mommy, I'm just not ready yet."

These conversations had become Adam's favorite part of the night time routine, Adam spoke to him all the time and the topic of conversation varied, sometimes it was about sports or the job and other times it was about Kim. Truth be told nine times out of ten Adam spoke about Kim, he could talk about her for hours on end.

He finally laid Sebastian in his crib and double checked that the monitor was on before pulling the door closed.

He grabbed his phone off the charger and extended an olive branch.

Kim felt rejuvenated, she had already decided to send a text out to her circle of friends to thank them all for all their help and support. She was surprised to see a text from Adam and for a hot second her heart was in her throat fearing something was wrong.

Only to discover there was nothing wrong, in fact for the first time in a long time everything felt right, very right.

 _I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you. You did great today, you're a wonderful mom I hope you know that. Sebastian loves you. Have a good night_.

Tears ran unchecked down her cheeks, she was overjoyed by the simple message. Kim wasn't sure if she needed to reply not did she know what to say but she couldn't ignore it.

She replied with a very simple _Thank You_.

There was so much more she wanted to say but held back. She then fired off the text to her friends and for the first time in a long time slept soundly.


	19. North Star

_**There's no one in town I know**_

 _ **You gave us some place to go**_

 _ **I never said thank you for that**_

 _ **I thought I might get one more chance**_

 _ **What would you think of me now**_

 _ **So lucky, So strong, So proud?**_

 _ **I never said thank you for that**_

 _ **Now I'll never have a chance**_

 _ **May angels lead you in**_

 _ **Hear you me my friends**_

 _ **On sleepless roads, the sleepless go**_

 _ **May angels lead you in**_

 _ **So what would you think of me now**_

 _ **So lucky, So strong, So proud?**_

 _ **I never said thank you for that**_

 _ **Now I'll never have a chance**_

 _ **Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World**_

She was still riding a high, walking on air almost. She had read the text message at least a thousand times since last night, each time she read it her heart raced and warmth flooded over her.

She smiled just thinking about it.

It was the first time he had texted her for something that wasn't related to visitation or an update on Sebastian. He was reaching out to her, he was proud of her. She was down right giddy.

She busied herself in the kitchen, she had an abundance of energy and she needed to channel it somewhere.

Breakfast.

Zoe was pulled out of her bed by the aroma of bacon as it wafted throughout the house. She was up and dressed in no time, Nicole often wondered where the girl put all the food she devoured. The girl could out eat anyone and she just barely weighed a hundred pounds.

"Bacon!" Zoe cheered, "I'm starving!"

Kim grabbed a hold of her face and kissed each cheek, "Bacon and French toast. I hope you're hungry."

"I am so hungry." Zoe started to set the table, "You're Happy, really happy."

"I am." Kim smiled, "it's a new day, a good day."

He was waiting for someone to tell him it had been a mistake, it had to be a mistake. She was healthy, she was a runner. She ate all the right foods, she took her vitamins. It just wasn't possible. His heart had shattered into a million jagged little pieces. He was never going to be the same, nothing would. He didn't know what to do next, he didn't know how to go on without her.

He lifted his phone off the small table he needed to start making phone calls, he wasn't sure he'd be able to say it out loud.

Nicole was startled awake, music blared throughout the house and she could just barely make out very off key singing as she descended the stairs, she stopped dead in her tracks in the doorway of the kitchen and as Kim and Zoe danced about. It was absolutely hilarious to witness, they used spatulas as microphones and they sang their hearts out. It was such a lighthearted moment a stark contrast in comparison to the last few months.

It felt really good to smile.

"Where was my invite?" Nicole teased, "You know I love a good dance party. What's up?" She ignore the current disheveled state of her kitchen.

"Bacon." Zoe held up a strip, "Isn't that enough?"

"Adam sent a text last night, and it was different. Normally when he sends a text it's about visitation or a doctor's appointment. This wasn't like that, ." She was absolutely beaming, "it's just put me in a good mood, a really good mood."

"Oh, Kim. That's wonderful." Nicole hugged her, "Can I ask what he said?"

"He's proud of me. He said I was a wonderful mother and that Sebastian loves me." Kim showed it to her, "It's the first time he's sent a text like that. It's usually strictly about Sebastian." She reiterated, "It's just given me some hope."

"I'm happy for you." Nicole hugged her once more, "I know how much you love Adam and he loves you. I know it's just a matter of time before you two are back together."

"Let's not get carried away." Kim didn't want to read to much into the text and she was trying to not get her hopes up but she wouldn't lie it was a positive sign.

"I'm not." Nicole replied, "I know it in my gut...you and Adam will figure it out. You two are meant for each other." She had no doubt they would work it out. Some people were just meant to be together and Kim was meant to be with Adam.

"From your lips.." Kim was hopeful.

"I heard Kim's event went well." Atwater made small talk as they sat in traffic, "I'm proud of her, she's busted her ass these last few months."

Adam smiled, "She has. I'm proud of her too."

"Don't tell me, Ruz. Tell her." Kevin saw an opening and pounced on it, "She loves you man. She's putting in the work, she goes to those meetings and I know she's still seeing a counselor. She's not a danger to Sebastian, there is no way in hell she'd hurt him. She loves that baby."

"I know she does. I've never doubted her love for him. Not once, not really." Adam was a bit on the defensive, "You didn't hear the things she told me, you didn't see the look in her eyes. Her eyes.." he felt the hair at the nape of his neck stand on end, still to this day it sent a chill down his spine "she was lost...then she bolted. I love her, Kevin. I just don't know if that's enough."

"Look..I know she fucked up by running, she was so scared." Kevin had made it a point of checking in with Kim on the weekends Adam had Sebastian. They had lengthy conversations about it, he felt awful for her "She felt it was her only option."

Adam leaned back against the headrest, "It wasn't. She had me, I should've been an option." He pinched the bridge of his nose, "I could've helped her." This was what he was struggling to get over, "She ran instead of trusting me, trusting my love for her. What am I supposed to do with that? She ripped my fucking heart out."

"I get all that, I do. That had to be hard for you. Then to find out she has reached out to Upton, I know that stung. I think it just shows how lost she was." Kevin understood a little of what Adam was feeling, he had felt it too. Obviously it was too a much lesser extent than what Adam was going through, Kevin liked to think of himself as a big brother of sorts to Kim. They had known each for a long time and spent a good chunk of that time on patrol together.

"Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do but you need to stop. I got my Pops and his lady breathing down my neck about this.." He clenched his hands into tight fists as his frustration grew, "...just let it go, man..please."

Kevin knew when to back off, "Alright.." he held his hands up.

"Thank you." Adam muttered. He was so over people sticking their nose in his marriage.

"Just promise me you won't keep Sebastian from her."

Adam glared at him, "Fuck off with that shit man. I'd never keep her away from our son. I wouldn't do that to my kid. Let's not forget she's the one who ran..." he winced as soon as he heard the bitterness in his voice! "Shit..I didn't mean that how it sounded. I know she is dealing with heavy shit...but so am I. Just once I'd like someone to remember that."

"I know it. I know you're hurting too." Kevin had witnessed it first hand, "I hate this for both of you, you guys are my family and it sucks that this is going on." He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, "I just want you guys to be happy, that's it. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have gone there. I was out of line "

Adam's head bobbed up and down, "Nah, it's alright." He had overreacted and he knew it, "I'm glad you've got Kim's back. I just don't know if I can get passed this."

"Always. I've got your back to man. I've called Kim out on a few things. Just don't give up on your marriage. That's all I ask."

"Stephen?" A social work tapped his shoulder, "Can I do anything to help?" She handed him a packet of tissues, "Is there anyone I can call?"

He curled his lip, "No..not really. My children should be here soon, I don't know how to tell them." He managed to hold it together on the phone, he didn't give them any details just that they needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

Their children were the center of Cheryl's life, she adored them. She was unbelievably proud of them and all they had accomplished. Their son Zachary was twenty years old, he was a kind young man who was eager to please. He was their first born and Cheryl was desperate to make up for all the time she had lost with when she was in the thick of her depression. She worked tirelessly to make it right, and Zachary told her time and time again that she needn't worry so much. He couldn't even remember back then, that she was an amazing mother and he adored her.

Melissa was fifteen and a high school sophomore who dreamed of being a pediatric nurse, she was such a bright light. She was constantly smiling and quick with a joke, she was an avid tennis player and volunteered at the local animal shelter.

They truly had it all and in the blink of an eye it was gone.

"I can help you tell them if you'd like." She sat down next to him, "I'm so very sorry for your loss."

"I've lost half my heart." He choked on his words, "How am I supposed to go on without her?"

"Day by Day, minute by minute. There is no right or wrong way to deal with a loss like what you're experiencing. Some days you won't want to get out of bed, others you won't want to get in bed. You just need to let yourself grieve."

"Dad?" Melissa called out, "Where's mommy?" She had been working at the shelter, elbow deep in bathing one of the dogs when her supervisor approached her and told that Zach was there and he needed to see her.

The drive to the hospital had been the longest drive of her life and she was a nervous wreck, she could tell Zach had been upset, his eyes were puffy. H

"Is she okay?" Zachary asked him, "She's not okay, is she" he didn't give his father a chance to respond. "Just tell me!" He whimpered, but he already knew she was gone. As soon as he looked in his father's eyes he knew it, "Mom's dead isn't she?"

"No...no...no.." Melissa wailed, "Daddy..tell him he's wrong! Tell Zach that mommy is okay! Please Daddy!"

"Oh honey, I wish I could." Stephen pulled her into his arms, "Mommy is gone princess. They think she had a heart attack, she died in her sleep."

He felt Melissa's legs buckle, she fell apart in his arms, he felt Zach's strong arms envelope them both in a hug.

It had been an amazing day, Kim had practically floated on air. She had spent the afternoon with Gerri and Sebastian, she loved how he discovered something new every day. They had gone to the aquarium and Sebastian's little face lit up when he saw each exhibit, it was clear he enjoyed watching the sting rays and if he had his way he would've gotten into the water with them.

It was adorable to watch him smack his hands against the water as Kim sat on the edge of the pool's wall with him. He had the cutest little belly laugh and it was hard not get caught up in his joy.

He was equally excited with the touch tank and showed no fear as he'd reach in and grab whatever he could get his chubby little hands on.

Leaving him was always hard, thankfully he had fallen hard and fast asleep and stayed sleeping when Kim transferred him from his stroller to the car seat. The poor little guy was tuckered out, as was Kim.

She was busy scrolling through all the photos from the afternoon when she got the call from Stephen.

It took a minute for what he was saying to click and then the flood gates opened, she told him she'd make the calls to the support group and made sure he knew that she would do whatever he needed.

That had been a week ago and it still didn't feel right. They had thrown together a support group meeting just two days after her death and it had been gut wrenching but it gave them all glimpse of just how many lives Cheryl had touched an it was heartwarming.

Kim even joked that she no longer felt special, she soon realized that Cheryl made everyone feel as if they were the most important person in the world. She had never met a stranger, she befriended everyone and made you feel as if you were her only friend.

Kim was taken aback when Stephen had asked if she'd be willing to deliver the eulogy. Her first instinct was to turn him down, she loathed public speaking on a good day but she wasn't sure she could even form a coherent sentence at a funeral let alone deliver a fitting eulogy.

Stephen was adamant that she do it, he explained how much Kim had meant to Cheryl. He explained how she was in fact special, Cheryl had often spoke about how much she liked Kim. She loved how she had grabbed the bull by the horns and took back her life, she loved how she threw all of herself into trying to help others. Stephen told her that Cheryl knew from the very first time she had met Kim that she was going to do amazing things that she had possessed an inner strength and she would do her damndest to make sure Kim knew it.

Kim finally agreed to do it, it was the least she could do. Though right now she wasn't so sure she was as strong as Cheryl insisted she was.

In true Kim fashion she had researched the hell out of eulogy writing, she had read dozens of them. She was actually a bit surprised to find hundreds of them via a google search. She agonized over what she would say, she wasn't sure she knew how to put into words how much Cheryl meant to her and how important she had been in the lives of so many women.

Until she stumbled upon something that instantly made sense.

North Star

It fit Cheryl to a 'T', Cheryl was her North Star. When every thing around her had been flipped upside down and she was running scared, there was Cheryl. She could center Kim with just a few words, she could calm her racing mind with a gentle touch. She was quick to remind her that while she felt everything she loved and held dear had been lost, it hadn't been lost. She may have lost her way, but she wasn't lost.

Whenever Kim was reeling she reached out to Cheryl, her North Star.

All she had to do was look to her and remember that she was on the right path, she just needed to look for the light.

She ran with that analogy.

In the immediate days after Cheryl's death Kim had fell down the rabbit hole a bit and it terrified her, she started feeling overwhelmed and helpless. She reached out to her therapist and was determined to not let this knock her off course.

She the last few nights watching the stars, the North Star was her focal point. She wasn't going to get lost in her grief, she was going to stay the course and make Cheryl proud.

Adam handed Sebastian the duck, "Here buddy." The toy went right in his mouth and Adam chuckled, "Son..you can't eat it." He'd been pretty miserable the last few days, teething had not been kind to Sebastian. "I guess it makes your mouth feel better huh?" Adam ramble on as Sebastian played in the bathtub, "Your mommy isn't feeling well, her friend died and she's really sad."

Kevin had been the one to tell him that Cheryl had died and it was like a kick in the balls and it had him worried for Kim, he didn't want to see her undo all the progress she had made. He made Kevin promise to look out for her, part of him wanted to be the one to do it but he was terrified of having his heart broken all over again.

"She's has to tell her friend goodbye today and I was thinking maybe we could go see her. I think she'd like to see you..whaddya think?"

Sebastian was oblivious, Adam leaned down on the side of the tub, "You wanna go see mama?"

"Mama!" Sebastian repeat his hands smacking the water, laughing as the water went everywhere.

The church looked beautiful, Kim had played a big role in planning the funeral she had helped Stephen every step of the way. She knew nothing about today would be easy for Stephen or the kids but she was going to try her best.

Focusing on them had kept her own pain at bay, she kept herself busy. She had arrived at the church hours before anyone else and allowed herself one good cry.

"Thanks for coming over." Adam adjusted the tie around his neck, he loathed neckties and only had a few in his closet, he picked Kim's favorite to wear.

Unexpected deaths had a way of making things a bit clearer, things that he thought he couldn't forgive or forget didn't look quite as large.

"Of course. I'm so glad you're going. Kim is heartbroken over this. She was at the house yesterday and she was in tears the second she walked in." She had held her for a long time as she cried.

"I know I just want to support her." Adam told her, "I know this hit her hard."

"That it did. She spoke so highly of Cheryl, I had planned on going to the funeral before you called."

"I figured as much. You sure you don't mind that I asked you to come and watch Sebastian? I think Kim would like it if he was there, I'm just not sure how he'll behave. He's not the quietest kid." He had found his voice and while he only had a few words he enjoyed making happy noises and was known to squeal and screech.

"Of course not."

Adam hung at the back of the church and felt his heart in his throat when Kim stepped up to pulpit. She looked beautiful, even in the midst of unimaginable grief she was gorgeous.

Kim clutched the cards tightly in her hands and took few steadying breaths before speaking, "I didn't think I could do this. When Stephen asked me I told him I couldn't." She smiled sadly at Stephen, "I'm sure you all know it's not easy to tell Stephen no, just as it wasn't easy to tell Cheryl no."

Light laughter filled the church, "I met Cheryl when I was at my worst, my baby boy was just a few months old and I had walked out on him and my husband, I was an emotional wreck and I was lost. I didn't know which end was up. I didn't know what was wrong with me, why I couldn't love my son.."

Gerri reached out to Adam placing her hand on his thigh and leaning into his side, she could see the tears in his eyes and watched as he placed a soft kiss on Sebastian, who slept peacefully in his daddy's arms.

"I turned to the Internet. I had suspected I was dealing with postpartum depression. I looked for a support group and found Cheryl's group. From the moment I walked in that room I felt welcomed. That was Cheryl she just had a way about her..." Kim's lip quivered and it took her a few moments to compose herself.

Adam placed Sebastian in Gerri's arms and moved towards the front of the church.

Kim had her head bowed as she read the cards in front of her, as she lifted her head she saw Adam. Their eyes locked and she felt her knees wobble a bit, shut she pressed on, "The very next day Cheryl met me at a coffee shop not far from where I was staying and we talked. It was as if I had always known her, in that moment she became my North Star. She was my light in the darkness." She turned the cards over and spoke off the cuff, "Within a few days I had returned home, my son was sick and had been admitted to the hospital, he needed a surgical procedure. Things moved fast and I was terrified and then there was Cheryl she had reached out to me and offered support. Thankfully my little boy is okay now and he's thriving he is such a happy little boy. Cheryl helped me to find my way back to him, Cheryl gave me back to my son. If she was here she'd tell me I was giving her too much credit that I did it by myself. Yes, some of that is true...but without Cheryl I'd still be lost. Cheryl, I love you and you'll always b in my heart. You're my North Star,"

Adam discreetly wiped his eyes and was shocked when Kim walked right past him and out the doors of the church.

Adam chased her down, "Kim! Wait up." He was stunned when she took off running, he was shocked by how fast she was running considering she was in heels. It was an impressive feat and under different circumstances he'd point it out.

.

Adam couldn't stay away from the funeral, he wanted to be there for Kim. He wanted to support her, he had no idea she'd be giving the eulogy. He was in awe of her strength as she stood before the church and spoke os lovingly of Cheryl.

She had held it together for most of it, at one point they locked eyes and Kim wavered a bit before regaining her composure.

Once she was finished she stepped down from the pulpit and walked out of the church.

Adam chased her down, "Kim..."

"What Adam?" She glared at him, "What do you want?"

"Are you okay? I know she meant a lot to you." He told her, "I wanted to make sure you were okay." It was a stupid statement she wasn't okay, far from it.

"I'm just dandy." She bit back, "You can go. I don't need your pity. I'm fine."

"You think that's what this is? That I'm here out of pity?" Adam retorted, "That's not what this is, not by a long shot. I'm here because you're hurting..."

"You're here to make sure I don't go off the rails. I'm not stupid Adam." Kim had briefly spun out when she first heard the news, and it scared her. She was on the phone with Denise and within an hour they had all gathered together and had a good cry.

"You think so little of me?" Adam asked.

"It's the truth. I'm sorry if it hurts. You can't stand me, I know it. You can't stand to be near me and I don't blame you." Kim cried, "Just go..please..."

Adam grabbed his cell phone from his back pocket, he flicked through a few photos until he found what he was looking for he held it out to her, "Look..."

She refused to look at him.

"Damn it Kim! Look." Adam closed the gap between them, "Look... I was there. I watched as you gave your speech. I watched as you consoled our baby when he cried, I watched as you hugged women left and right. I listened as you spoke of your fight with depression. So no this isn't Fucking pity, this is me supporting the woman I love the mother of my son!"

Kim looked up at him, "You..." she was struggling to catch her breath, "...were there?"

"Yeah." Adam replied, "I wanted to see it, I wanted to see you." He explained, "I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, I didn't want my presence to upset you, I didn't want to cause you any stress. So I stayed out of sight." He scrolled through the photos, "I recorded your speech. It was really good Kim."

Kim took his phone from him and watched the video, his recording skills left a lot to be desired, it kept bobbing up and down, "Oh..."

"Don't tell me I'm only here out of pity. I'm here because I love you, and you loved her. I needed to be here for you." He locked eyes with her, he hated the look of devastation he saw in them. They were puffy and blood shot, "I needed to be here for myself. I wanted to pay my respects to Cheryl, she helped bring you back to Sebastian."

Kim started sobbing, "Don't cry..." Adam whispered.

"I miss her..." she admitted.

He watched as she started to sway, "Come here..." he opened his arms for her and she threw herself at him, gripping handfuls of his shirt, as she lost it.

They stood wrapped in each other's arms for a long time, Adam was the first to speak, "Let's go get our son and go home."

"Home?"Kim looked up at him for confirmation of what he meant,"I want to come home, I love you so much. I don't to spend another day away from you and Sebastian."

"I love you..." Adam wiped the tears from her face, he hated her tears, "Kim I don't know if I am ready for you to come home..." he winced as she bit her lip to keep from crying, "I don't know what happens next.." and he had truly no idea what would happen. He knew he loved her beyond a shadow of doubt but when she left him, something changed in him. He couldn't quite put his finger on what it was but he was different. "I don't know anything right now, I think we just need to talk. Just us. We need to figure out where to go from here..."

 **Here's the final chapter, and I'm not so sure it's the ending you all wanted. This story has been a massive struggle to finish and I'll admit I was over it by this point. I had originally planned on an epilogue as well but I'm not sure that'll every happen. So...about that last episode..Talk about disappointment.**


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